Women's needs

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mahogany
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Women's needs

Postby mahogany » Fri Mar 19, 2010 10:10 am

This question concerns women who's DH's are no longer able to engage in intercourse because of ED and/or low libido.
Would you be content to let your sex life die with your husband's or would you like to adopt alternative ways of enjoying
sex. If so, what would you like to do? It seems that one area where ladies have a distinct advantage over us men is in
the ability to enjoy sex by various means long after DH has "run out of steam". This is the situation we are now in and
would be interested to know how others feel about the issue of sex in later life.

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Re: Women's needs

Postby mom210 » Fri Mar 19, 2010 3:15 pm

First off, I would want my dh to seek out treatment to help with his ED or low libido..with the right meds men and women can enjoy fulfilling sex lives well into their 80's and beyond.

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Re: Women's needs

Postby Paul B » Sat Mar 20, 2010 8:00 pm

First I agree with mom210. A recent study found that men, as a group, are sexual longer into old age than women are - IOW they have the desire and ability beyond women. A man who is "out of steam" needs to find out why, and get it dealt with.

Beyond that, a lack of an erection need not end sex - for her or him. Both can be brought to orgasm by hand, mouth or vibe.

Paul

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Re: Women's needs

Postby mahogany » Sun Mar 21, 2010 8:15 am

Thank you for your replies.

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Re: Women's needs

Postby motcor » Mon Mar 22, 2010 1:00 pm

Paul B wrote:Beyond that, a lack of an erection need not end sex - for her or him. Both can be brought to orgasm by hand, mouth or vibe.
Paul


I totally agree with this statement...our genitals aren't only item that God made available to us.. In fact, if some men actually were to use another method coupled with a little tenderness and emotion, they might find out that they might hit higher levels of arousal, not to mention the extra satisfaction that their partners would receive.

This is true whether you are a senior or a twenty-something.

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Re: Women's needs

Postby OldMarriedLady » Thu Mar 25, 2010 3:02 pm

Maybe it's just me, but there is just something about seeing his erection that is so affirming of DH's desire for me. Even if I orgasm from oral or manual or whatever, I still want PIV so badly, it's just an animalistic craving I guess. When I orgasm, I wish there was something I was orgasming "around", if that makes any sense. DH is funny that way too, the craving to penetrate is just overwhelming for him every time we ML. With both of us so erection-focused, and DH's erectile problems being so new, we haven't found out yet how to "successfully" ML (in other words, a happy ending for both of us) without one when he fails to get one. I guess if I had to face the rest of my HD sex life without penetration, I might have to resort to a dildo or something, but it would make me feel sad somehow. I would be totally led by what DH wanted for us though, I would not want him to feel sad or uncomfortable with our sex life. If my sex drive went down along with his though, then I wouldn't need anything more than hugs and snuggles. :lol:

Mahogany, if you don't mind my asking, how old are you and your DW?
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Re: Women's needs

Postby motcor » Thu Mar 25, 2010 4:36 pm

My DW is one year shy of 55 and I'm a little over one year past 55. I'm very happy to be at this age, except for the aches and pains that apear from know where.

I think I understand what you are saying about needing that that sensation of your loving partner inside you. I would suggest that you sit down and talk with your husband. I don't know how open the two of you are regarding talking about sex and intimant feeling, but if you are not, you need to find a way to open it up. The anxiety of not understanding your partners needs and inadequacies, often can lead to arousal problems. ED and low drive isn't always physical or medicine related. I have always enjoyed foreplay, but I enjoy sex period. But what I want to say is that especially as we get older, and more mature in our marriage, sex becomes the same old sex. There no or little evolution in our sex play in the bedroom. Maybe take a chance and do something different, just for the sake of learning something new.

Last fall, I had a couple of episodes of not being able to maintain and erection at the point of entry. I tried to keep a good mindset, my DW did not handle the sitaution very well. Are marriage is statistically categorized as sex-less (less than ten times a year) so I have years of negative feelings that are revolving through my mind. Anymore sex is no longer something that I really look forward to, which not good becuase I really like sex. Let me stop rambling, what I found out was that the erection problem was in fact my feelings toward my wife inhibiting my ability to stay aroused. I found out that if I can mentally will myself to not let my mind wonder to that dark area, the erection is no longer a problem. My root problem is not solved, but by not allowing something to de-sensitize my arousal path and the resulting anxiety, I was able to generate and maintain a very good mid 50s erection.

