Truth & Lies

How does past rape, molesting, or other sexual abuse effect future marriage?
CleverCl0vr
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Truth & Lies

Postby CleverCl0vr » Sun Mar 26, 2017 10:44 pm

*First post so if I'm doing this wrong just let me know :D *

I'm really excited to marry my FW, not just for the sexual intimacy but the intimacy that comes from letting someone really know you. But this is a site I feel is going to be a safe place for me to sort some things out. I tend to keep things to myself, mostly the stuff I haven't figured if it's anyones business to know it or not, but being married I feel like my FW should be my confidant & I hers. That being said I was abused(raped) by my best friend when I was 11yrs old, he pushed me to have anal sex & I was super confused & was just starting to understand my own sexual identity but he eventually forced himself on me & it sent me into a tailspin. Porn, homosexual relationships, & a lot of studying anything I could get my hands on about sex. I've told my FW & she has been more than understanding, she asked if I had any feelings towards men & I told her the feelings were never there it was more a blur of confusion and just running through the dark trying to figure everything out that was buzzing in my head.

I sought counseling and after a few years I was able to recover from a lot of the confusion & hurt. My FW & I are going to start pre-marital counseling in a few months and I guess I'm here to sort a few things out, stuff that's kind of been floating in my head and now that I've got an outlet I'd like to hear what both the men & women here have to say. For the record I'm about 30 & she's 26.

1. My first major question is can someone point me to a thread on how to discuss sex with your FW. I want to create a safe space where we both can talk about what our expectations are.
2. What do I do if my FW's sex drive is lower than mine, the last thing I want to do is make her feel guilty but I also don't want to feel guilty about desiring my wife.
3. I sifted about this site a little while before I joined and one thing I picked up on is that nothing can defile the marriagebed, is that right? Where I'm coming from is that as traumatic as being raped was and the confusion that came from the good sensations combined with the bad act, I enjoyed it. My FW and I haven't gone much further than extended make-out sessions & cuddling but I have a desire to try anal sex & ravish(SURPRISE SEX!) her. I don't think this is wrong but I am pretty cautious in telling her out of fear that she'll think I just want to use her.
4. What can the veterans of TMB, men & women, tell a young upstart like me who wants to rock my ladies world? The bible says, "The wise man seeks counsel".
5. *Ladies only* What did your FH do leading up to your marriage that made you feel safe in your skin, fully loved and accepted and gave you the confidence you really felt you needed for your wedding day/night?

That's all for now, have a great night!

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Re: Truth & Lies

Postby SeekingChange » Mon Mar 27, 2017 11:11 am

Welcome! Glad you are here. Check out the first couple of threads here...Marriage Bed Vows, and Groundrules. Is that what you are looking for? If not, maybe we can throw out some more ideas or point you to more threads.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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CleverCl0vr
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Re: Truth & Lies

Postby CleverCl0vr » Mon Mar 27, 2017 12:46 pm

Thanks @seekingchange I'll give it a look!

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Re: Truth & Lies

Postby poetess » Wed Mar 29, 2017 8:57 am

Welcome. I've been sort of hoping a man or two would come along, as I think a wise man might have good input into some of this. But I'll say a couple of things.

First, generally I think a long engagement is a mistake--it opens the door to temptation. Our bodies weren't made for a year of more of "making out" before getting to consummation. Wait until you're actually ready to marry, and then keep the engagement short, and limit the physical affection to what you can handle between now and the wedding day without temptation to go farther. Making out, or talking about sex with your beloved, a year from marriage is giving you both a heavy burden. That could mean moving the wedding day forward . . . but that assumes you're ready for marriage.

I'm concerned about your telling us you desire anal sex and some version of forceful sex (a rape fantasy? I'm not completely sure what you mean by "surprise sex"). With your background, if these are anything near prominent in your thoughts of the marriage bed, I'd say back off and rethink the idea of whether you're ready for marriage. Anal sex is likely to be a really bad idea for you, and many (most?) women aren't interested. (That isn't something we really get into on this section of the board. But don't assume she will want it or be willing to be talked into it--and know that with your background this is likely to be a dangerous route to travel. It would be a red flag to me, if I were engaged to be married with someone with your background.)

