Touching required?

Aging brings changes - some good, some not so much.
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OldBear
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Re: Touching required?

Postby OldBear » Mon Jul 25, 2016 2:10 pm

We are in our mid-60s and to no surprise, neither of our bodies act and react as they did when we were in our 20s. PTL, most of the time when we LM we both reach an O and do so with full satisfaction with often a bit more effort than when we were younger. Specifically, my erection is not nearly as firm and durable as in my younger days.

Getting an erection and keeping it happens without a touch - hers or mine. Just the other day, Mrs. Oldbear appeared with a beautifully coordinated skirt, blouse, jewelry, and shoe combination that was stunning and when she smiled, Mr. Happy responded. I told her so, and her raised eyebrows and bigger smile made him bigger. :P

Getting an erection and keeping it needs a touch - hers or mine. If we engage in lengthy foreplay and my concentration is so focused on Mrs. Oldbear so she comes first, I'll go flaccid. When it's my turn, touching is required. Sometimes I'll self-stimulate as she urges me on verbally and visually or she will take 'things' into her hands, and she's very good at finding the perfect erogenous point (the perineum area is particularly sensitive). Generally, Mr. Happy responds but not always, so . . .

Sometimes nothing - a fantastic visual, that special look, an experienced touch - works. A week ago, Mrs. Oldbear invited me to masturbate, took me into the bedroom, and took control and used her perfected touch on me :D After five minutes . . . nothing! My challenge was to respond and I suddenly had a performance problem. She was so generous and eager that I clutched! Finally, I admitted that it wasn't going to happen.

We've learned to laugh about mis-fires and no-fires. It happens with age. We are always ready and willing to please each other, but admit that we aren't always able to do so. It has nothing to do with our attractiveness or sexiness.

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Legolas
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Re: Touching required?

Postby Legolas » Wed Jan 04, 2017 2:56 pm

It has nothing to do with our attractiveness or sexiness.
from Mr. Old Bear.

This is something that I have been thinking a lot about lately, as I have been watching my wife's naked body. We are in our mid-50's and neither of us have the bodies that we used to have, and as Mr. OB stated, we have had to make adjustments in how we get things done. I remember when we were dating and I would be spending time at her parents house, I couldn't lay flat on the floor because just being around her and those wonderful breasts of hers would give me an erection, and I had to pull one knee up to make room, if you know what I mean.
Lately, I have been watching her and noticing how everything, on both of us, is sagging all over the place, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. Sometimes I wish and wonder what it would have been like if we had been as carefree and knowledgeable then as we are now, what things might have been like, but there is no use crying over spilled mild. And yes, most of the time now, our interactions require her man-handling my man-parts in order to make sure that I am ready to go after she has gotten hers. My only real regret at this stage is that her knees are in no shape to do cowgirl any more, and I really miss seeing that action, and feeling her weight pressing down on me...good times...but the best of times are now.
"A limit on what you will do puts a limit on what you can do". John Maxwell

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Re: Touching required?

Postby be64 » Tue Feb 28, 2017 3:49 pm

I recently got quite hard at the gym while thinking about my wife and my evening plans. It's feels great when that happens.
The secret to having everything is believing you already do!

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Re: Touching required?

Postby bigloop » Sat Mar 11, 2017 4:51 pm

Working out boosts testosterone. I've had similar reaction after a vigorous bike ride.

Problem is she's never around when it happens, or if she is the timing is bad or she just ain't in the mood.

[OG edit for grammatical understanding]

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Re: Touching required?

Postby be64 » Sat Mar 11, 2017 9:38 pm

I boost my testosterone with testosterone injections. Doctor prescribed of course.
The secret to having everything is believing you already do!

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Re: Touching required?

Postby Job29Man » Sun Mar 12, 2017 4:19 am

In my 20s to 40s, usually no touching was "required."

In my 50s, touching is definitely required, sometimes little, sometimes much, sometimes even partway into PIV we need to do a "restart" with additional touching, but we get it figured out. It's always her touching, not me. I prefer it that way.

I find that my "abilities" are much more prone to reduction now (as I age) by things like not enough rest, too much stress, eating wrong foods, staying up late, or having even a small amount of alcohol. So I find myself being VERY focused on good health habits. I have to be quite disciplined and maintain a high degree of fitness to really stay on top of my game. It literally feels like I'm an athlete, always in training for a race.

