*Through a Man's Eyes*

Addiction, wrong expectations, habitual masturbation ...
User avatar
cbmike
King bed
Posts: 735
Joined: Thu Jun 13, 2013 1:54 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): June 7th, 2013
Gender: Male
Location: Yarvil, OH

Re: *Through a Man's Eyes*

Postby cbmike » Tue Aug 18, 2015 10:58 pm

SquarePants wrote:I quickly read through chapter one in the book (chapter one is online for free). Unlike the guy in chapter one, I don’t really worry about it. He seems stressed by it. I just accept that this is who and I am and this is how God made me. I think that I’d go crazy trying to avoid it 100%, and I don’t think that it’s healthy or even possible.

So I just read the first chapter, then I wrote a pretty salty response and deleted it because it was cathartic, but I think I can discuss it a little more calmly now.

I think a lot of Jack's problems stem from how disturbed he seems to be by himself, like Square said. It seems like the polar bear problem to me (try not to think of a polar bear). He's so obsessed with guarding his mind from these things that he unwittingly causes them to surface much more often and more strongly than they would otherwise. And the result is him avoiding his coworkers and treating women differently based on how they are dressed. I get that the story is didactic, and the point is supposed to be that he couldn't really interact with Abbie because of how she dressed, but Dionne's "professional" attire allowed him to see her as a person, but no. Just. No.

I don't know. I didn't read the whole book obviously. Maybe they place some blame on Jack later for not allowing himself to get past a woman's clothes (figuratively). Just. Bleh.
There's one thing I know, and this is it.

User avatar
SeekingChange
Under the stars
Posts: 5167
Joined: Mon Apr 22, 2013 12:41 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 17th, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: *Through a Man's Eyes*

Postby SeekingChange » Sat Aug 22, 2015 2:51 pm

I just finished the book. There was nothing really new to me in the book but I did like the explanation and backing of the "why" behind a man's automatic reaction. My husband fits the typical man and he, in his own words, described exactly what the story of Jack portrayed, just a few weeks ago.

The good news for me is I realized even more how open we have come in our communication. Like I said, nothing was surprise for me with the ways of a man, because of discussions with my husband and reading on here.

Now what I didn't really get and was surprised about was the constant references to the ways women would be reacting to the "new information", that seemed more unbelievable to me.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

My Story

User avatar
Leah
Under the stars
Posts: 15940
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2006 6:42 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 3rd, 1979
Gender: Female
Location: The Volunteer State

Re: *Through a Man's Eyes*

Postby Leah » Sat Aug 22, 2015 3:59 pm

SeekingChange wrote:Now what I didn't really get and was surprised about was the constant references to the ways women would be reacting to the "new information", that seemed more unbelievable to me.


Yes, and a little insulting, I thought. I'm not a big fan of the author, and never listen to her podcast because she likes to talk over people.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


TMB Copyright and Fair Use

User avatar
padsnd
Under the stars
Posts: 4071
Joined: Fri Jul 08, 2005 12:15 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): January 1st, 2004
Gender: Male
Location: USA

Re: *Through a Man's Eyes*

Postby padsnd » Sat Aug 22, 2015 5:04 pm

SeekingChange wrote:Now what I didn't really get and was surprised about was the constant references to the ways women would be reacting to the "new information", that seemed more unbelievable to me.


I haven't had a chance to read this book, but what "unbelievable" responses did she provide?




Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk
padsnd

User avatar
Leah
Under the stars
Posts: 15940
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2006 6:42 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 3rd, 1979
Gender: Female
Location: The Volunteer State

Re: *Through a Man's Eyes*

Postby Leah » Sat Aug 22, 2015 5:09 pm

That they would be mad, mostly. Supposedly one woman was on her second copy because she got so mad the first time around she through the book in the pool.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


TMB Copyright and Fair Use

User avatar
SeekingChange
Under the stars
Posts: 5167
Joined: Mon Apr 22, 2013 12:41 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 17th, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: *Through a Man's Eyes*

Postby SeekingChange » Sat Aug 22, 2015 5:12 pm

I am sure there is truth to them and there are enough women who respond that way or they wouldn't have kept focusing on it.... but anger (with advice to put down the book, don't say anything to your husband until in the right mindset, etc), disbelief, never being able to trust their husbands again, those are the things I can think of at the moment.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

My Story

User avatar
Leah
Under the stars
Posts: 15940
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2006 6:42 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 3rd, 1979
Gender: Female
Location: The Volunteer State

Re: *Through a Man's Eyes*

Postby Leah » Sat Aug 22, 2015 5:17 pm

And BE MODEST. I didn't read a whole lot about the visual saturation of the one person who is allowed to see my body.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


TMB Copyright and Fair Use

User avatar
padsnd
Under the stars
Posts: 4071
Joined: Fri Jul 08, 2005 12:15 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): January 1st, 2004
Gender: Male
Location: USA

*Through a Man's Eyes*

Postby padsnd » Sat Aug 22, 2015 5:25 pm

Leah wrote:That they would be mad, mostly. Supposedly one woman was on her second copy because she got so mad the first time around she through the book in the pool.

