Touching required?

Aging brings changes - some good, some not so much.
Romantic Husband
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Re: Touching required?

Postby Romantic Husband » Tue Apr 26, 2016 9:35 am

The replies here just serve to demonstrate how different we all are. I'm early 60's, and I can still get hard in the drop of a hat. On the other hand, it take me much longer to finish than when I was younger, which can sometimes be a source of frustration.
Matthew 19:26 - With God all things are possible.
Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

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bigloop
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Re: Touching required?

Postby bigloop » Tue Apr 26, 2016 5:24 pm

Romantic Husband wrote: On the other hand, it take me much longer to finish than when I was younger,


well, I guess there is some hope for some positive changes.... :wink:

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Re: Touching required?

Postby Oklahoma » Tue Apr 26, 2016 6:36 pm

^^^ YES!
A great change from, "this won't take long....did it?"

:wink:

(Mid 60's, and so far the things that don't work like they used to, are outweighed by the things that are better!)

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Re: Touching required?

Postby Nvr2Late » Wed Apr 27, 2016 9:55 am

I'm finding this thread very encouraging. From a woman's POV, we've spent a lifetime seeing men respond with an erection to the slightest provocation. Then suddenly in our 40-50's or so, this goes away. Now, it's work.

It's been very difficult for me as a woman (with self-esteem & body image issues) to accept and believe that his ED has nothing to do with me. Perhaps I'd be more sanguine about it if I did not always jump to the conclusion that I'm ugly, fat, or whatever. It's been a difficult adjustment for me to make mentally: needing to constantly touch him and stroke him to keep him any degree of hard is not a poor reflection on me as a sexy woman or his level of attraction to me.
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Re: Touching required?

Postby Oklahoma » Wed Apr 27, 2016 10:24 am

Don't fret. It's not you.

My old pickup has over 300,000 miles on it. We are a good pair. It doesn't run like it used to either!

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Re: Touching required?

Postby Mr Adam » Thu May 19, 2016 9:18 pm

Sexy is not based on weight or appearance. It's about attitude, confidence, etc. Not that a handsome man or pretty woman is not sexy. But you can be knock out gorgeous and not sexy. A woman who is sexually confident is incredibly sexy. Men & woman who can turn on that switch and step out of the self confidence issues.....sexy. Just saying'. Don't know if that info is of any help, but that's far more sexy to a guy or a girl than what the media tries to sell in the self image dept.

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Re: RE: Re: Touching required?

Postby Redsman » Fri May 20, 2016 5:36 am

^^^ Boom.
There are women in my church who are physically attractive, but because of the way they carry themselves, i have no issues with lust for them. There are others that by the world standards, would not be as attractive, but carry themselves in a "sexy" way (they are married) and i find myself being "on guard" as a result.

Ive told my wife similar things to what is above. She "believes" and "understands" that i think she is physically attractive and sexy, but she is still working on feeling this way all the time. Getting "prettied up", for anything, goes a long way.

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Re: Touching required?

Postby facetoface » Sat May 21, 2016 2:56 pm

Nvr2Late - EXACTLY!!!

This is the situation I find myself in and I'm quite unsure how to deal with it. Of course I have prayed (for years), but I'm not seeing light at the end of this tunnel just yet. Somedays I just want to become asexual and just quit, but I don't think it's one of my options, so I plod along. Still unsure how to deal with this.

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Re: Touching required?

Postby bigloop » Sun May 22, 2016 6:12 am

I had a situation yesterday that may add something to this conversation. It doesn't involve ED, but DE and the effect it had on my wife. We are growing and working on improving - and there is growing pains.