You seem like you are a very open lady, as I know more about what you like in bed after 2 postings, than I do about my wife in 30 plus years. Talk to you husband, and get him to open up to you and talk about things you can do to rise that arrousal level in the bedroom. AS I said, let a good product foreplay session lead you that way.

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Re: Women's needs

Postby OldMarriedLady » Thu Mar 25, 2010 10:41 pm

LOL yeah the anonymity of the internet gives me motormouth - sorry if I give TMI :oops: :lol:. What is really ironic is that I am incredibly embarrassed when discussing our sex life with my DH!! :? Since my awakening and his ED, we've had more discussions about sex in the past 4 months than in our entire marriage it seems, almost all of them started by me. DH doesn't want to talk about what he would like or dislike, and he has been like that for our entire marriage. I would often ask him if there was something special I could do for him, where does he really like to be touched, does he have any secret erogenous zones I should know about, and he would always just say "no, I have one erogenous zone and it's my penis so that's all you need to touch". :roll: :? The thing is, since he has little to no desire for sex, he doesn't have any desire to TALK about it either. He would have to get in a sexy frame of mind to talk about what he would like to do in bed, but right now all he wants to do in bed is sleep. It's hard for him to have an imagination about fun new things to try when sex is the furthest thing from his mind. :(
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Re: Women's needs

Postby motcor » Fri Mar 26, 2010 8:13 am

OldMarriedLady wrote:The thing is, since he has little to no desire for sex, he doesn't have any desire to TALK about it either. He would have to get in a sexy frame of mind to talk about what he would like to do in bed, but right now all he wants to do in bed is sleep. It's hard for him to have an imagination about fun new things to try when sex is the furthest thing from his mind. :(


What if you forget about sex and just fool-around...is that some he would be open to? Also, is there a determined or diagnosed reason fo the ED? As, I said mine is mental, hich is good because I have some control over it. On the other side, the ultimate solution is much harder to resolve.

OldMarriedLady wrote:I would often ask him if there was something special I could do for him, where does he really like to be touched, does he have any secret erogenous zones I should know about, and he would always just say "no, I have one erogenous zone and it's my penis so that's all you need to touch". :(


I enjoy OS, both ways. However, I don't look forward to OS from DW, because first it doen't happen very oftem and the duration is usually under a minute. Therefore, when it occurs, it is a immediate physical shock followed by and immediate mental letdown because I know it will end before my mind really begins to process what is happening. End result is that I can't enjoy what she is trying to do for me. I only state this to illustrate how some nice get taken the wrong way. Other that PIV IC, have you ever asked your DH how he feels (likes or dislikes, etc)about some of the things you do for him. How does it make him feel when you kiss him or kiss along the side of his neck or around his ear? Does he want you to linger longer or maybe pay more attention to his neck? In other words, less inquiry about what action you can do and more about the results and what you can do to make the action more arousing. I know that this is easier said than done, because the OS issue with my DW, has never been resolved because she just doesn't like to talk about what goes on in bed. It seems like you do have a small capacity to investigate with your DH and I would encourage you to open it up a little further. I don't know if I'm a typical man or not, but anything that increases my arousal is something I look forward to. And I think the key my DW's understanding that is in her knowing the whys and hows, than in the what it is that I like. That maybe the same with you husband, and it is possible that neither one of you know it.

I hope this make some kind of sense and I hope that I am not just rambling here.

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Re: Women's needs

Postby OldMarriedLady » Fri Mar 26, 2010 11:42 am

Other than PIV IC, have you ever asked your DH how he feels (likes or dislikes, etc) about some of the things you do for him? How does it make him feel when you kiss him or kiss along the side of his neck or around his ear? Does he want you to linger longer or maybe pay more attention to his neck? In other words, less inquiry about what action you can do and more about the results and what you can do to make the action more arousing.


