Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

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TJC
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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby TJC » Sun Jan 08, 2017 8:31 am

Thanks to both OML and bigloop for your replies. DW and I talked about this again this morning. I had read the response from OML at that point. It does seem that her addiction to food is not much different than my porn issue. The only major difference I can see is that for her, it's something she must battle every day. For me, porn is only an issue when we are at odds with one another over our sex life, which lately has been a lot, and I'm home alone. If either of those conditions are not met, then normally I can control myself, although there have been exceptions. Going down the rabbit hole of underlying causes of both, first make me more sympathetic to her struggle and secondly see a connection between her poor self-image, because of guilt over eating, and her lack of interest in sex.

Part of our discussion this morning was related to the issue of how she should handle being sexual even though my drive is practically non-existent. My thoughts were essentially that I thought it would be possible to ML, if I could be sure that she wasn't feeling pressured or feeling guilty about our sex life, and that she really desired to connect with me sexually. We definitely need more work on the non-sexual aspect of our relationship, before it's even possible at this point.
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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby TJC » Sun Jan 08, 2017 6:48 pm

Struggled with depression again today. I said I was going to start working out again today, but simply couldn't muster up the motivation.The one constant is an awareness of God's love for me. He reveals himself to me in so many small ways, and reminds me that he's there.
I let my wife read the responses to my questions, then told her to do whatever she wants in that area as I don't think it will matter as far as the reboot is concerned. This is hard enough on her without her having to guard herself, in terms of her affections.
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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby TJC » Mon Jan 09, 2017 11:23 am

Woke up feeling sexual for the first time in a couple of weeks. Depression has lifted for now at least. In conversation with DW this morning I mentioned how her general LD is in some ways a blessing, since in my own eyes she would have been perfectly justified in having an affair after my own infidelity, followed by an admission that I don't know if I could handle her having an affair (yes I am perfectly aware of how hypocritical that is on my part.) This led to a confession I have offered several times, only to be told she didn't want to know. The last specific confession was something like thirty years ago, and while she was aware of some online chats during a dark time in our marriage about 10 years ago (I was sleeping in my vehicle at work rather than come home during the week), she did not know of a short-lived infidelity that took place at that time.

It came about like this: After commenting on how she would be justified in having an affair after my infidelity, she commented that that was thirty years ago. Door open. My reply was the truth. No, there was one during the time before my spiritual awakening when we were struggling period. Not just sexually but in every aspect of our relationship. I followed that by letting her know that I have not been tempted by another RL woman since my starting over in my relationship with God. I also asked if this changed anything for her. She said no, but I think the next time we speak (she's sleeping now) I need to ask her forgiveness for this, even though she has been adamant about not wanting to know all these years. If I'm truly honest, when I started over in my Christian life I did not even offer to confess this, for fear of how it would affect our marriage. It was only after a time of growing closer to God that I brought it up again, and she said she didn't want to know. I did not tell her at that point,because I would not burden her with knowledge she didn't want, just to make myself feel better. This is the last of my secrets from her, and for better or worse, regardless of how it affects our relationship, I'm thankful it came out. We'll have to see how this plays out.
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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby TJC » Wed Jan 11, 2017 8:52 am

The depression has seemed to have lifted for the most part. DW and I decided last night that remaining apart was NOT a factor in my porn addiction one way or the other. My libido to some extent has returned. Still not what it was, but perhaps it was overly stimulated from obsessing about our sex life. have decided that even thought the reboot had some effect on my libido, how I felt about our marriage was a factor too. DW has been very supportive through this depressed state I've been in. It's almost as if the day I found out she had secured new hours from her job, my libido started to return. This led me to question if my depression were real,or if I just used it to get her to do what I've wanted for awhile now. I concluded that it was not me just acting- the depression was very real, but seems more tied to how I feel about our relationship than anything else. I was NOT using it to manipulate DW, but perhaps God was using it to guide her....
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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby doug-h » Wed Jan 11, 2017 9:03 am

I think that a very common thread of depression is hopelessness.

It may be that as things started changing, that some of that hopelessness lifted, and with it, some of the depression.

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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby TJC » Thu Jan 12, 2017 10:25 am