Makes me wonder how guys who "let themselves go" (at my age) fare in this department, or how much I would slip if I just got fat and out of shape?
Wanting to become like Job, as described in the Bible, the book of Job chapter 29. Hence the screen name.

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Touching required?

Postby bigloop » Sun Mar 12, 2017 11:42 am

Job29Man wrote:Makes me wonder how guys who "let themselves go" (at my age) fare in this department, or how much I would slip if I just got fat and out of shape?


I know and have spoken with some guys who fit your description. Many of them have take the attitude of "meh, it's not worth it, what's the point in trying?" Those guys don't come on here. Some of their wives may be here, but many of the wives I know married to these men had part and parcel in the overall attitude. It's a downward spiral.

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Re: Touching required?

Postby Unfulfilled » Sun Mar 12, 2017 3:31 pm

I wonder how many of the guys who let their bodies and health go do so becsuse they are refused? So they simply say what's the point?

How many men get so depressed that they get almost suicidal? How many depressed people over eat as a response? How many people turn to any other type of bad behaviors like drinking? So is simply "letting yourself go" just another side effect of being depressed?

Not saying that is the case every time. Just in at least some percentage of the cases is it just easier to be lazy and gain weight and ear whatever is convenient etc versus working out and being disciplined in what you eat. When in the end your spouse doesnt seem to care or even notice? And if you are being refused and not getting sex, why would having poor sexual performance matter? Or at least that is what they could think.

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Re: Touching required?

Postby seeking perspective » Sun Mar 12, 2017 3:52 pm

Unfulfilled wrote:I wonder how many of the guys who let their bodies and health go do so becsuse they are refused?


I'm pretty sure this was a major factor in my husband's weight gain. Refusal affected his feelings of self worth, his motivation, his energy level, and all sorts of other things.

Job29Man wrote:Makes me wonder how guys who "let themselves go" (at my age) fare in this department, or how much I would slip if I just got fat and out of shape?


We had a few years that were pretty touch-and-go (ha) in this regard. One of the issues related to his weight was high blood pressure. Since he had his surgery last year to address a major factor in his high blood pressure, he hasn't required as much touching. It is necessary often but not always--and even when touching is needed, it doesn't take as much as it did when his blood pressure was out of control.
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Re: Touching required?

Postby TJC » Tue Mar 14, 2017 5:50 am

In my 60s touching is not required, just genuine interest in being intimate. No amount of touching w/o genuine desire for intimacy will do any good anymore. I can relate to the concept of letting yourself go temptation. I've always enjoyed exercise and working to stay fit, but as I get older it gets harder to be motivated to take care of myself when it doesn't seem to matter to DW.
This is my beloved and this is my friend. Song of Solomon 5:16

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Re: Touching required?

Postby bigloop » Tue Mar 14, 2017 11:20 am

TJC wrote:....just genuine interest in being intimate. No amount of touching w/o genuine desire for intimacy will do any good anymore.


totally relate. The expression of desire or interest is key. For me, touching is in fact an unmistakable indicator that DW is at least willing to be involved. That may not represent genuine desire, but it is a clear signal. Without a clear signal, I am in the habit of operating under the general assumption that she'd rather be doing something else. That may not be a good assumption and that is a bad habit - but it is what it has been. When a man feels like he is going to be rebuffed or ignored or some other level of non-desire, it pretty much takes the lead outta the pencil.

So I guess what we are saying is the need for touching sometimes is a physical issue and sometimes a emotional/mental issue. For me it is 80% emotional/mental. Some of this I am working on changing - at least as much as is up to me.

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Touching required?

Postby Hiswifeagain » Tue Mar 14, 2017 11:59 am

bigloop wrote:
TJC wrote:....just genuine interest in being intimate. No amount of touching w/o genuine desire for intimacy will do any good anymore.


totally relate. The expression of desire or interest is key.


This seems like it might be a negative feed back loop. Your need for her expressed desire makes you the victim because you can't enjoy sex without it. That in turn seems a bit needy. Neediness doesn't seem manly. Lack of manliness is not a turn on. Lack of turn on makes you feel undesired. Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

Maybe if you could just enjoy sex for yourself, you'd come across as more solid and inspire desire instead of requiring desire. See Sexy Marriage Radio almost any episode, ;)
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3

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Re: Touching required?