That's exactly the kind of stuff I've been asking him about, and he doesn't have any answers for me. I asked him if he likes me touching his nipples, and he said it doesn't really do much for him. I ask where he would like to be kissed and he just shrugs. I told him how much I love when he kisses MY neck and asked if it has the same effect when I do it to him, and he said "not really". I have always VERY much enjoyed giving OS to DH, and he seems to like it judging by his verbalizations during it, but I asked if there was anything I could be doing better, any different technique he might enjoy more, and he said "no, it's great". The other night I asked if he would mind putting his testicles in my mouth ("teabagging" as the young people call it) and he looked at me like I was crazy and said "what are you looking at on the internet these days?? Maybe I should be checking YOUR computer history!" :lol: Then he said it would probably be gross because "it's all hairy" and I assured him that it wouldn't bother me a bit. We tried it, I asked him later how it felt and he just shrugged and said "kind of weird actually". I'm starting to think that maybe he's right when he says his only erogenous zone is his penis. Regardless, I continue to touch him everywhere because I enjoy it so much. I caress his back, his face (I love his beard), his legs, arms, feet, cute little butt, anywhere my hands can go while we are ML. I actually touch him the way I would LOVE to be touched, and I have told him outright where/how I would love to be touched, but he doesn't. He just goes straight for the obvious, my breasts and genitals, probably because it's the way HE likes to be touched. We are projecting our preferences onto each other I guess. It doesn't help that he has a very impaired memory (possibly from past drug use as a young man) and doesn't learn things easily.

I know you have trouble understanding how a man with LD thinks, because you obviously have a normal drive and as such, have sexual thoughts quite often and these include ideas of what might feel good or be fun to try. When you think about them, your sexual response system kicks in and you start to vividly imagine how these things would feel. When you have LD, you are sexually "numb", so when you think about sexual things, there is no physical response to those thoughts. When your spouse asks you if you would like the sensation of something, like being kissed on the neck, your body can't summon up a physical reaction to the idea. You imagine how it would feel to have lips pressed against your neck, but it's just an abstract feeling with no sexual overtones. Maybe if I explain it this way: we ladies see a gynecologist and he touches our genitals. We have no sexual interest in the doctor, we don't get aroused when he inserts a finger or speculum into our vagina. Now, if someone were to ask me the question, "would you like having a finger inserted in your vagina?", the response would be completely different depending on whether it was the DOCTOR asking me that or my DH. The doctor would be asking academically (non-sexually), and I would say no, thank you. My DH would be asking in a very sexual context, and I would say definitely, yes, because I would be imagining/picturing this happening in a sexual way with my DH. Since my husband has no drive right now, my questions are coming to him in a non-sexual way like a doctor asking him "would you like me to press my lips against your neck?" :lol: (I'm picturing our GP right now asking DH this and it's just too funny. Our GP has a very deadpan expression most of the time.)

We have no idea right now what is causing DH's ED. We have only recently started to investigate possible causes for it, and my DH assures me that is it NOT psychological and that it is not because I am unattractive to him. The doctor checked his circulatory system and he has no blood flow issues, the doctor does not think that DH's BP meds are causing this (and he has been on these BP meds for years with no erectile problems). The results from DH's blood tests do show a possible problem with his thyroid, and possible low free-testosterone levels, so it's plausible that there could be a physical reason for the ED that we haven't corrected yet. I myself had the female equivalent of erectile dysfunction for years as a result of an anti-depressant medication - I had no physical sexual responses to stimulation. No clitoral engorgement, no lubrication, no arousal of any kind, pretty much dead down there. Mentally, emotionally, I loved sexual interaction with my DH, but I could not summon up an "erection" to save my life. If we do find out that there are no hormonal causes for his ED, then we'll just have to accept that it's mental / psychological and proceed from there. I've been on anti-depressants most of my adult life and I come from a family in which almost every member has some form of mental illness, so we are open to the idea of him possibly being depressed and needing therapy or medication. He doesn't exhibit too many other signs of depression though and doesn't personally feel that he is depressed.

