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Shared values

Other non-sexual marriage issues.
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WirelessRouter
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Shared values

Post by WirelessRouter »

Inspired by Newwifenewlife's comment in a previous thread, lets talk about shared values!

What are the most important values to share with your spouse?
What values do you share with your spouse that make your marriage better?
What values to the two of you not share that make life difficult?
Other discussion on this topic? Please share.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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hastentheday
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Re: Shared values

Post by hastentheday »

WirelessRouter wrote: Thu Feb 25, 2021 2:02 pm Inspired by Newwifenewlife's comment in a previous thread, lets talk about shared values!

What are the most important values to share with your spouse?
What values do you share with your spouse that make your marriage better?
What values to the two of you not share that make life difficult?
Other discussion on this topic? Please share.
I started a similar thread on January 2 which answers these questions in much greater detail. Here is the link to that:

viewtopic.php?f=28&t=1450&hilit=compatibility

Definitely faith is the number one value shared by both of us. All other values don't matter as much without our committed faith in Jesus Christ and our commitment to each other in our marriage. Its the singular reason why I married DW. Kids/parenting, finance/money, and friendship are also highly similar.

At this time, I'm just not going to answer the other questions, but by visiting the link I provided above, one can glean where work needs to be done.
Last edited by hastentheday on Fri Feb 26, 2021 11:22 am, edited 1 time in total.
2 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
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DoveGrey
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Re: Shared values

Post by DoveGrey »

@Wireless, thank you for starting this thread. I feel it touches on a nuance that other recent similar topics don't focus on. You ask questions that don't deal with compatibility or shared interests. Values are quite different. As you are single, I think the questions you ask are relevant to readers who may be just starting to determine their own values. If you don't know your own values, then finding a mate with shared values is going to be an uphill battle.
WirelessRouter wrote: Thu Feb 25, 2021 2:02 pm What are the most important values to share with your spouse?
Clearly, a shared faith should be at the top of the list for any Christian. For example, I am unequally yoked. Most people we know are surprised to learn this because Dh "lives the life." There is a certain loneliness for me because of this. I will never share theological debate with my husband, I sit alone at church when I'm not serving, and I miss out on a camaraderie that I see among couples at church. Ultimately, God is the one I keep my eyes on, but there is a sense of emptiness nonetheless. I wouldn't wish that for anyone else. That being said, the Christian label is not the end all be all. Dh is the first man I ever dated who wasn't a regular church goer. I had an assumption that a church going choir boy would be enough. It isn't. Find a real Christian who also shares some of your other values. Someone who isn't just a Sunday Christian.

Beyond a shared faith, the answer to your question will vary so much between couples. My Dh and I have very few shared interests. That isn't the same thing as our shared values, which is ultimately the glue that holds us together. No matter where we've been, or apart for how long, we are each the only one whom the other seeks. I know other men with whom I am probably more compatible on the surface, and yet it is my husband I crave. Our shared values surpass all those other things.

Keeping in mind that these will be different for everyone, here are ours, in no particular order.

1. Thirst for knowledge. We are both sharp minded and are constantly seeking new information. I couldn't be with someone who wasn't constantly learning.

2. Intensity of action. We are both notorious for this in our separate circles. When we want something, we go for it. We get frustrated with people who don't.

3. Patience. This seems to contradict #2, but we are both good at showing patience to others while being frustrated inside. When we come together in the evening, we can understand each other while we vent.

4. A need to help others with their problems. We can both be understanding of each other when this takes time, and we are each good at offering the other advice.


Despite all my friends, Dh is the only man who really understands my values. Before we left our previous careers because we wanted to have time for a family, we were known as a power couple. It's tough to be with people like us. We both know that. And because of that, we are each grateful to have found someone who understands what it's like to have this personality.