Postby bigloop » Tue Mar 14, 2017 6:26 pm

^^^ Ever tried to push a rope?

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Re: Touching required?

Postby Hiswifeagain » Tue Mar 14, 2017 8:36 pm

Yes, trying to make your wife feel what you want her to feel to make you feel better is very much like trying to push a rope. There's some good news though. You can have control of your own rope. You aren't really a victim unless you try to make your DW responsible for your feelings. Your self worth doesn't have to be measured by her desire. If you are worth wanting and she doesn't want you, that's her loss. But maybe she doesn't want you sexually, because she's not wired the same as you. Maybe level the playing field by loading her up with some testosterone and see what happens. It's a lot easier to have a desire for sex when you're high drive all the time from testosterone.
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3

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Re: Touching required?

Postby workerbee » Tue Mar 14, 2017 10:50 pm

I hope I contribute positively to my DH self worth after 21 years of marriage.
I know his affection or lack thereof effects my self worth.
I would think it should as we chose each other to spend the rest of our lives together!

How can so much be expected of a spouse but when the word "desire" or "passion" are discussed so many here balk and make excuses?

It is my opinion every one of us fiercely desired our spouse when we 1st married.
What happened afterward becomes the problem.

And if you married your spouse without desire or passion WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU...THAT IS FRAUD.

I can (and have always been able) to get my DH aroused by touch.

I am the HD in our relationship.
Many times no touch from me is required.

But the BEST most erotic times for me have been when HE initiated and
*I* required touch.
(My DH is almost 60)

Do I occasionally need to touch him?
I used to need to. And sometimes it only helped for the 1st half of our lovemaking.

I'm a medical professional and did a great job evaluating the situation logically without taking it personally, [ED] and he switched bp meds and we added Vit.V into the equation as necessary.
His testosterone was checked and is within normal limits.

He just happens to be the LD.
With a much younger HD wife.
(He has no-one to complain to LoL! What man would vebalize that complaint out loud? LoL)

It's kinda interesting because there are many times (now and over the span of our 21 years together) when I am/have been as LD (or even lower drive) than he is.

I thank God Almighty for my *Awakening *.
Not sure that's exactly what it was but it changed our lives.

My *awakening* -

Somehow something happened and my body WOULD NOT BE DENIED and WOULD NOT BE DEPRIVED.
Sex was REQUIRED & I Had to be satisfied. At that moment or at least that day. I was CRAZY. It was insane and very unlike me. And it was AMAZING!!!

I had my Dr check out and test every hormone level the day of the beginning of my cycle. I expected high this/low that.
Notta.
Which is VERY unfortunate.
VERY VERY UNFORTUNATE.
Because my intent was to attempt to duplicate that sensation on demand!

That crazy sex starved woman because of a PHYSICAL CARNAL need lasted for only a few months.
But it was a gift!

WE GREW as a couple by leaps and bounds.
Suddenly we were engaging without Vit V.
And we talked about sex when we really hadn't before.
And we added toys.
And I am no longer inhibited by my brain because of shame or embarrassment.
The gift was intimacy withmy DH on a level I had never experienced before.
It was a window into the possibilities that lay before us.

I want JOY & PASSION . And as the HD spouse it hurts to not feel that returned & reciprocated.

No one and I mean NO ONE should have to just ENDURE a passionless marriage.

Now my mojo PHYSICALLY is gone.
But I remember.....OH DO I REMEMBER that the gift...the TRUE GIFT God gave to me was finding a way to become even more intimate with my DH than I knew was possible.
So EMOTIONALLY it's still there.
So there is no real reason a LD spouse cannot desire to desire!
I do.
It's in the mind and the heart.
You have to want it and cultivate it.

Final thoughts about Touching Required...

The LD spouse will need touching. Even when they think they don't and you think they don't.

Desire may not come first....it may require arousal before desire shows up.
So touch each other!
Get them engines rouring!

Make it a habit and be consistent.

Bond.
Laugh.
Love.
Pray.

Cry when you must and keep moving forward.
Good habits reap their own rewards.

I wanted my DH to pursue me, desire me, be passionate about me as I am with him.
I told him I was grateful for what we have and that he always tried attending to my needs.

But I wanted the joy of passion and all that Song of Solomon stuff.