We've been a little erratic with our sex lives of late for various reasons not worth going into here. Yesterday I was way out in the pasture working on a small shed. She came out there after she got home from other duties. I was close to a stopping point with what I was doing. We had some pleasant conversation when one of those what I call "Cialis" moments came along (though I need no Cialis.) We decided that she was going to help me get a little more done to the shed but I needed to go back to the barn to get a couple pieces of lumber. She had on a little short sports bra looking top and shorty shorts :shock: and laid down on the platform I had just finished and said "I'll just lay here and get a little sun while your gone." I took off my tool belt and got down there kissing her and said "or we could just have a little outdoor loving..." Got turned down flat. "NO!" At first I did not allow that to turn me off but turned up my actions instead. She just dug her heels in further and started giving out the excuses, etc. She finally accomplished her goal and I just got up and left. I came back with the lumber and we finished the little bit of work. Let's just say I was not in as jovial a mood as I was before. I was not being rude, but it was hard to be all chipper and smiles. Then she threw me a curve. We got all the tools put up and were about to go back to the house when she walked over to the other side of the truck and offered herself to me. Of course it was having to be somewhat on her terms even then, but she did make a sweet offer. Now I had a decision and it was tougher than I wanted it to be. I was NOT in the mood any longer, far from it. I was busy fighting off being rejected and angry. But I saw clearly what she was doing and why, and I needed to help her as I saw it as the loving thing to do for her. So we proceeded - and I could not finish. In may ways this should have been a very sexy, hot, passionate thing. But for me, my mind was not in the right place and for the wrong reasons. The harder I fought it, the harder (or softer if you know what I mean) it got. I finally had to give it up. I kissed her and told her how much I appreciated her efforts and how sexy she was....but I know it fell flat because every physical sign was telling a completely opposite story to her. But the fact is I did appreciate her effort - but there was just something there that was killing it for me and to be completely honest with her about that at that time did not seem like the most edifying thing.

We went to the house and re-connected, and finished the course, at her behest- even then it was somewhat of a struggle for me. Later that night as we were about to go to sleep, she said something that alerted me to the fact that she was concerned about the happenings earlier. So I took the opportunity to try to explain that she was in fact "good enough" for me and the DE situation was all about my mindset and my emotional struggles at the time. I don't know if she believes me or not. She is, as some have described here, very self-conscious of her aging body and situations like this make her more so.

The truth of the matter is if she had responded positively to me when I had made the initial move, none of the issues would have happened. I don't think she is ready for me to say that directly yet. It was her attitude that turned me off, not her body. But later that night she exhibited concern that she (her body) hadn't been good enough for me. Nothing could be further from the truth.

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Re: Touching required?

Postby alaska bob » Sun May 22, 2016 10:40 am

not yet 50, but I do generally require some stimulation. Maybe not direct - passionate kissing might do the trick, fondling her breasts, touching her below the belt, or her touching me below the belt. There have been times when I required more direct stimulation - I think this is mostly mental. Really not wanting to have difficulty producing an erection seems to be the most common cause of having difficulty producing an erection.

Much different than when I was in my 20s, and her saying "want to do it" was enough to produce a steel girder.

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Re: Touching required?

Postby be64 » Sun May 22, 2016 1:39 pm

I'm 51 and quite frequently no direct penis stimulation is needed. Usually the general acts of foreplay are sufficient. There are times however when my wife has to take "things" into her own hands.
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Re: Touching required?

Postby Legolas » Thu Jun 02, 2016 12:24 pm

As BigLoop stated,
The truth of the matter is if she had responded positively to me when I had made the initial move, none of the issues would have happened...It was her attitude that turned me off, not her body. But later that night she exhibited concern that she (her body) hadn't been good enough for me. Nothing could be further from the truth.
...but this is kind of the reverse...

We had much the same thing happen to us a few years ago. It had been quite a few days since we had had sex, and I was starting to get my usual grump self, without really saying anything about was bothering me. If I remember correctly, we had company in the house over the weekend, and so knowing my wife, there wasn't going to be any action until after they were gone as well, and then, once again, she would be tooooo tired. For reasons I can't remember any more, I snapped at one of our girls for something that was completely illogical and unnecessary, and then left and went out to my shop in the back yard. After about 20 minutes, my wife comes out to the shop and asked me what was wrong, and I didn't say anything, just made like I was ignoring her. She left in a huff. However, about 10 minutes after that, she comes back out to the shop, and slams the door shut behind her, standing there with her hands on her hips, and says, "I know what is the matter...", I still didn't say anything. Quick aside, the only windows in the shop are in the man door which she was standing right in front of. Back to the story...while she is still standing there, she reaches up under her shirt and removes her bra from under her shirt, while I am watching her...then she walks over to workbench, faces it, and bends over, dropping her shorts and panties all the way to her ankles...and says, "GET BUSY!" Well, after a display and tantrum like that, it didn't take me long to get my part of the job done. It is still something that I enjoy remembering as you can probably tell.