LOL another "book" from me on TMB - I can't give a simple explanation for anything apparently! :mrgreen:
"When you love them, they drive you crazy - because they know they can."
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Re: Women's needs

Postby motcor » Fri Mar 26, 2010 2:46 pm

OldMarriedLady: You have provided quite an education and insight into your situation. I would congratulate you for taking the step to do things that are different in the bed in order to put the relationship into a growth pattern. Even though it growth in the bedroom is uncomfortable and cause for possible embarrassment (such as the teabagging adventure - new term for my by the way) it can only help even if you are the only one that benefits. It sounds like you have ramped up your efforts to improve arousal.

You are right, I don't understand LD individuals. I have been unable to develop an understanding for my DW's LD, if that is the root cause for her refusing nature. But I do understand the analogy with a woman and her OB/GYN, as I work in the healthcare industry and I also encounter similar situations. One is a job, and the olher should be pleasure. Maybe that is the viewpoint of the LD spouse, sex is viewed as a task or job, not an intimant pleasure.

BP medication, depending on the pill, is known cause erection issues. Not all BP medication but some, but the "doc" should know better than I. The problem with his thyroid, and possible low free-testosterone levels is also a possible concern. There are others that have posted concerning the issue, their experiences and treatment successes. That might be an avenue to explore.

I have another item to ask about, and I don't know is you refused your husband at the time or not. But if you did, one question for you to ponder and no need to reply, when you were in a low drive stage (while taking medication), did your DH resent your state? If so, could there be any old resentment? Just a though. Check into the BP meds, the testosterone levels .... I believe that "mom210" has posted a very encouraging story regarding low testosterone levels and how replacement therapy seems to greatly enhance the relationship. I will try to find a link and post it for you.

Thanks for being so open with your thoughts I appreciate your insight.....praying for you and your husband.

edited to include: Never mind, I went back and looked at some of your posts, and appears that you could give me a quite a lesson on testosterone levels in men.

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Re: Women's needs

Postby OldMarriedLady » Fri Mar 26, 2010 7:49 pm

When I was in my low drive / low sensation state, I still really enjoyed sexual encounters with DH. I was enthusiastic and involved, I let him know how much I enjoyed the closeness and physical contact. He was used to my being non-orgasmic even when I could get aroused (I never had an orgasm with him until a few months ago), so it wasn't too much worse for me to be unaroused - we just discovered the benefits of artificial lube at that point. :wink: I assured him that my lack of an orgasm was entirely my fault and my problem, which it was - I've always had issues with negative body image and self-consciousness. I don't think he has any lingering resentment about our past sex life, just regrets that I have been so messed up for so long.
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Re: Women's needs

Postby Phoenix Park » Sat Mar 27, 2010 7:21 am

Hi there, OML :wave

I feel like you and I have some things in common - sounds like we're probably near the same age, and experienced an awakening recently (although I feel that DH and I are having ours together). In the past, I could have described DH as LD, but he and I have recently together decided that his situation would have been more accurately described as withholding sex from me (part of the time) because he was using porn as a substitute. He has repented of this, and now he can in no way be described as LD - we ML every day, and most days we both want it at least twice. In the past, our frequency often dipped down as low as once every month or two.

I also understand what you mean about feeling sad that you don't have an opportunity to O from PiV. DH and I always held a simultaneous O during PiV as our personal "gold standard", and most of the time we managed to achieve it. However, lately, DH has had much more trouble achieving and/or maintaining an erection stiff enough to make this possible. I wouldn't describe his trouble as ED, because he is having erections and ejaculating and enjoying the feeling of it as much as ever, he just can't get hard enough to cause me to O during PiV like I used to be able to do at the drop of a hat.

We're trying some different things to help his erections (he's taking L-Argenine, which I think is helping, and we're getting ready to try using a penis ring), but in the meantime, we're both finding other ways to ensure that we get to O. Lots of times, we'll start off with PiV, but he needs to finish manually, and I need to finish with a vibrator. Last night we were having a wonderful session of LMing, and he O'd inside of me (which always makes him very happy), but I just couldn't quite get there. Afterwards I got out my trusty vibe and went to work on myself with DH lying beside me, which was better than no O at all, but I couldn't help feeling a little sad that we weren't doing it "together", as you described. DH surprised me by lubing up a finger and helping me along with some anal stimulation, which is something we've just recently been experimenting with. All I can say is WOW! I ended up having a crazy strong O, much more intense than usual, and even better than that, my sadness went away and I felt so close to DH, and so appreciative that he wanted to participate in my pleasure.