Now I'm at a LD place and my DH is filling in the gap.
I FELT his desire for me.....not a timid question or biological response to my touch but His Desire Towards Me and he awoke MY desire. I felt my LD DH entice me because He wanted.Me

It's a positive feedback loop.
Testosterone Desire Arousal Oxytocin Dopamine Crack Meth.....
Whatever those chemicals are I'm not sure....
but I am telling you tbe truth.......

honesty with your spouse in a loving non-accusastory way (if there's good will on their part) along with a regular romp in the hay will eventually lead into passion from both parties.

And even if it doesn't work, I FIRMLY believe that it is STILL worthy to strive for.

Isn't that what The Marriage Bed is all about?
Passion & Desire?

Yes.
Touching is required.

Heart
Mind
Body
Soul
Spirit.

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Re: Touching required?

Postby TJC » Wed Mar 15, 2017 12:26 am

^^^^^^^^ ::clap ::clap ::clap ::clap ::clap ::clap
This is my beloved and this is my friend. Song of Solomon 5:16

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Re: Touching required?

Postby bigloop » Wed Mar 15, 2017 6:02 am

Hiswifeagain wrote:Yes, trying to make your wife feel what you want her to feel to make you feel better is very much like trying to push a rope. There's some good news though. You can have control of your own rope. You aren't really a victim unless you try to make your DW responsible for your feelings. Your self worth doesn't have to be measured by her desire. If you are worth wanting and she doesn't want you, that's her loss. But maybe she doesn't want you sexually, because she's not wired the same as you. Maybe level the playing field by loading her up with some testosterone and see what happens. It's a lot easier to have a desire for sex when you're high drive all the time from testosterone.


You missed my point - she's not the rope I speak of. If I must be graphically clear with my analogy, I will.

And how would I "load her up with testosterone" exactly? I assume you mean by being assertive, confident, aggressive - if so, see the rope comment.

Even if the spirit is willing, the body may not be. I'm not always sure, as I figure many men aren't, if that is mental or physical or both. Either way, at that point a choice has to be made. Do you ask for touch, do you express your desire hoping for a positive response, do you send out Jedi mind waves or just forget it. I've spoken with my DW about this and she makes efforts. I'm not really complaining about her here. But if she wanted sex as well- actively pursued sex, then I perceive things would be different in many ways. I say that because the few times she does exhibit actual desire ropes become steel rods. Then the real problem becomes short-fuse firecrackers....

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Re: Touching required?

Postby bigloop » Wed Mar 15, 2017 6:08 am

Beautiful words workerbee. You accurately exposed the truth in a way many avoid.

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Re: Touching required?

Postby Hiswifeagain » Wed Mar 15, 2017 6:38 am

bigloop wrote:Beautiful words workerbee. You accurately exposed the truth in a way many avoid.


She exposed HER truth. What's true of her and her feelings, her values, her wants, her needs. She may be fortunate because her spouse has similar feelings, values, wants and desires. These are not universal and when we evaluate our spouse based on our thoughts of how they should be we become their judge. A high desire who won't be satisfied with anything less than they feel is the appropriate amount of enthusiasm has become the judge. They are saying I know how it SHOULD be. This is just as selfish as the refuser who withholds sex and decides how sex SHOULD (or shouldn't) happen.

There can be no intimacy without authenticity. The low desire spouse may be bringing their authentic self to the marriage bed, and if that's unacceptable, then it's likely they will, at best, go through the motions.

Quit shoulding all over your spouse!!
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3

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Re: Touching required?

Postby bigloop » Wed Mar 15, 2017 7:00 am

Did you read her post? Did you read mine? It seems you did not comprehend them if you did. It seems you read them in light of your own experiences and reached the conclusion you wanted to reach so you could tell me how you are correct. I suggest before you try to tell me what to do, you should ask some better questions first. When's the last time you were in my home or bedroom?

I believe this thread is about the need for touching for a man to achieve erection, or am I wrong there as well? I believe workerbee explained how she has been uniquely on both sides of that equation and sees things with more clarity from both sides now. That is unusual and it is unusual for HD person to have a humbling experience that changes their heart in such a way. I believe she explained how she has learned how to change in light of both sides of the situation, as has her husband. I believe she explained how she learned to "bring more to the party", both figuratively and literally, as did her husband. I believe she explained how the thought of "this is all I have to bring" is a fallacy that can be changed. I believe her husband found this truth as well. Seems they both grew. That IS beautiful.


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