Question for the women about approach to orgasm

Can't orgasm, pain during intercourse, etc.
Olorin
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Question for the women about approach to orgasm

Postby Olorin » Sat Aug 19, 2017 3:59 am

I won't repeat the entire description of the issue that brought me to the Marriage Bed, but the quick summary is my wife has had orgasm problems during most of our marriage. We stumbled around trying to solve it for many years with little success, but in the last few years we began to take a more systematic approach to helping her enjoy sex more by increasing the time spent touching, massaging, her etc. So, typically I use a Magic Wand type vibrator to give her a nice back massage (with coconut oil), while she uses another on to stimulate her clitoris. The times that she reports being most aroused, she experiences a feeling that prevents her from being able to further stimulate herself. She stops moving (stops 'grinding' on the vibrator) and then her pleasure seems to have plateaued. We are not sure if this is an orgasm, or if she was getting close but stopped just short. I hope I have explained this clearly. I was wondering if this is indeed a 'small' O, or if this is the lead up to an O? Thanks again for this great site. I wish something like this was around at the beginning of my marriage.

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Re: RE: Question for the women about approach to orgasm

Postby love2 » Sat Aug 19, 2017 2:04 pm

I would guess that she is stopping just sort of an O. However, if she is doing direct clitoral stimulation for 45 minutes using a wand then that is a very high level of stimulation for a long period of time. Personally, with that high of intensity for that length of time I go numb and lose sensation.

Some ideas might be PIV while she uses the wand, nipple stimulation + wand, anal stimulation + wand...you would want to increase her level of arousal to shorten the amount to time it takes for her to O because 45 minutes with a wand is likely making her numb. If she wants a toy during the back massage I'd suggest a lower powered toy like the je joue mimi vibrator on the lowest setting so she won't go numb. Then you could use a wand for 'finishing' to actually bring her to orgasm.

Also, it might help if she reads about what it feels like for other women to have an orgasm - it's kind of an out of control feeling and it can be slightly uncomfortable leading up to the orgasm; for instance, muscles tighten, occasionally tissues get slightly sore due to blood engorgement...it could easily become 'too intense' but orgasm is around the corner.

Hopefully something I've said helps

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Re: Question for the women about approach to orgasm

Postby seeking perspective » Sat Aug 19, 2017 3:38 pm

Olorin wrote:IThe times that she reports being most aroused, she experiences a feeling that prevents her from being able to further stimulate herself. She stops moving (stops 'grinding' on the vibrator) and then her pleasure seems to have plateaued. We are not sure if this is an orgasm, or if she was getting close but stopped just short. I hope I have explained this clearly. I was wondering if this is indeed a 'small' O, or if this is the lead up to an O? Thanks again for this great site. I wish something like this was around at the beginning of my marriage.


This sounds like what I used to experience before I realized I was having orgasms. I had always expected some big explosion of sexual fireworks, and I never felt anything like that. Sometimes, though, I would get really aroused. I'd find myself wondering, Will this be the time it finally happens? Just when I thought something big was about to happen, I would suddenly realize that the clitoris was too sensitive to keep touching and I would feel like the urgency had disappeared.

When we'd been married about 18 months, I found that I was experiencing these times of extreme arousal more and more--and I would end up all the more frustrating because the big fireworks were not happening. I resigned myself to never experiencing an orgasm, but I decided that I would at least try to fully experience the sexual sensations I did have. So when I would feel that big arousal and build-up, I decided to really pay attention to what was going on with my body. I remember thinking, Will this be it? Oh, wait, I decided to stop thinking about that and just pay attention to what my body is doing. Let's see, I feel my leg muscles quivering a bit. That's weird. And my abdomen is really tense. Hmmm. My vagina is doing something weird, like it's having spasms or something. Hey, wait, isn't that what an orgasm is like? Am I actually having one? Ahhh......

