rubbed raw

Painfull intercourse, pain with sexual activity, and pain that prevents sex or makes sex difficult.
love2
King bed
Posts: 437
Joined: Thu Sep 22, 2016 7:33 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): December 16th, 2006
Gender: Female

Re: rubbed raw

Postby love2 » Mon Jan 15, 2018 1:42 pm

Vaginal exams are fairly basic. So, the doctor inserts a spectulum and opens it and checks to see the cervix and sort it f visually inspects the outsides. They are looking for something that is very obviously wrong. In other words, they would not look for a small sore spot in the inside of the vagina without your wife mentioning it and explaining it in detail.

Sent from my Pixel using Tapatalk

panwan
Twin size
Posts: 13
Joined: Mon Nov 21, 2016 7:20 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): October 1st, 2002
Gender: Male

Re: rubbed raw

Postby panwan » Mon Jan 15, 2018 2:50 pm

love2 wrote:She shouldn't still be sore 1 year later unless she tore significantly. Even then, you would want to go to a doctor and explain that there is still a sore spot.


I will ask if she is willing to see a doctor who specializes more in these issues. Is there a technical name for this specialty that we should use when searching for such a doctor? The only efforts made outside the effort I am currently making through this thread were that she has talked a little with the OBGYN and also a family doctor who does not specialize in this topic. Both did not help.

love2 wrote:Unfortunately, when penetration hurts and sex continues it can cause psychological tramua to the wife because painful sex is mentally upsetting. Would she be open to seeing another doctor and doing [oral sex] or hand jobs until the vaginal pain is resolved?


There is definitely a mental association of sex with pain that has developed over the entire duration of our marriage. I don't think it is fair for me to label it as "psychological trama" at this point in my limit understanding of how severe this issue is for her. I mentioned some comments she made about oral sex when I raised the idea me providing it to her in a prior post in this thread. I did not ask to receive it, but she let me know then that she will not provide it for the same reasons she will not receive it. She will provide a hand job, but she doesn't like doing it.

love2
King bed
Posts: 437
Joined: Thu Sep 22, 2016 7:33 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): December 16th, 2006
Gender: Female

Re: rubbed raw

Postby love2 » Mon Jan 15, 2018 5:15 pm

Is sh still breastfeeding? When did she wean?

Breastfeeding can cause pain and vaginal dryness.

Sent from my Pixel using Tapatalk

User avatar
teebone
Newbie
Posts: 8
Joined: Tue Jun 16, 2009 10:24 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): April 10th, 1990
Gender: Male

Re: rubbed raw

Postby teebone » Mon Jan 15, 2018 7:22 pm

Is it possible that she may also be sensitive or even mildly allergic to coconut oil? Try a silicone based lubricant for a bit as it may last longer.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

User avatar
new wife
King bed
Posts: 439
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2015 7:32 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): January 14th, 2004
Gender: Female

Re: rubbed raw

Postby new wife » Mon Jan 15, 2018 8:28 pm

We use SliquidH2O but do find that we need to reapply every 5 to 15 minutes depending on activity level even though I think I produce pretty much natural lubrication. Not really sure what PT has to do with this but Kegeks are a part of my daily routine. Just another data point.

panwan
Twin size
Posts: 13
Joined: Mon Nov 21, 2016 7:20 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): October 1st, 2002
Gender: Male

Re: rubbed raw

Postby panwan » Tue Jan 16, 2018 6:29 am

Teebone,

She uses coconut oil regularly for other things and has no problems from it so I do not think she is allergic to it. Will a silicon based product provide better lubrication than coconut oil? I don't think we have ever tried anything silicon based.

Love2,

The last breastfeeding was five months ago. I expect that should not be causing any problems at this point. The "rubbed raw" type of pain has existed over the whole 15 years of our marriage.

love2
King bed
Posts: 437
Joined: Thu Sep 22, 2016 7:33 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): December 16th, 2006
Gender: Female

Re: rubbed raw

Postby love2 » Tue Jan 16, 2018 10:57 am

There are really only 2 options, 1. There is something physiologically or anatomically wrong with wife to make sex painful. Some the pain is worse post child birth this is possible and I think you are going to work on seeing a specialist.