Perhaps this is not a high percentage of women, but are you suggesting that women like this don't exist? If I understand the point of the book, I can think of a few women over the years--even ones brave enough to come argue at TMB--that would be offended that such a book even suggested these things. I suspect that many others would be angry and just avoid the book--even if a pool wasn't nearby.


Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk
padsnd

User avatar
SeekingChange
Under the stars
Posts: 5167
Joined: Mon Apr 22, 2013 12:41 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 17th, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: *Through a Man's Eyes*

Postby SeekingChange » Sat Aug 22, 2015 5:34 pm

Comparing my husband's experience and what he has shared and what was shared in the book about how anything "sexual" automatically lights up the nucleus accumbens part of the brain verses what is not seen as sexual, modesty makes sense to me.

We also don't realize how intense a man's reaction is. According to the latest brain science research, the gut-level reaction men have to a sexual image is also quite a bit stronger than the thinking-oriented reaction of women. And the strength of that sight and that reaction can even impact how the brain processes those images over time.

It is also important to note that a man's reaction is different if the image is attractive but isnt perceived as sexual. Men are able to appreciate beauty just like we are, after all, and that includes noticing that a woman is attractive-- without any physical reaction. If a man sees an attractive woman who is not calling overt attention to her body, it is often a nonissue. His nucleus accumbens simply doesn't light up. The automatic reaction, and thus temptation, isn't triggered. Without having to work at it, he can mind his own business and go about his day.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

My Story

User avatar
Leah
Under the stars
Posts: 15940
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2006 6:42 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 3rd, 1979
Gender: Female
Location: The Volunteer State

Re: *Through a Man's Eyes*

Postby Leah » Sat Aug 22, 2015 5:46 pm

I think some women might get mad, but a woman who has her husband's best interests at heart, and who is interested in his well being and a healthy marriage might take some things to heart. Unfortunately there was too much on the modesty lecture and not enough about being available and generous in visually delighting a husband.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


TMB Copyright and Fair Use

User avatar
lysander
Twin size
Posts: 19
Joined: Sun Mar 12, 2006 11:51 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): July 15th, 2005
Gender: Male
Location: Canada

Re: *Through a Man's Eyes*

Postby lysander » Sun Aug 23, 2015 6:00 am

Leah wrote:
SeekingChange wrote:Now what I didn't really get and was surprised about was the constant references to the ways women would be reacting to the "new information", that seemed more unbelievable to me.

Yes, and a little insulting, I thought. I'm not a big fan of the author, and never listen to her podcast because she likes to talk over people.

I read the first (free) chapter and then read large chunks of it on Amazon (which you can do if you login). It is written at a very low level. Simplistic. It seems that more and more Christian books are written like this - as if we're all becoming dumber. I prefer books that are intellectually challenging and make me think.

User avatar
SeekingChange
Under the stars
Posts: 5167
Joined: Mon Apr 22, 2013 12:41 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 17th, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: *Through a Man's Eyes*

Postby SeekingChange » Sun Aug 23, 2015 7:34 am

This may be simplistic, but if a couple are not communicating, or one or both just doesn't have the words to explain or they just aren't understanding what the other is saying, this book could help with that. What I read about the visual male fits with what my husband has communicated with me in his own way, but he's a communicator and many husbands aren't.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

My Story

User avatar
bigloop
Hammock
Posts: 1175
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 7:57 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): February 20th, 1993
Gender: Male

Re: *Through a Man's Eyes*

Postby bigloop » Tue Sep 01, 2015 6:58 am

I think it is rather strange that a woman tries to explain life "through a man's eyes." I know her audience is women and many women allow more credit when it comes from a sister, so I understand. I think her purpose may be laudable. But is it needed? Perhaps for some. Perhaps some women really need to understand why hubby wants the lights on and it is important she allow it. I could tell you how my mind-movies have changed leading roles - but it should be obvious. I can now thank God when they play rather than ask forgiveness.

God's way....works every time it's tried....on both sides of this equation. The problem is that modesty can be subjective. I mean some believe it is an eye-slit burka and others believe as long as you cover the nipples, it's not nudity. But common sense and intellectual honesty with scripture should prevail. Most women who wear something 'questionable' know it when they do and if they were honest with themselves, they know why they do it. Sometimes that may not be the case. I've had to reveal to my wife a few times how she could be perceived differently than she intends. She has a pair of leather pants that I LOVE! But I've had to ask her not to wear them to church. She doesn't wear them at all now. She has a popping new dress that's she has worn there twice. It's just above the knees, and tight. No cleavage, not strappy, but still very sexy. She loves it, it makes her feel very confident and sexy - and I have reaped the benefit of both. But I have also paid attention to my brothers and I may have to speak to her about it. It pains my heart to think about doing so.