While it was not as satisfying as being face to face and bringing her to orgasm, it sure fixed the mood for the time being. We are mid-50's now, and this is something that I have started trying to do a lot more of, and a lot more often...telling her how much sexier and appealing she is to me now, than when we were even first married. And we were married young...20 & 21 respectively...and yes we had the benefit of young smooth bodies, but now we have all of the history, memories, and rewards for sticking it out for 35 years (this month). Don't give up. It will be worth it.
"A limit on what you will do puts a limit on what you can do". John Maxwell

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Re: Touching required?

Postby SeekingChange » Sat Jul 23, 2016 2:30 pm

We aren't "seniors", but because my husband has low T, I am relating to this thread, especially Nvr2late's comments, so I have watched it with interest.

This should probably have been obvious to me, but I just realized that I have pulled back and quit initiating because I want to avoid the negative feelings and thoughts I get when I notice my husband's "lack" of reaction. I wish I was stronger and it didn't have a negative effect on me, but it does.

Any words of wisdom that might give me an epiphany?
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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Re: Touching required?

Postby happilymarriedkate » Sat Jul 23, 2016 3:22 pm

I had no idea how turned on by an erection I was until my husband did not easily achieve one anymore. This is a struggle for me. Testosterone treatment has helped but he still requires more stimulation than he ever has. Once I finally figured out that his T was low (based on his drive and other behaviors or lack thereof) and once the lab results confirmed such, I did/do not feel that it is me.

How erect he is/how flaccid he is now directly affects my desire and performance. I don't really like that. I am attempting to work on my acceptance of his penis in either state. I use to appreciate it greatly both ways until being flaccid was more the norm.
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Re: Touching required?

Postby OldMarriedLady » Sat Jul 23, 2016 3:44 pm

happilymarriedkate wrote:I had no idea how turned on by an erection I was until my husband did not easily achieve one anymore. This is a struggle for me.

How erect he is/how flaccid he is now directly affects my desire and performance. I don't really like that. I am attempting to work on my acceptance of his penis in either state.

This is exactly how I feel, and I know it's wrong, and I hate feeling this way. I certainly have never said anything to DH about it because that would be totally counterproductive.
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Re: Touching required?

Postby bigloop » Sun Jul 24, 2016 11:31 am

These last few female comments are fascinating to me. The irony of these statements is astounding. I hope all that read them spend a little time in reflection and introspection to see the deeper meaning that is being represented. I'm not going to explain at this point - just think about it....

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Re: Touching required?

Postby IM_a_Farmwife » Sun Jul 24, 2016 4:27 pm

My farmer was 57 years old when he had his first flaccid episode. We had been married over 26 years and going soft was not on either of our radars. However, I was mentally and physically prepared to make it a benefit for both of us for when it would happen. I feel like such a Girl Scout, prepared for just about anything. When he did go soft, I told him that my fantasy was to have his soft penis grow in my mouth. I told him I had this fantasy for years and here is the moment that he can make this fantasy happen for me. It was so beautiful! There was no shame in anything he or I did that night. It was pure magic. How's that, Big Loop, for a positive comment from a female?

Oh, by the way, I have him taking L-Arginine daily. This has kept him rock hard when he needs to be. I also made sure our doc put him on BP meds with no ED side effects. Sometimes Farmer needs no physical stimulation at all. I'm his eye candy.

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Re: Touching required?

Postby ledgemoor » Sun Jul 24, 2016 5:51 pm

Nvr2Late wrote:I'm finding this thread very encouraging. From a woman's POV, we've spent a lifetime seeing men respond with an erection to the slightest provocation. Then suddenly in our 40-50's or so, this goes away. Now, it's work.

It's been very difficult for me as a woman (with self-esteem & body image issues) to accept and believe that his ED has nothing to do with me. Perhaps I'd be more sanguine about it if I did not always jump to the conclusion that I'm ugly, fat, or whatever. It's been a difficult adjustment for me to make mentally: needing to constantly touch him and stroke him to keep him any degree of hard is not a poor reflection on me as a sexy woman or his level of attraction to me.