All of that to say that there are ways and means other than PiV to accomplish both orgasms and closeness, and I wish you and your DH much joy as you learn to navigate this newer landscape of your sexual life together.

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Re: Women's needs

Postby OldMarriedLady » Sat Mar 27, 2010 11:18 am

Hello back atcha, Phoenix Park!

You and I have many things in common, one of which is DH's past porn use. :( There is a post I made (more like a novel LOL) here that tells the whole sad story: http://www.boards.themarriagebed.com/viewtopic.php?f=15&t=44814&start=20 I'm still trying to get answers from him with no luck so far.

It's not even so much that DH and I had trouble O'ing together during PIV; I never O'd AT ALL, up until a few months ago. So this whole new fully functioning "plumbing" of mine is still very much in the experimental stage. Just when my drive has gone way up and I want to explore the various ways to O, his drive has plummeted and he's just not interested in exploring anything sexual. He is also having genuine ED (complete absence of an erection rather than a low quality one) most of the time. The experience you had the other night with your vibe sounds wonderful, but since you two had already ML, he was in a sexual state of mind I would imagine, and so would be happy to help you out. If my DH is in bed purely to go to sleep, I wouldn't want to "bug him" by starting up a solo adventure next to him. Since it's never happened before, I think he would be confused about what his role is or whether he should even jump in. I also have a real mental block about MB'ing in front of DH - I've never done it before (never felt a need to) and it is excruciatingly embarrassing even to just think about it. If I thought he was really eager to "see the show" so to speak, I would bite the bullet and do it, but he's not interested right now, so laying next to him in bed and giving myself an O would feel incredibly sad. Maybe once a week he can summon up the energy to ML, and can sometimes summon an erection, but it has to be quick before he loses it and I really feel as though he's just doing it to "shut me up". He even said something the other day about "fulfilling his marital obligations" when referring to LM. :( Since I want him to feel appreciated when he does manage to ML, right now I wouldn't want to tell him afterward that I didn't get to O and make him "do even more work" or feel like he failed in some way. Once we both get comfortable with the new me and we (hopefully) improve his drive, I will work harder at making sure I get my O too.

Oh and my DH started taking L-Arginine too but pretty much "forgot" after about a week, so it had no noticeable effect. I suggested a penis ring but he visibly winced and said he'd rather not. My plumbing is ready to go but his is still a work in progress...... :?
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Re: Women's needs

Postby Phoenix Park » Sun Mar 28, 2010 12:43 pm

OML, I just read your other post about your DH's history of porn use, and first, let me give you some {{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}. That's a lot of hurt you have dealt with over the years, and I can relate to a lot of your story. I also commend you for sticking with your marriage in the face of these ongoing difficulties. I know that hasn't been easy.

I recognized my own story several times in yours - mostly the parts where I would catch DH using porn, I would cry and yell and he would be distraught with guilt and swear he'd never do it again, and then after some amount of months or years it would happen all over again. Also, there was the bit where you try to take on yourself the blame for your husband's lack of arousal, assuming that it's because you're not young enough, slim enough, (fill-in-the-blank) enough for him or else he wouldn't need to look at porn, and he'd want you more. I have done that so many times, and I never intend to take that on myself again. Even if DH were to fall into sin in this area again, I am done for life with blaming myself for it. I am sexy enough by far for him to have a happy and sexually satisfying marriage, and I know that now. His porn use, his lack of erection, whatever - it's not my fault and it does not mean that he doesn't find me attractive. I'm willing to bet that it's the same with your DH and you.