As to what men did to be safe: I can answer this one confidently. My husband was completely respectful and never once pushed for anything I wasn't comfortable with. We set extremely high standards (we were never alone together behind closed doors, we saved a kiss on the lips for engagement and a passionate kiss for the wedding day, etc.) and we kept them. He would have been OK with kissing me on the lips before we were officially engaged, but he honored my request to wait. He never made inappropriate requests, and his hands never strayed to inappropriate places. When I told him that kissing sitting down was a bit "much" for me, he was fine with backing off on that. Twice I stepped away briefly (putting more space between us in a hug) because my motor was revving more than seemed good, and I asked him not to touch me on a non-sexual place that didn't seem a problem for him but was too intimate for me before we were married. But I never had to push his hand away or anything of that sort--we weren't, in other words, setting bad habits for marriage in which he would touch and I would withdraw. I learned to trust his touch, to know there was no danger in it, and after marriage when he could touch me fully I hadn't gotten into the habit of flinching or pushing him away.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

CleverCl0vr
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Re: Truth & Lies

Postby CleverCl0vr » Wed Mar 29, 2017 9:47 am

I completely agree about a long engagement but it's the situation we've found ourselves in as our schedules are so convoluted & she lives in another state, etc. She's finishing school & then moving here (not in with me) early December.

I guess I'm a bit taken back, discussing with mentors & friends this same issue they did say that anal sex was tried but it generally isn't consistent, they also said when I asked if taking, ravishing (pretty much sex that the other isn't aware is about to happen), their wives was something both parties enjoyed & desired from time to time. I can't ever see myself forcing myself on my wife, being raped obliterated my forceful nature and in my early relationships (heterosexual), the biggest issue they brought up was how timid I was with physical intimacy. It took many years to become comfortable with my desires and finding out what was right and wrong.

I applaud both you and your DH ability to restrain yourselves so well. I've personally always been the more controlling one in each relationship to include this one with the girl generally wishing for more. I just guess my experiences have been vastly different than you & your DH's. I would love to hear more from you & hope you understand my confusion as I'm still sorting through things and trying to find a bit of a "true north". It's just that I'm incredibly curious and part of my nature is to seek to understand what I don't understand & then physically go out and explore it & I'm almost certain that will happen in my marriage, I just want my wife to be loved & for me not to be thought of as some sick creature because of my curiosity or past. There was already enough of that growing up for being a man who was raped! I'm just trying to create a safe environment for both of us to be honest about our desires without dishing out guilt/shame & how best to create that environment.

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Re: Truth & Lies

Postby SeekingChange » Wed Mar 29, 2017 10:17 am

Your desires seem very typical to me, no matter your background. My husband has had no abuse or same sex attraction or experience, and he enjoys anal sex and anal play. I think some of the concern is, because of your history with "homosexual relationships", it might make it more confusing and questionable to a wife in the future. She could wonder, especially if you are in a rocky patch, whether you are struggling again with wanting a homosexual relationship, if you are using her to fulfill that desire while you imagine her to be a man. We see wives or hear about them here, who question every act or desire outside of the missionary position and want to attribute it all towards their husband's exposure to porn. Just like their thoughts are out of ignorance and a lack of understanding, that could happen with you and your situation.

It will be crucial that you and your future wife learn and practice good communication. Set up a foundation of honesty and generouýsity, allowing questions to be asked, no matter how hard, and answers to be given, no matter how hard. Go in it with a "this is our issue, and we will deal with it together, no matter what" kind of attitude. Have a plan set up on how to deal with things...such as, if we can't come to an answer together, we will go to a mentor (individual or couple) and seek help, if that's not enough we will seek help from a pastor or counselor, etc, etc. Give a time frame as well.

Be in the Word and prayer together. Begin now and continue always. This will keep your marriage strong and Christ is what will get you through every trial, tribulation and temptation. You will have a freedom in your marriage that you never have had, but just as Paul warned the Galatians, don't let your freedom be turned into an opportunity of the flesh (Gal. 5:13).
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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Re: Truth & Lies

Postby poetess » Wed Mar 29, 2017 10:53 am

CC,

My concern was that you lumped it all together in point 3, that you had sexual pleasure even though it was an undesired experience. That's what made me ask if yours was a "rape fantasy."

Yes, having one's spouse come hot and raring to go can occasionally be a fun change of pace. Not as a regular thing (women do take a bit of time to get warmed up, and that fact is likely to mean that a "quickie" won't be intercourse . . . so for me personally I prefer this to happen only if we have very recently had intercourse or will very soon afterward, otherwise I feel cheated as though we had some sort of sexual play for him and I didn't really get anything). But this isn't honeymoon-level sex. This is once you know your own body's and each other's. Your initial focus needs to be more on learning the basics and doing them well.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

CleverCl0vr
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Re: Truth & Lies

Postby CleverCl0vr » Wed Mar 29, 2017 11:23 am

SeekingChange wrote:Your desires seem very typical to me, no matter your background. My husband has had no abuse or same sex attraction or experience, and he enjoys anal sex and anal play. I think some of the concern is, because of your history with "homosexual relationships", it might make it more confusing and questionable to a wife in the future. She could wonder, especially if you are in a rocky patch, whether you are struggling again with wanting a homosexual relationship, if you are using her to fulfill that desire while you imagine her to be a man.


poetess wrote:CC,

My concern was that you lumped it all together in point 3, that you had sexual pleasure even though it was an undesired experience. That's what made me ask if yours was a "rape fantasy."