2. Wife thinks sex is dirty, icky, gross sinful and cannot relax. Counseling or Bible studies that are pro-married sex might help. I've been doing Intimacy Ignighted about Song of Songs and I think it's good. There are lots of books to encourage Christian wives sexually.

Does your wife have orgasms? If she doesn't desire her own pleasure at all she likely has a negative view towards sex which might be affecting her ability to be a receptive sex partner.

Sent from my Pixel using Tapatalk

panwan
Twin size
Posts: 13
Joined: Mon Nov 21, 2016 7:20 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): October 1st, 2002
Gender: Male

Re: rubbed raw

Postby panwan » Tue Jan 16, 2018 11:35 am

Love2,

I think that both #1 and #2 apply here. I was hoping to find someone else who had experience with the same kind of physical problem, however, it seems her situation is unique enough that others here have not experienced it. She has a strong view that sex is dirty, icky and gross. She has said to me before that she knows sex in marriage is not sin, but has affirmed that it feels like a sin. If you have some particular recommendations about other studies or books for #2 I would be very glad to know about them. If issue #1 cannot be fixed, I'm afraid trying to resolve #2 isn't going to help much.

My wife has never had an orgasm. She receives no pleasurable feelings from sex. This is why I suggested that I give her oral sex recently - but she rejected that offer. She associates sex with pain and has no desire for it at all.

love2
King bed
Posts: 437
Joined: Thu Sep 22, 2016 7:33 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): December 16th, 2006
Gender: Female

Re: rubbed raw

Postby love2 » Tue Jan 16, 2018 12:05 pm

Sex toys specifically vibrators for her clitoris are out of the question then too?

Sent from my Pixel using Tapatalk

panwan
Twin size
Posts: 13
Joined: Mon Nov 21, 2016 7:20 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): October 1st, 2002
Gender: Male

Re: rubbed raw

Postby panwan » Tue Jan 16, 2018 1:10 pm

Probably, I've been afraid to ask.

hisadored
Double
Posts: 63
Joined: Sat Jan 16, 2010 9:12 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): June 10th, 1977
Gender: Female

Re: rubbed raw

Postby hisadored » Fri Jan 26, 2018 4:38 pm

I would strongly suggest seeing a gynecologist as opposed to an obstetrician-gynecologist. The lining of her vagina may be thinned and fragile due to low estrogen. (Breast feeding and some birth control pills can cause higher levels of progesterone which is an anti-estrogen.). I just went to a seminar on the MonaLisa Touch. You might want to visit www.smilemonalisa.com. Interesting!

User avatar
George B.
On the floor
Posts: 1692
Joined: Fri Jan 14, 2005 2:12 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): July 20th, 1996
Gender: Male
Location: Further up and further in

Re: rubbed raw

Postby George B. » Sat Jan 27, 2018 7:36 am

There could be a physical component to this. The past sports injury, her age, which could possible point to a hormonal issue. Also, if your glans is unusually large in size and or circumference, that may be a contributor, too. Early in our marriage and even now sometimes, my wife will experience pain and a feeling of being rubbed raw. Having babies vaginally helped a ton for us and since then, proper arousal and foreplay plus lots of lube does the trick. Even so, sometimes we still have issues if I'm not careful. We definitely can't go an hour, though we both have the stamina for it. That would really injure her physically, I think. The most she can take is about 15-20 minutes. However, that's more than enough for both of us to have the orgasms we want.