However, I do wonder if my attitude in the past might have helped quench the fires between us. (Notice I said "helped" - i am absolutely not taking all the responsibility for this on myself.) All the time I was assuming that that I was the one who wasn't good enough to keep him satisfied, the truth was that he felt like he wasn't good enough to impose himself on me. He came into our marriage with guilt over unconfessed sexual sin (basically heavy petting with other girls before he met me, and porn use starting at an early age). This guilt just built on itself and he wouldn't want to initiate sex with me and would use porn in secret instead. Sex happened whenever I initiated it, but if I didn't, we would go long periods of time without it. This, of course, made him feel a need for even more porn, which led to more guilt, which led to less sex between us, and on it went. So why would I give myself part of the blame for this? Because I think that all my unhappiness and insecurity just added to that heavy load of guilt he was carrying around and quenched his sexual confidence all the more. It had nothing to do with him not finding me sexy or beautiful, it was all him not feeling good enough for me! How ironic was that?

When we finally (after 25 years!!!!) cleared the air of all this, and he finally began to show me that he truly does find me beautiful and sexy, I found the courage to start acting sexy, and these two things together started a new, positive cycle between us, which took the place of the old, negative, soul-killing treadmill we'd been on together all those years.

One of the ways I started "acting sexy" was getting up the courage to be vulnerable enough to masturbate in front of him, including letting him watch me have an orgasm all by myself. There's no doubt that this is intimidating, but it is very, very sexy for him, and something about it just opened up doors of communication between us.

It's also interesting, isn't it, that I told you that story about the anal stimuation without knowing your history with your DH regarding anal sex between you, and his anal porn use. At first I felt kind of bad for bringing that up, since it's obviously been a sore point (no pun intended! :lol: ) between you for years. But then again, who knows what the Lord has in store for the two of you in the future. I would never have imagined what one of his fingers back there could do in terms of amping up my orgasm - believe me, it's not like I find that particularly sexy all by itself, but as an ingredient in the mix, holy screaming O, Batman! What a surprise that turned out to be!

I know my situation is not the same as yours, but I sure do know what that silence from your DH feels like and how frustrating it is, and there may be stuff behind it that he hasn't ever let you know about. Your DH's ED may be a medical situation, or maybe it's psychological/guilt induced, or maybe something else altogether, but if you can bring yourself to believe him when he says you're hot (I really do believe he means it!) and you can start to take risks in the MB, who knows what might happen.

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Re: Women's needs

Postby Phoenix Park » Sun Mar 28, 2010 2:02 pm

p.s. - Mahogany, it just sank into me that we're pretty much highjacking your thread, and I'm sorry about that. Let me try to make it up to you by answering your original question.

If you read my answers to OLM, you probably realize that I absolutely would not be content to let EITHER my sex life or my DH's die without a really good fight! I pray that we'll be having a satisfying sexual relationship of some sort as long as we're both still breathing on our own, and I'm willing to do whatever is within my power to see that happen.

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Re: Women's needs

Postby mahogany » Sun Mar 28, 2010 11:49 pm

Thanks for posting Phoenix Park. I've found the replies interesting. We're in our late sixties and both have
health problems that make LM difficult. DW can use only one position without suffering pain and or heart
flutters. I have low level diabetes and respiratory trouble. But, we may have a good few years left to us yet, and
it is not easy to accept that such a wonderful, intimate, comforting activity is winding down. However, it is
inevitable that change will force itself upon us all. There are "alternative" ways of enjoying sexual intimacy other
than the "conventional" but some things are "off limits" to us. DW will have nothing to do with OS (either way), though
I have always fantasised about doing it to her. She regards it as dirty and perverted. She may be right and I make no
judgement of her, but it does mean one of the options is a no go. I would never try to persuade her to go against her
conscience. She will not use a dildo, not because she thinks it wrong, but because "it's not real" and to do so would be
to reinforce the unavoidable acceptance that LM is never going to be the same again. All our married life she has had to
resort to fingering her clitoris during intercourse as the only way to O. This disappointed me at first until I found out that
many women, perhaps a majority, need to do the same. Once I discovered that I was happy to go along with her but I would
ask her to let me do it to her. "No", she would say, "you don't have the right touch and rythmn and you move around too much."
So that remained the way of things for over forty years. Sometimes we would get the timing wrong and she would finish by
masturbating while I watched. She's never had a problem with doing that and I found it nice to watch though not as exciting as
some men evidently do. As for vibrators, that's "admitting defeat" to her way of thinking.