As odd as it sounds, my body had been having orgasms but I just didn't recognize them as orgasms. I don't know why. Was it because they weren't what I expected? Did I just have a strange disconnect between my body and my mind? I've been married 26 years now, and orgasm has never been easy for me. And sometimes I still know I am having one only because I recognize the signs, not because it feels particularly good. When that happens, I still try to focus on the unique sexual sensations that I am experiencing and try to enjoy them even though they aren't fireworks or a huge release for me.

I would suggest that you continue doing what you're doing. It sounds to me like perhaps your wife is having orgasms. You might try some different positions for her, such as her reclining or lying on her back (while you massage her legs from the front or stroke her breasts in a way that she likes. The blood flow, gravity, and pressure against genitals differs from one position to the next, and she may find that she has different sensations if she is in different positions.
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Re: Question for the women about approach to orgasm

Postby love2 » Sat Aug 19, 2017 9:09 pm

SP brings up a good point - I'd say if she is having involuntary muscle contractions inside her vagina she is orgasming. You could check this by inserting your finger inside her vagina and seeing if there are rythmic involuntary contractions. You'd have to ask her if she is contracting voluntarily or involuntarily.

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Re: Question for the women about approach to orgasm

Postby Olorin » Sun Aug 20, 2017 3:36 am

Thanks for the suggestions. Regarding the strength of the stimulation, I am also surprised that she can tolerate the wand for that long. In fact, we have been trying a lower power wand, but it is still a wand and hence pretty potent; I will take a look at the je joue mimi.

Seeking perspective, thanks for sharing your experience. This is more or less exactly our experience, and we have also been married for 26 years! We have begun to experiment with some positions where she is lying on her back, though she prefers to start on her stomach because she really loves the back massage. What we have been doing is once she is feeling 'excited', she flips and continues to use the vibrator on her clitoris while I caress/kiss her breasts, neck, etc.

Love 2, thanks for the suggestion to 'feel' if she is contracting. Also, you have reminded me of a question I forgot to ask in my original post. I can't seem to see her clitoris, at least I don't see the kinds of 'shapes' I have seen in diagrams. Specifically, I can easily locate the clitoral hood, but not the clitoris. To be more clear, I don't see a nice 'button' shaped object protruding from below the clitoral hood. Is it possible her clitoris is more deeply recessed than is 'usual'? My thought being that if I can find the clitoris, then I can be more effective at both stimulating it and avoiding it when she reports being too sensitive. My other thought is that perhaps by the time I have started looking for it she has stopped being aroused.

Again, thanks to all of you for responding. You have given me hope that we are on the right and also provided me with some good suggestions. God bless!

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Re: Question for the women about approach to orgasm

Postby love2 » Sun Aug 20, 2017 5:53 am

It is completely normal for the clitoris to retract underneath the clitoral hood when it is blood engorged and she is fully aroused. For some women if you gently push down the clitoral hood and provide direct stimulation to the clitoris this feels wonderful. For other women, direct stimulation even when fully aroused is too intense so you'd have to experiment to see what camp wife is in. Occasionally I'll push back the hood to find the 'spot' but most of the time I find vibrators will push vibration deep into the tissues so I don't have to worry about if my clitoris is exposed or not.

I have experience with the wand and it was not pleasant - keep in mind MANY women love their wands so I might be the minority here. For me, because the stimulation was so intense when I orgasmed it was almost violent which sounds fun but it was really jarring like scary and uncomfortable. So there are two toys that I use successfully and regularly that provide much different stimulation than a wand. The je joue mimi (i mentioned) there are 5 patterns and 5 speeds. I use the pattern that is constant and doesn't change and I would start at a 3. Once I get closer to O I would bump to a 5 - this avoids numbness, desenitization and pain all of which I have had problems with. Also, I might hold the toy a little loosely in the beginning and push it a little bit more into my skin as I get closer.

The other toy is the womanizer - so this toy has a learning curve. It must be put directly on the clitoris so you have to find the clitoris - also it needs to form a seal on the clitoris and you cannot move a lot with the toy otherwise you break the seal and the stimulation then becomes weak/non existent. Anyway - it works well if you are prepared to deal with the learning curve. It was probably about 5 times before I was able to work it out and it took me a few times also to figure out how to use it pain-free.