In my experience, if you know your own values and seek the same in a potential mate, then the rest of it can be handled through frank communication and compromise when necessary.
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newwifenewlife
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Re: Shared values

Post by newwifenewlife »

Besides spiritual beliefs (which can encompass beliefs and practices), here's some others (many of these are things are part of the PREPARE-ENRICH evaluation/test which I highly recommend couples take it, especially as a part of the dating & PRE-engagement process)

- communication
- honesty
- trust
- family
- children & parenting
- generosity
- work ethic
- discipline
- conflict resolution
- financial management
- sexuality and affection
- shared activities

Each of the items on this list have an variety of subcategories. Below is a link that might be helpful for some couples to take the time to work through. It appears to be from an org in Seattle that uses PREPARE-ENRICH. P/E is a scientific test developed over 40 years. It tests not only for shared values and relational areas but it also addresses the S.C.O.P.E. Personality Scales of each individual in the relationship (Social...Change...Organized...Pleasing...Emotionally Steady).

I'm not paid for any of this. I just found it helpful for DW and I to help DW & I decide whether to go forward in our relationship and then be aware of the areas where we differ and how to understand each other and/or address the differences in our SCOPEs because our values tested where so high. I will always encourage couples to take it or require them to if I'm gonna marry them (including my kids).

PREPARE ENRICH workbook PDF from an org in Seattle
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Re: Shared values

Post by Irnmyk »

Here's what I have found to be important.

1. Spirituality - similar, or one might say, shared Spiritual interests and goals. (Don't be unequally yoked).
2. Education level - again I recommend not being unequally yoked. You don't have to have the same certificates or degrees, but a PHD marrying a high school drop out is a formula for disaster, generally speaking. You will have a lifetime of having to talk to one another, and the more common your base is, the better that will be.
3. Cultural similarities. I know, before someone points it out that cross-cultural marriages do work, but, I also know (from close personal experience within my own family) that it brings difficulties that are often insurmountable.
4. Social level. One of the most miserable men I know was the guy from a modest background - a peer, I might say - who married the rich socialite. His wealthy F-I-L ran his life with the power of his $$$$ and he hated it, and... resented those of us who got to run our own lives as we earned our own ways. Think about it.
5. And, yes, political views. You better have some commonality in that area, or be prepared for some difficult conversations.
6. One that may not seem important, but that I have seen cause problems is regional differences. Many is the guy who has married some cute gal and then finds out to his dismay that she wants to move way across the country back to some part that he is unfamiliar with (and may not like) so she can live near Mamma. I wouldn't consider that a "show-stopper" as, say, I would Spirituality, but I've seen that cause an underlying resentment that isn't a good part of any marriage.
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Re: Shared values

Post by WirelessRouter »

Irnmyk wrote: Fri Feb 26, 2021 10:00 am Here's what I have found to be important.
Tell me about your marriage too though. What do you and your lady mind meld over? Is there anything the two of you have never been able to agree on? I want to hear your experience with this topic as well.
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newwifenewlife
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Re: Shared values

Post by newwifenewlife »

Irnmyk wrote: Fri Feb 26, 2021 10:00 am...
1. Spirituality - similar, or one might say, shared Spiritual interests and goals.
2. Education level - again I recommend not being unequally yoked. You don't have to have the same certificates or degrees, but a PHD marrying a high school drop out is a formula for disaster, generally speaking.
3. Cultural similarities. I know, before someone points it out that cross-cultural marriages do work, but, I also know (from close personal experience within my own family) that it brings difficulties that are often insurmountable.
4. Social level. One of the most miserable men I know was the guy from a modest background - a peer, I might say - who married the rich socialite. His wealthy F-I-L ran his life with the power of his $$$$ and he hated it, and... resented those of us who got to run our own lives as we earned our own ways.
5. And, yes, political views. You better have some commonality in that area, or be prepared for some difficult conversations.
6. One that may not seem important, but that I have seen cause problems is regional differences. Many is the guy who has married some cute gal and then finds out to his dismay that she wants to move way across the country back to some part that he is unfamiliar with (and may not like) so she can live near Mamma...
Seems to me some of the things you reference are experiential, boundary issues, lack of marital preparation or communication or problem-solving skills after marriage, not necessarily values. I know couples that have had the same issues you speak of and have a different experience from what you shared because of their shared values and abilities to communicate, work through the issues, and or set boundaries on themselves to protect them from others meddling. Yes, those things are important issues to navigate and worth serious pre-engagement, pre-marital and professional counseling help to address.
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WirelessRouter
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Re: Shared values