Just recently she has allowed me to bring to orgasm by hand. To me this is the fullfilment of a life long fantasy! I've always
wanted to do that and it's the most fantastic and erotic experience for me. To describe why would probably go beyond the propriety
of this forum and I have no wish to offend!

As for my own needs/desires, her pleasure is mine. I derive great satisfaction from bringing her to the climax. To me it's
almost as good as intercourse. As a current development we have managed to engage in PiV once (just yesterday). It was good
to be able to, though hard work for us both with my erection barely sufficient. Gradually things are changing to a different approach
to this most intimate act. Perhaps DW will allow me to buy her a dildo or vibrator. She thought she would not like manual but has
shyly admitted that its "very nice". It has always been and will always be "she come first". If I get pleasure from it too, that's a bonus!

Sorry if this has been a too long ramble but thanks for allowing it.
as haveng

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Phoenix Park
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Posts: 179
Joined: Sun Jan 31, 2010 9:04 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): February 6th, 1984
Gender: Female

Re: Women's needs

Postby Phoenix Park » Mon Mar 29, 2010 6:48 am

Mahogany, I think it's wonderful that your wife was open to something new after not wanting it for such a long time! I applaud her for her openness, and you for your sweet attitude towards her.

Here's hoping, as you said, that her openness in that area (letting you perform manual on her) will lead to further openness which will lead to new kinds of fulfillment. I just bought my first vibe (which DH and I affectionately refer to as Mr. Red) a couple of months ago, followed a few weeks later by Mr. Orange 8) , who was also a welcome addition to our MB. I understand your wife's feelings that such an action is "admitting defeat", and also feeling that it's inferior to one's own DH, but we have both come to appreciate the qualities that these two "misters" bring, which are completely separate from what my DH provides, and therefore are their own, different thing altogether.

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OldMarriedLady
Under the stars
Posts: 5365
Joined: Fri Feb 19, 2010 6:01 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 7th, 1983
Gender: Female

Re: Women's needs

Postby OldMarriedLady » Tue Mar 30, 2010 7:06 pm

mahogany wrote: Sorry if this has been a too long ramble but thanks for allowing it.

"Allowing" it? Ramble on, brother, this is the place to do it! (I'm sure you've noticed by now that I myself am QUITE the rambler)
mahogany wrote: All our married life she has had to resort to fingering her clitoris during intercourse as the only way to O. This disappointed me at first until I found out that many women, perhaps a majority, need to do the same. Once I discovered that I was happy to go along with her but I would ask her to let me do it to her. "No", she would say, "you don't have the right touch and rythmn and you move around too much."

That could be ME speaking instead of your DW - I have only recently (since January) been actively trying to have an orgasm during activity with DH, and that's the only way I can have one is by manually stimulating my clitoris. DH is keen to learn how to do this too, but just like your DW said, the rythym and touch aren't the same as my own. We are both still learning how my plumbing operates - we're practically sitting in bed with an owner's manual, one of us reading it to the other and one of us trying out the techniques - "no wait, in this diagram it looks like you're supposed to rub the clitoris in a counter-clockwise motion.......hang on, lemme go back to page 63....." :mrgreen:

Isn't this just crazy, how something that should be simple and natural turns out to be SUCH a complicated thing? Oh well, at least it's something fun to practice :wink: :lol:
"When you love them, they drive you crazy - because they know they can."
(From the 1987 movie "Moonstruck", written by John Patrick Shanley)

dwgriff

Re: Women's needs

Postby dwgriff » Sun Apr 11, 2010 8:57 pm

i wish this was an academic question, but alas, this is where we are now!

In our early 70's, ED has come to live at our house, but we are still interested in sex and our drive is still strong.

Wife thinks all "proper" sex is PIV and will not listen to any alternatives.

But being inventive, and not going into details, there are ways even with a limper to make hay and I do it for her. Then we finish me manually.

It is not as it was earlier in our long marriage, but it is still pretty good, and it binds us together.

We are in good physical health and I was sure that function would continue till I was really ancient, but no luck.

Oh well. I do so love her and do so love to make her happy and to O!

dave


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