Today my mood is still improving. I asked my wife to forgive me, for my adultery that I had never told her about,which she readily forgave. From all I can tell it bothered me more than it bothered her. She had told me once before that she realized that apart from Christ, either of us are capable of almost anything. The reason this is relevant is because most of our lives has been spent with an incorrect understanding of Christian life. It's only been in the last four years, that I have been consistently working towards growing in my faith. It's also been the most stable in my faith that I have ever been. At any rate I'm extremely thankful for my wife"s forgiving attitude. I count it as a blessing from God.
While my libido is returning, there has been no indications of any desire for porn. I am still on guard for any potential triggers, since I am aware that the rewiring may not be complete, and even if it is old habits die hard.
That brings me to some thoughts I had concerning addictions in general. During our conversations comparing food addictions to porn addictions here's the thing that stuck out to me. When my wife are ML, almost immediately I start obsessing about when will be the next time. It drips into almost every conversation we have. Now DW says that she is the exact same way with food, even though I don't notice it in our conversations usually, but now that I think about it, she does tend to talk about food a lot. Partly that's been because of a concerted effort to eat healthier, but not entirely. but I digress. :lol:
I was reading threads in which advice was given on how to replace thoughts of an adulterous partner with positive thoughts of one's spouse, in order to restore intimate feelings in the marriage. That got me to thinking- could the same technique be applied to any other obsession? According to DW, my obsession is our marriage, especially where sex is concerned due to my insecurities in our relationship. Her obsession is food, due to childhood memories her parents struggling on put food on the table, sometimes sending her on church outings, because they knew she would be fed.In either case what kind of thought transfers could be effecive in overcoming these obsessions? This is probably worthy of it's own thread, but I would really like to know what others think.
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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby tjw » Thu Jan 12, 2017 10:37 am

could the same technique be applied to any other obsession?


Yes. This is exactly as the bible directs us and can be applied to any thought pattern we have. It is indeed also the very root of the salvation process itself. As we focus our lives upon Christ, His example, His behavior, His interaction with His disciples, in place of the "old man" thinking, His thinking becomes the new norm for us, and we become better equipped to reject sin and adopt obedience.

It has "worked" for countless millions of us Christians over centuries. Because of the greatness and goodness of God, who sends His rain upon both the just and the unjust, it works even if applied by non-Christians, or even atheists.

what kind of thought transfers could be effecive in overcoming these obsessions?


The bible gives us clear-cut instructions on this question:

The Apostle Paul from Phillippians 4:8 (KJV):

Finally, brothers, whatever things are true, whatever things are honest, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

Just as your own example of replacing adulterous thoughts with those of your own wife. This is biblically sound, as it replaces unjust thought with pure, lovely, virtuous thought.

old habits die hard.


Yes. The "old man" doesn't go away without a struggle. But God will give strength and wisdom, and die, indeed, the old man will, if you persist in the "new man" thoughts.

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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby TJC » Thu Jan 12, 2017 11:09 am

My question on what sort of thought transfers could be applied was targeted mainly to our specific issues- Food and sex. Any thoughts on that?
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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby tjw » Thu Jan 12, 2017 11:36 am

Your own description of transferring thoughts of adultery to those of having sex with your wife is just perfect. Couldn't be better.

Insofar as food is concerned, I have had that battle for 64 years. I've probably gained and lost 500 pounds over those 6 decades. I was overfed as a kid and have had to fight my thought life ever since. I'm a "nervous eater", and the thoughts of eating come to me when I'm stressed.

What works for me is visualization: like instead of thinking that I have the "munchies", I transfer my thought of how good a diet soda or a big glass of cold filtered water would taste. Then, I look at the time. If I still have the "munchies" 10 minutes later, I give myself a "reward" and go for the diet soda or water.

I bought myself a water dispenser that takes the 5-gallon bottles and I can refill these at a local grocery for $ 1.75 - one bottle lasts DW and I about 9 or 10 days, we use it for coffee and tea, also. It provides a much better reward than drinking tap water, which in our locale is "hard water" and doesn't taste so good.

From time to time, I also buy stalks of celery and baby carrots. I can go for them as a reward, too, when the urges get bad.

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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby TJC » Thu Jan 12, 2017 11:50 am

Ok except in my case my obsession is sex WITH my wife. :wink: With the whole food thing, my DW has lost over 80 pounds over the last couple years, through reframing it in the context of eating healthy. Still the obsession about what she's going to have for her next meal starts right after she's eaten. I've always been kind of whatever with regards to food, but simply can't get enough of my wife. Your solution seems more to stay in the realm of what to have , rather than replacing it with something else, which was more along the lines of what I was thinking. I guess I'm wondering can you replace one unhealthy obsession with another healthy obsession? Or is that just crazy thinking? I have been accused of that! :lol:
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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby tjw » Thu Jan 12, 2017 12:09 pm

I can't say if it's "crazy", but it seems to me you are "overthinking" the problem.

I cannot label wanting sex with your wife as an "obsession". To me, that is a legitimate, God-given, desire that you have "taken captive" to God's will and intent for your life. At that "point", you have fulfilled your biblical responsibility and can, in an unprideful way, feel "good" about your obedience to God. Biblically, you need to go no further than this, and we must also be careful not to "add words" to His word and His direction.

There is nothing completely outside the realm of sex which can replace sex, and there is nothing completely outside the realm of food which can replace food. I don't think God has intended for us to have "replacements" which are "other than", but rather for us to exercise the proper moderation and control our partaking to levels which are healthy. I fully believe, that as I write this to you, that your wife seems quite successful at moderation, by the evidence of her weight loss.

I tend to be a "Proverbs" christian, where many are "Psalms" christians. I think both approaches to the scripture are good and wholesome, I think doing what "works" is most of the time, what God wants us to do.