SeekingChange wrote:This should probably have been obvious to me, but I just realized that I have pulled back and quit initiating because I want to avoid the negative feelings and thoughts I get when I notice my husband's "lack" of reaction. I wish I was stronger and it didn't have a negative effect on me, but it does.


Here are my thoughts -- I don't know if they will help ya'll feel better about yourselves or not, but here goes: David Schnarch in The Passionate Marriage talks about the importance of not being dependent on your spouse for your sense of self-worth. I think this is especially true with body image.

Husbands are not good judges of their wives bodies. If his testosterone is high, and you put out regularly, don't nag him, praise him once in a while, go hunting with him once in a while, and cook his favorite meal occasionally (while nude preferably), he will think you are the most beautiful and sexiest woman alive, regardless of what you look like.

I'm sure you've seen the posts from guys in the refusal forum who Aren't Getting Any. He goes on and on about how beautiful she is, how attracted he is to her, and how he longs to be with her. As the discussion progresses, it is determined that she isn't viewing porn and wasn't molested as a child. When we get around to health questions, we find she has a "small" weight problem and weighs 300 lbs.

On the other hand, if his testosterone is really low, his interest in your body, no matter how hot you are, will be somewhere in range of a typical 10-year-old, minus the curiosity.

Although I think people place way too much emphasis on outward appearance, especially the outward appearance of women, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be attractive. In fact, healthy = attractive, so in that sense, being "attractive" is a moral obligation.

-----

Oops, I discovered I Submitted when I meant to Save Draft. So to continue:

So make a realistic assessment of yourself.

If you are overweight or could use a little muscle toning, get on an exercise program and eat sensibly. Don't starve yourself, but eating more from the produce department and less from other departments and especially McDonalds won't hurt a thing. Find some physical activity you enjoy and do it religiously. This is you we are talking about, and you are important. You need and deserve this. Don't let anything put your recreation on the back burner. Don't make becoming a supermodel your goal. Your only goal is to have fun, and to make some improvement. You may not ever get down to your "ideal" weight. You may not lose any weight at all (although that is unlikely). But you will get more fit, feel more energetic, and most importantly, the endorphins will will make you feel better about yourself and life in general. And as far as attractiveness to your husband and men in general goes, effort matter more than the results.

Don't obsess about your worst attributes and ignore your best assets. Talk to a male friend who isn't your husband or a male relative about this. Don't put him on the spot by asking "on a scale of 1 to 10, how hot am I?". But you can ask "what do you think my three best physical assets are?" without putting him on the spot too much. You can ask women the same thing, but they may well let jealousy affect their assessment.

Use God's standard of beauty. The supermodel body type is great, but that is a societal thing, not a God thing. Short women with small boobs are just as beautiful (I know. I'm married to one :lol:). If you are tall or short, voluptuous or skinny, it's all good. Whatever your boobs look like, they are good. You are unique. God made only one of you. Don't try to look like someone else. Stretch marks are sexy, btw.

To close, and I can't emphasize this enough, the more you like your body, the more your husband will like it. Back in the day, DW had a perfect body. Now in her 50's, she's got a little mileage on her. But she sees herself as beautiful and sexy like never before. I am much more turned on by her now than I was 30 years ago.
Last edited by ledgemoor on Mon Jul 25, 2016 3:53 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Touching required?

Postby SeekingChange » Sun Jul 24, 2016 6:13 pm

Ledgemoor, I understand what you are saying and it's a good thing to know and remember, but I think it's much deeper than "self image", at least for me..... maybe it's more about "not being enough" and not being desired (because it is so ingrained that 'erection=desire'.)
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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Re: Touching required?

Postby Unfulfilled » Sun Jul 24, 2016 8:25 pm

What I see I'm the responses is that there is a very similar response to being turned down sexually. That in a nutshell makes the person feel undesired and unloved. Rejection. The only difference is that it seems like the women tend to be a bit of somewhat surprised by having those feelings.

But in the end you're left with feeling unattractive, unwanted, not good enough. All inward feelings caused by an outward rejection of the spouse. But very real none the less.


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