Yes, having one's spouse come hot and raring to go can occasionally be a fun change of pace. Not as a regular thing (women do take a bit of time to get warmed up, and that fact is likely to mean that a "quickie" won't be intercourse . . . so for me personally I prefer this to happen only if we have very recently had intercourse or will very soon afterward, otherwise I feel cheated as though we had some sort of sexual play for him and I didn't really get anything). But this isn't honeymoon-level sex. This is once you know your own body's and each other's. Your initial focus needs to be more on learning the basics and doing them well.


I love where both of your hearts are at & it's things like these that help me understand my communication skills need improving (That's a whole other story & I would greatly appreciate any help/advice/books either of you could give).

Thank you for letting me know that my desires seem typical, the enemy has a way of trying to convince me I'm some wild creature and that my wife won't desire me. To clarify: I was raped, yes, but I did not nor have I ever given anal sex. My desire comes from it being done on me & it was enjoyable, my thought process was that if it were in a safe environment & there were an understanding that it came from my desire to try something new to please her then I could replace the memory of it with one of love, trust, & intimacy.

It really isn't a rape fantasy, I hope this makes sense, but it comes from more of a desire that I find her so captivating & beautiful that I can't help myself & that I need to have all of her. I'd likely be teasing her the whole day & doing some amount of foreplay to get her "warmed up" but there are days even now that for whatever reason the longing is there but I'm not married, she isn't my wife & I control myself, but in marriage I'd like to think she'd appreciate that longing - especially if "taking her" was more focused on bringing her pleasure, which would satisfy my desire & I could go "last" since I already got what I wanted by her letting me ravish her

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SeekingChange
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Re: Truth & Lies

Postby SeekingChange » Wed Mar 29, 2017 11:39 am

There are wives who enjoy AS. This was something that was a part of our early sexual relationship, then it was a "no go" for years, and then it came back once our marriage improved. It was not something I ever gave much thought to, and I am sure if I would have thought it through, my initial reaction would have been "No way!" Anyway, my husband led us in it and it "just happened" without much communication. (I am not saying that's the best way to handle this.) It was a very pleasant first experience, and that kept me open to future encounters.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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Re: Truth & Lies

Postby Romantic Husband » Wed Mar 29, 2017 12:50 pm

CC, I don't see anything sinful about your desires within the boundaries of marriage, and it's pretty typical, though not universal, for us guys to have a higher drive than our wives. Sometimes much higher. You can start addressing how to handle this when you begin counseling.

I think you can find peace in not over thinking things. I think you want things to be perfect; I know that they won't be. Baby steps first, and get to know each other as one flesh, then you can move on to other things on the menu as you learn more about what works for your spouse. Enjoy the experience of teaching each other how to be great lovers. It's a life-long journey.
Matthew 19:26 - With God all things are possible.
Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

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Re: Truth & Lies

Postby Paul B » Wed Mar 29, 2017 1:09 pm

CC, First and foremost take it slow. Your sexuality is busting at the seams while hers is going to be far less engaged. If you push too hard she will naturally push back, and that's not something you want. Give her time and space to grow into her sexuality. That might happen quickly or take some time, but either way, it's worth letting her find her own pace. Start with simple, basic sex and learn how to make that great for her. You have an entire lifetime to explore other aspects of sexuality.

As to taking her, we just finished a survey on that - How do you feel about “ravished” sex?. The short version is about half of women are all for it, and many others are open to trying it. But some are violently opposed and others say they have to be in the right head space. I'd suggest a discussion with her, after you are married, about this. Then take it from there.

Most women who try anal don't like it, but some do. Please know going in she is likely to not want to try it and if she does try it the odds are she won't like it. Be realistic about this and don't build it up in your mind. You need to be okay with this never being a part of your sex life before you ever put it on the table.
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Re: Truth & Lies

Postby wolfsphoenix » Thu Mar 30, 2017 7:03 am

For conversation about sex, once you guys are either married, or within a month of being married (not sure the best timing, during an engagement, to discuss things w/o leading to extra temptation), a good idea or starting point would be to get 2 copies of the same book (Sheet Music is a good one) and each of you read through it. Maybe read at the same pace, then get together and discuss the chapter you read, anything that stood out to you, etc. It can be a non-intimidating way to sort of broach the subject with each other.

Also, if your pastor will do any pre-marital counseling with you, ask if he includes the topic of sex, expectations about sex, etc. Ours did, among many other things, and it was really good to discuss it all.


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