Charles Swindoll once wrote "...if common sense makes good sense, then let's not seek any other sense...."

"Reframing", to me, is exactly the only things we are capable of doing, in the areas of food and sex. And, to me, it is precisely what God asks of us.

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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby bigloop » Thu Jan 12, 2017 9:43 pm

TJC - I know exactly what you're talking about and lived there for years. I can take it a step further. I planned two interludes ahead. I would be thinking...."ok, if we have sex this morning that means it will probably be night after tomorrow.....but I will be late that night so I'll have to maybe put off till tonight....." It gets INSANE! And yes it is an obsession. And yes, sad to break this to you but, it ties back to the addictive cycle. Breaking this is part of the reasoning for the totally celibate reboot and why it takes some much longer than others. It's what brings you to the realization that it's probably not sex itself that you're seeking or obsessed over. There is usually something else - some other hole sex is filling. What is that for you? Can it be filled otherwise?

I know...more work. I'm sorry.

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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby TJC » Fri Jan 13, 2017 5:49 am

I have no idea how to even go about answering those questions. I have always regarded the desire for sex with DW as normal, even if it was a little high.In light of that, perhaps my promise I made to DW to not bring up our sex life, is what triggered the lack of desire and depression. Once we started discussing it again, my desire did come back, even though the desire for porn is still absent. Even being on the forum here could be feeding the addictive cycle, since it gets me thinking about our marriage and sex. I do feel like I get a little clingy with DW, since I don't really have any close friends. I'm not even close to my family, even though I'd like to be, or I think I'd like to be. I don't really put out much effort to get close to anyone else.
I don't doubt that what you're saying is true bigloop, I just wish there were others who have been through this who are willing to comment. My wife has always said she gets really encouraged, and it seems to help me when I have participated in men's groups. Maybe the answer is to simply pour myself into a church and put working on my marriage on hold for awhile. Apart from what DW calls my obsession with sex, which I'm not willing to dispute, we really don't argue or have any other stress over other issues any way. Would like to know what others think.
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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby TJC » Mon Jan 16, 2017 11:06 am

I realized this morning I have not posted any updates in awhile, so I thought I would let ya'll know how things are going. Libido is back big time :o Dw wife have resumed our sex life, even though it was not what we originally agreed on going in to this. Still no desire for porn, although I'm thinking I would like to be more discerning, when viewing tv shows with DW because of the tendency to provocative dress, even in reality shows. Not a big deal except when I watch with DW- my interest lie mostly in reading and music.
Wife has begun her new work hours, and I must say, it's been nice having her home at night to sleep with, even though it is taking some adjustment for both of us.Currently trying to decide on a church to get involved with. Really feels like we have turned the corner on this, but am staying vigilant for any triggers for porn.
I would like to thank those who have commented and offered advice on this. It has been very helpful,even though it was hard for me to hear at times. God Bless you all.
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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby TJC » Fri Jan 27, 2017 10:57 am

Just wanted to post an update on how things are going with this issue. No relapses, or even temptation for. Only thing I hate is lingering images in my head from porn videos, when certain subjects come up in conversations. DW says that I seem much freer, which is a good thing. She would know after all.Looking forward to being able to say this is a lifetime change, and by God's grace it will be.
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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby bigloop » Sat Feb 04, 2017 4:14 pm

I wish I could say the mental images go away completely- but I can say they diminish greatly and all the more as you replace them with good times with the DW

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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby TJC » Sun Feb 05, 2017 6:21 am

Yes I seem to remember reading that somewhere as a strategy for overcoming the mental image thing. Fortunately, DW has overcome her resistance to undressing/being naked around me, so I'm getting plenty of healthy visual images to do battle with. :wink:
Still no relapse, although there was a slight pull towards it a couple of times. Not that I haven't noticed before, but it's been increasingly obvious to me just how much gratuitous sexual content there is in the movie industry today. In watching an action movie last night, I found myself looking away for probably at least twenty minutes at different times to avoid getting images in my head I did not want.
I would say the two things that have helped me the most in this are finally, finally after so many years, of seeming like we were ships passing in the night, it's starting to feel like DW and I are actually living life together. I will forever be grateful that she was willing to change her schedule for me,because it's not something she really wanted to do. Also being able to talk here and being supported here has been invaluable. I thank those who have offered perspective and encouragement in this process, most especially bigloop. God has been faithful to me, even when i could not find my own faith in Him. Blessed be His name forever! God Bless you all.
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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby TJC » Sat Feb 11, 2017 7:42 pm

Temptation to indulge is running high right now, not sure why. Lots going on with family, causing stress. Also an incident happened the other day I didn't handle well in my efforts to be a stronger leader, leaving feeling less than manly. Maybe between the two, it's left me vulnerable? Haven't given in, but this is the strongest temptation I've had since mid-December. Need to pray....
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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby poetess » Sat Feb 11, 2017 8:04 pm

TJC, praying with you tonight.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby SeekingChange » Sat Feb 11, 2017 8:33 pm

I am praying for you also.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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