I'd say now if the je joue mimi isn't working I switch to the womanizer or if I want to have a quick orgasm the womanizer. If I want to have a better feeling orgasm the je joue (the je joue provides stimulation of a larger area so more tissues get blood engorged so I suspect that's why the je joue feels better than the womanizer).
Last edited by love2 on Sun Aug 20, 2017 5:53 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Question for the women about approach to orgasm

Postby seeking perspective » Sun Aug 20, 2017 8:34 am

Olorin wrote: if I can find the clitoris, then I can be more effective at both stimulating it and avoiding it when she reports being too sensitive.

Even when your wife is too sensitive for direct stimulation of the clitoris, she may appreciate indirect stimulation. Fortunately, there is a a lot material to work with. You can see a model of the inner clitoris here. The bulbs of the clitoris become engorged and press against the vaginal walls from the inside. You may find that inserting a finger or two to press or gently stroke against the walls of the vagina will be helpful. Also, massaging the pubic area and inner thighs can promote blood flow to the region.
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Re: Question for the women about approach to orgasm

Postby ledgemoor » Sun Aug 20, 2017 11:41 am

Hi Olorin:

Good advice from all. There are levels of orgasm, more so for women than men. But based on our experience, it sounds like she isn't quite making it over the edge.

Some women, like my wife, may need direct clitoral stimulation (not through the clitoral hood).

It could be that the vibrator isn't providing the right kind of stimulation. I know from riding motorcycles and bicycles, vibration gets to be numbing after a while. The Womanizer that Love2 mentions is great so I have heard. It isn't actually a vibrator, but repeatedly sucks on the clitoris. But check out the Satisfyer Pro 2. It works the same way, is a lot cheaper, and has gotten good reviews from users here on TMB. Search for it.

However, a vibrator or Satisfyer/Womanizer suction device isn't touching the clitoris proper -- just the hood. That is enough for most women most of the time, including my wife. But, direct stimulation seems to work a lot better once a woman gets used to it.

So try to unbury the clitoris and give it a go. Place fingers on either side of the hood and pull up towards her belly button, it can be seen. It is easier to find when a woman is aroused. When stimulating it directly, place your index finger on top, push down a little and slide it up towards her belly button to pull the hood back, and rub the opening of the hood. Also, as an aid to help you visualize what's in there, feel around the hood. You can feel the clitoris under the skin.

BTW, you need LOTS of lube when touching her clitoris proper. Use an artificial lube or coconut oil, or give her lots of foreplay to get her natural lube flowing. G-spot stimulation will help that. (Something else she will have to learn to like if you haven't been going there). Stay hydrated. If she has to stop and urinate, fine.

Another thing that helps with women who have trouble getting over the edge: Oxytocin. There are nasal sprays available but you need a prescription. Sucking a woman's nipples will release oxytocin as well.

When she has a real orgasm, you will both know it. It is not subtle at all. Her whole body reacts. As Love2 says, you can feel contractions if you stick your finger in there. It is not a gentle squeezing.

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Re: Question for the women about approach to orgasm

Postby seeking perspective » Sun Aug 20, 2017 11:50 am

ledgemoor wrote:When she has a real orgasm, you will both know it. It is not subtle at all. Her whole body reacts.


I disagree--especially since there are, as you say, levels of orgasm for many of us.
You turned my wailing into dancing . . .
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Re: Question for the women about approach to orgasm

Postby ledgemoor » Sun Aug 20, 2017 12:34 pm

You're right. just hoping :-).
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)

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Re: Question for the women about approach to orgasm

Postby love2 » Sun Aug 20, 2017 12:43 pm

Another possibility is that something is off with wife's hormones which is making orgasm difficult/impossible. It might be worth it to get a medical evaluation and a complete blood panel on her hormones

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Re: Question for the women about approach to orgasm

Postby Olorin » Mon Aug 21, 2017 2:49 am

Thanks to all who have posted. My wife and I really appreciate it, and now have some new things to think about and try.


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