The man has great responsibility. Eye control is always needed. I've heard men who live in those burka societies talk about the 'sexual draw of the eyes". So I guess the next step for them would be total coverage or women hidden inside the home always. Seems absurd doesn't it?
Not all men are so visually obsessed, but most I've known are at some level.
A question I would ask any God fearing, honest woman though would be 'do you want any man beside your husband fantasizing about your body?" Probably not. No more than you would want your husband fantasizing about another woman's body. Women can't control the men's actions but they can always control their's under their own self respect and respect for the men around them. Same reason I keep my conversations with women very short, small and/or professional - even our friends - because they are all married and have husbands they should be having deep discussion with. Why? Because that is where many women's weakness is. Satan will always temp us right where we live and are the weakest. Both sexes need to realize this.

Gender notwithstanding. I do believe it is the responsibility of every Christian to do all they can to help a brother or sister avoid sin, or at least not place a trap before them. There are too many scriptures to list that support this. It's part of the second greatest command, which is likened to command #1. When I hear someone say "it's not my problem if you are tempted by how I dress!" I wonder if they truly understand rule #1 or #2.

For a single woman, I think the question is even easier - "do you want to attract a man that only cares about your body and sex? -because that is easy to do." I've tried to teach my son this concept. God has a plan. God wants him to be totally enamored with his future wife and he has a responsibility in that plan. God knows how men's minds work. Why would we ever be so arrogant as to try to outthink God?
So is it a good thing for women to learn how a man's mind tends to work? Yes. As long as they try to remember God made men that way for a reason and they seek how to adhere to Gods plan and use it to all it's glory, and not selfishly.
That's how this looks through this man's eyes.

User avatar
SeekingChange
Under the stars
Posts: 5167
Joined: Mon Apr 22, 2013 12:41 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 17th, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: *Through a Man's Eyes*

Postby SeekingChange » Tue Sep 01, 2015 7:12 am

Don't miss the fact that this was co-authored by Craig Gross who founded XXXChurch...I believe he has some experience with men and their visualness.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

My Story

User avatar
bigloop
Hammock
Posts: 1175
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 7:57 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): February 20th, 1993
Gender: Male

Re: *Through a Man's Eyes*

Postby bigloop » Tue Sep 01, 2015 7:13 am

Good point. He certainly would.

User avatar
poetess
Under the stars
Posts: 3045
Joined: Thu Aug 30, 2012 8:47 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): October 8th, 2011
Gender: Female

Re: *Through a Man's Eyes*

Postby poetess » Tue Sep 01, 2015 8:44 am

Bigloop, may I say gently that it seems like you think it should be "obvious" how most men are wired, even though most women are wired differently . . . but you also sound like you're assuming what goes on inside a woman's head when you aren't a woman. I truly don't think "most women" are trying to get men to lust when they wear mildly immodest clothing (grossly immodest, yes). I know that some women are trying to evoke men's lust, but some of those don't really know what they're playing with.

Right now, for example, the style for pants makes it really difficult not to wear tight-fitting ones. First, that's all the stores are selling (or it was last time I went shopping for pants). Now, I got around the tight fit last time I bought pants by going a full two sizes up from my usual size, and at that size they're a flattering fit (not frumpy, but not immodestly tight). But many women wouldn't do that AND I find that my choice to do so means I have to wear a belt and yank my pants up all day long, because the styles are really not made for the way I wear them; they're made to be skin tight. A teen girl who sees everyone wearing those, and sees nothing else in the store, may have no desire whatsoever to attract men's eyes; she simply wears what is available and in style. A few years ago I once went a full two or three years without buying new pants because multiple attempts to buy them came up with nothing acceptable; a growing girl (or a woman moving into a new size, or even someone whose clothes have worn out) may not have that luxury; she needs clothes.

As you've pointed out, a man can find a way to lust even if the woman is wearing a burka. So on some level, women should do the best they can and men also need to find a godly way to deal with women that doesn't dehumanize them even if the woman is making unwise choices. But understanding how men think is useful to a woman--especially, perhaps, a single woman who doesn't have a male up close and personal to learn to understand his thinking.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

User avatar
MayDayGirl
Hammock
Posts: 1162
Joined: Thu Aug 24, 2006 4:54 pm
Location: The Burbs

Re: *Through a Man's Eyes*

Postby MayDayGirl » Tue Sep 01, 2015 9:08 am

bigloop wrote:So is it a good thing for women to learn how a man's mind tends to work? Yes. As long as they try to remember God made men that way for a reason and they seek how to adhere to Gods plan and use it to all it's glory, and not selfishly.