Post by WirelessRouter »

newwifenewlife wrote: Fri Feb 26, 2021 11:16 am Seems to me some of the things you reference are experiential, boundary issues, lack of marital preparation or communication or problem-solving skills after marriage, not necessarily values.
So tell us what values you and your wife share that enable you to work though similar issues in your marriage, please? I want to hear examples from peoples' lives.
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Re: Shared values

Post by Oldbear »

Values that we share together:

Soul and Sole mates: We share everything and anything. Nothing is held back or kept secret even when it’s raw truth. We were virgins when married and have been sexually faithful to each other for nearly 50 years.

Christ as #1 in our lives: We are bound in our common bond that Jesus is our Lord and that he is Lord of our lives.

Giving: We always have been and continue to prioritize a tithe and offering (to our local church) and philanthropy to ministries, education, and health-related causes. We give as a first fruit of our income.

Orderliness: Nothing is out of place. Both of us are tidy, organized, and keep things in well maintained and working order. She has never picked up a piece of my laundry, nor have I for her. Our desks are never cluttered and files are in order. Our work spaces (kitchen and shop) clean and organized.

Happy to be together/Give each other space: We are not ‘needy.’ We love companionship and conversation, yet we enjoy our own hobbies and time to ourselves. We love car travel and listen to audio books with delight!

Love and Like: We tell each other that ‘I love you’ multiple times a day. We love to cuddle and hug. We also tell each other that ‘I like you’ a lot! We both love and like each other. From our observation of some of our friend couples, we don’t always see couples that love and like each other.

Ministry: We are both committed to our church and multiple ministries. We thrive on using our spiritual gifts.

Prayer: We love to pray together. If I went to her right now and said, ‘I want to pray with you about _____,’ she’d embrace me and we’d pray immediately. We also pray together each night before drifting off to sleep.

Values that we have struggled with:

Extrovert/Introvert: Not so much value differences; more personality differences. I’m an extrovert and love to socialize. Business requirements to socialize have been a challenge for Mrs. Youngbear/Oldbear. We’ve met in the middle. I don’t unnecessarily obligate her, and she is generous even when it is not her ‘cup of tea’ to socialize.

Time management: She has never been late to or for anything - ever! In the old days of travel, my goal was to be the last person to embark on a plane. The door had been shut many a time before I sat down! In the past ten years, that has completely changed. I’m sad and embarrassed to say that it took me that long to share her value of giving myself time and being early for everything.
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Re: Shared values

Post by Duchess »

I'm not sure I've ever known a very specific definition for values. I always associate values with moral beliefs, which in my mind all fall under the heading of being equally yoked. We were attending different denominations when we met, but in all the essentials our beliefs agreed. All our other values pretty much flow from there: Don't put nothin' before God and don't go messin' around with idols. Don't go disrespectin' the Lord and get your butt to church on Sunday. Listen to your momma and don't talk back to your daddy. Life is precious. Marriage is sacred. Don't take what ain't yours, don't lie, and don't go wishin' you had what belongs to somebody else. (Sorry--the book I've been reading is set in Tennessee. Car racin', banjo strummin', God fearin' salt of the earth folks who sound, in my head, a lot like a lot of the folks around here. :lol: )
My point is that I've never really seen values as separate from our Christian morals. Things that are separate are more like customs or cultural or societal practices.
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