All that is to say, given the other things you've said about her finding sex icky, never having an orgasm, not interested in oral, etc, makes me think there's a strong psychological/emotional/spiritual component here, too. Do you know if she was sexually abused or assaulted in her past? If she's willing, it might be good for you guys to see a Christian marriage and sex counselor to help sort through all this.
On sex: "Neither men nor women will be asked to throw away the weapon they have used victoriously. It is the beaten and the fugitives who throw away their swords. The conquerors sheathe theirs and retain them."-C.S. Lewis

panwan
Twin size
Posts: 13
Joined: Mon Nov 21, 2016 7:20 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): October 1st, 2002
Gender: Male

Re: rubbed raw

Postby panwan » Wed Jan 31, 2018 5:17 am

Love2,

I asked DW if she would be willing to make use a vibrator in foreplay. She asked me if it was something that "goes inside". I told her my intention was not to use it that way but rather to apply it to the clitoris. She has strong moral concerns about using a vibrator, and said that she needed time to think about whether using it is a sin.

As I mentioned earlier on the forum I had suggested oral sex for the first time in our marriage several months ago. At that time I mentioned that some believe the Song of Solomon references oral sex. A few days ago she informed me that she read through the whole book and that it was not there. I was informed of this in a declarative way, that was not open to questioning of either the approach for studying the book or the conclusion she has arrived at. Clearly, there is an emotional disgust issue that prevails over a willingness to examine the arguments made in favor of that view of SoS.

I have also learned from her that my lack of firm lip tension while kissing is a huge "turn off". Since we always kiss during foreplay, and I have been doing it wrong for 15 years, there is now another known factor which contributes to the sexual difficulties. I've asked her to instruct me on how to do it right. It is hard not to fall back into old habits - but I'm working on this one.

Now the important part: During the two or three days that I engaged in the preceding discussion on this forum (Jan 14-Jan 16). I had asked her a number of questions about the sexual difficulties to support the conversation on this forum. She complained that I was only asking questions about sex and this made her feel that I didn't love her, but rather only her body, and that she was feeling "not safe" around me. The last comment is very disturbing. I have never been abusive towards her in any way. Her statements reveal that she is lacking confidence that I love her. This could be the root cause of the sexual troubles I have described here, but whether it is or not, this is something very important that needs to be fixed. The mandate to husbands in Ephesians 5:25 is where I need to, and will be, making improvements.

hisadored,

The link is interesting and I will consider suggesting it, but not until after I can rule out that my wife's not feeling loved, among other issues I wrote of above, can be ruled out as the root cause.

George B.

I agree that there's a strong psychological/emotional/spiritual component here. She says that she has never been abused or assaulted in the past. I am not yet at the point that I feel it is necessary to utilize a counselor, but that opinion may change if progress cannot be made without one.

User avatar
George B.
On the floor
Posts: 1692
Joined: Fri Jan 14, 2005 2:12 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): July 20th, 1996
Gender: Male
Location: Further up and further in

Re: rubbed raw

Postby George B. » Wed Jan 31, 2018 5:26 am

panwan wrote:
George B.

I agree that there's a strong psychological/emotional/spiritual component here. She says that she has never been abused or assaulted in the past. I am not yet at the point that I feel it is necessary to utilize a counselor, but that opinion may change if progress cannot be made without one.


I understand. I think you're already making some progress by addressing this with her. Let us know how else we can assist
On sex: "Neither men nor women will be asked to throw away the weapon they have used victoriously. It is the beaten and the fugitives who throw away their swords. The conquerors sheathe theirs and retain them."-C.S. Lewis

User avatar
MayDayGirl
Fell out of ...
Posts: 1282
Joined: Thu Aug 24, 2006 4:54 pm
Location: The Burbs

Re: rubbed raw

Postby MayDayGirl » Wed Jan 31, 2018 5:46 am

It is NORMAL for a married couple to talk about sex. For her to say that she feels "unsafe" because of this is ridiculous. She's internalizing this word because it's a popular catchphrase right now in the media. While we are only hearing your side, I don't believe for a minute that she thinks you don't love her.

From your examples, it seems that no matter what ideas you bring up to improve your marriage bed, she will try to shut them down by saying it's sin, not in the Bible, or putting the blame on you. It's going to take counseling or a big change of heart on her part to initiate any change.


Return to “Pain during or preventing sex”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users