What is that reason?

User avatar
bigloop
Hammock
Posts: 1175
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 7:57 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): February 20th, 1993
Gender: Male

Re: *Through a Man's Eyes*

Postby bigloop » Tue Sep 01, 2015 6:13 pm

Poetess - maybe more women aren't as self-aware as I give them credit for. You also qualified modesty - mild and gross - proving my point that it can be subjective in the wearer's eyes.
As far as style goes, I agree that many of today's are inherently questionable in the least. But I wonder how well the "it was in style" argument would play with God. There are some who choose to make their own clothes because they take modesty so seriously and they can't purchase what they consider modest in the public marketplace. I'm not saying that is required, but I do respect their commitment. I respect your commitment with your choice of pants wear you shared. I would trust that you would likely guide a daughter similarly one day. If only more parents would do the same. That needs to come from a good mother and from that good mother's example, as you showed. A father must be very careful in that situation - hence why God designed the family as he did.
I have a little hesitancy with your choice of word - dehumanize. Lustfully objectify, certainly a possibility. Every man who notices an attractive woman and feels that draw of lust has a choice to propagate it into sin or put in proper perspective. But just noticing a woman for her beauty is not the sin. That is the bird that lights on your head. The sin is allowing it to build a nest there.
I agreed wholly that it is important for women to understand how men think (most men). Fortunately, most of us aren't terribly complicated.

You women though.....:-)

MayDayGirl wrote:What is that reason?

What is the reason most women aren't so visually prone?

User avatar
poetess
Under the stars
Posts: 3045
Joined: Thu Aug 30, 2012 8:47 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): October 8th, 2011
Gender: Female

Re: *Through a Man's Eyes*

Postby poetess » Wed Sep 02, 2015 6:07 am

Bigloop, you say,

Poetess - maybe more women aren't as self-aware as I give them credit for.


I don't think it's necessarily lack of self-awareness as much as it is lack of male awareness. Women don't innately know how men think. And for many, many women, attire has nothing at all to do with men. Women dress, in roughly this order of awareness (varies from person to person): (1) for what they think looks good on them, (2) based on what is in style, (3) based on what their friends wear, and (4) based on other people outside their circles. A married woman or a woman looking to marry needs to factor her husband in there, too. And a woman who isn't married, but is aware of lust, also should factor in how men will see an outfit. But I can tell you for sure that when I was twenty, modesty was the only part of my attire that factored in men; I was not dressing to attract men, and if I hadn't been raised to think about modesty in what I wore, I likely wouldn't have factored in that angle either. That wouldn't have been lack of self-awareness, but lack of male awareness.

Further, I had a good friend who was dating, and I didn't like what I saw of her public displays of affection, and told her as much. She reassured me that she was more discreet in private alone with him than in public . . . but she also told me how empowering it was (I doubt she used that word) to get him aroused. And I simply didn't know what to think about that. I was naive enough that I hadn't even realized that men were arouse-able other than directly before having sex; I guess I'd thought it was deliberate choice on the part of the man, like taking off his pants. And when she told me it was cool when her boyfriend would get aroused by her, I had no context for what to think. But for sure I didn't know enough to know that she was being unkind to find pleasure in that and to see it as some kind of victory even though she had no intent on doing anything about the arousal. I was 20, raised in a Christian home, with several brothers, and that's how limited my own understanding of male sexuality was. Other women aren't, on average, that naive, but some are.

And

I have a little hesitancy with your choice of word - dehumanize. Lustfully objectify, certainly a possibility. Every man who notices an attractive woman and feels that draw of lust has a choice to propagate it into sin or put in proper perspective. But just noticing a woman for her beauty is not the sin.


Indeed I argued just yesterday on another thread that noticing a woman's beauty is not wrong, and that I do it myself. When I used the word "dehumanize" I meant much, much more than that. Men are perfectly capable of seeing women as no more than a collection of nice body parts. I'm not saying any man on here does that, but virtually every woman has had men reply to her that way (even if she is dressed extremely modestly--I've had rudeness directed my way when I was wearing a winter coat that went down to my knees and boots that went up to my knees).
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

User avatar
bigloop
Hammock
Posts: 1175
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 7:57 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): February 20th, 1993
Gender: Male

Re: *Through a Man's Eyes*

Postby bigloop » Wed Sep 02, 2015 7:17 am

I can agree with your principle thought. I have taught my son (tried at least) to view girls first in the light of God, as a sister and a soul belonging to God first. Fortunately he has a little sister so he can relate more than I could as the young, uninhibited teen I was. And I'd didn't have a father at home....but that's another story... I will just say I understand your point more clearly than you realize.


Return to “Pornography”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users