What should we share about our history?

[ThatGirl]

What's necessary to share about your history for a good marriage? We're both virgins but not entirely innocent. (I've never done any of the big things like intercourse, oral sex, etc.) I guess what I want to know is:
1. Is sexual partner count something that should be discussed? Mine is really low, so I don't mind sharing...but I'm still not sure if that's a conversation we should get into or not.
2. If someone you fooled around with in the past is still around you on a regular basis (like someone from the past recently turned into a new coworker), should that be a secret?
3. If at one point in your past when you were single and really backslidden at the time, you got too close to a married person and it went places it definitely shouldn't have (saying you love each other, kissing, fooling around a couple of times), should that be known?

Where is the line between too much information and being too secretive?

[love2]

I feel like everything needs to be known and out in the open. Some people say you should withhold some of the graphic details like the size of the old lovers penis, favorite sexual position of old lover, etc. That might be wise but I do definitely think that everything should be known.

If you don't trust your future spouse to confide in him and him confide in you then this could be a red flag, in my opinion.

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[SquarePants]

Not everyone agrees on this topic. Regarding things like the number of previous partners, I have heard that ANY number is the wrong number. Any mismatch may create hard feelings that the other may dwell upon. I tend to agree with this philosophy. What’s important is what is between the married couple. He or she didn’t marry those other people. Once the married relationship builds its own experiences, those previous incidents have no meaning.

[Job29Man]

Thatgirl,

Be careful how you step here. I would have a conversation asking him what he truly wants, but cautioning him to only ask for what is truly important to him. Personally I think there is wisdom in not asking probing questions about the past. As for me I truthfully answered any questions put to me, but I asked almost none because I know I am a jealous man. I asked one question only, nothing more, ever. Now we've been married well over 30 years and raised 10 children. The experience of years has taught me that I made the right decision. Nothing would have been gained by me asking more in the past, or ever. I'm a happy man with a wonderful wife. We asked what we NEEDED to know only, and the rest we left under the blood of Jesus' forgiveness, and in His confidence, without another thought, forever.

We believe that this is wisdom.

Love,

Job29Man

[neilethere]

'There be dragons'. I agree with everyone so far.

Your bigger issue is how do you introduce things that you know you enjoy without it becoming about previous partners.

[Job29Man]

how do you introduce things that you know you enjoy without it becoming about previous partners.

You say, "I want to try this" and then you do, same as couples do when they start off as sexually inexperienced virgins.

[ThatGirl]

Your bigger issue is how do you introduce things that you know you enjoy without it becoming about previous partners.

That was never a concern to me, because I'm really not that experienced. My concern was actually more of the other way around, wondering if he would be able to tell exactly what I have and haven't done by my comfort level with him. When I do something I've never done before, I'm sure it will be obvious that I'm a little nervous and also don't know what I'm doing. So I'm afraid he will wonder, "Why is she so confident touching me?" when I'm sure I'll look obviously inexperienced at everything else I do. There's nothing I can do to change that though.

But the flip side is, I'll be obviously inexperienced at everything else I do, so he'll know he was a lot of my firsts.

[alaska bob]

I think you have to first ask yourself what purpose does the disclosure serve. In my view, I think a future spouse has a need and appropriate expectation to know the nature of previous experience but not the details. I think a ball park indication of number of partners is a good idea. It may cause difficulty down the road if a person found out the person they thought had no history or had made an isolated mistake had in fact been promiscuous. In your case, I don't think there is any need or value served by discussing how many guys you've kissed or touched/been touched by. I would also not worry that your husband is going to somehow be able to tell what you've done vs. haven't done before. Honestly, I think that's going to be the last thing on his mind.

Its probably just opinion, but I don't think the relationship with the married man is something you need to discuss unless you feel so much guilt about it that it is going to keep you from enjoying your marriage bed.

[ThatGirl]

Its probably just opinion, but I don't think the relationship with the married man is something you need to discuss unless you feel so much guilt about it that it is going to keep you from enjoying your marriage bed.

I guess I have a slight concern that if I basically hide it, there's a small possibility it could come back to bite me. I don't want to be 10 years into my marriage and have my husband suddenly find out that I was a married guy's mistress/other woman for two years in my past and never mentioned it.

But I'm also kind of afraid to mention it, because it obviously sounds bad. I'm still ashamed of it myself, because I never thought I was capable of doing something like that. What happened was, I had just moved to a new town where I didn't know anybody and didn't have any friends, when I suddenly had to deal with the completely unexpected sudden death of the parent I was living with. At that point, I backslid in my faith for the next three years. And I never imagined that the older married man who was there to be my only friend at the time, listen to everything I was going through, and help me around the house was going to turn into something more than a friend and end up being my biggest regret in life.

Honestly, I'm not so sure I can share that...but like I said I don't want it to come back to bite me later either.

[Job29Man]

I've been thinking about this some more. Fooling around with a married man ... Maybe that'd be wise to cover that, try to keep the details as general as possible, but don't withhold if asked.

In my case I answered all questions I was asked, and she answered all questions I asked. We both asked each other "what do you want to know about me and my past?" We gave each other the opportunity, and we didn't make the other person pull it out of us.

But, married man. Yeah, the more I think about it, the more it makes sense to cover.

I think I'd bring it up without being asked. "I fooled around with a married man. It was 7 years ago. We never had intercourse but did most everything else. The affair lasted 3 months, and done. I've never seen or contacted him again. He lives in Botswana now. I'd rather not go into more detail, but if it's important to you I will answer any question you have." (or whatever) What I wouldn't volunteer without being asked is "Yeah he was married and we did ABC kinds of sex acts, and here's how much I enjoyed it, and here was the setting, and this was the way he spoke to me, and ..."

[love2]

I think it's a joy to be really truly known by God and also by our spouses and to not be judged but to be loved.

Based on these responses I think of am in the minority in saying that I'd want my spouse to know everything and I'd want to know everything about him even past relationships.

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[poetess]

I had no "secrets" to hide or disclose, but I married a man who had been married before. I asked him only whether he had been a virgin when he married his first wife (he had), but not whether he had engaged in any sexual sin with her (or anyone else, for that matter). Also, with the idea that it's wiser not to ask questions that may put "images" in one's mind, I haven't asked him anything about sex with his first wife (e.g., what positions they used / enjoyed, rooms of the house, etc.). Of course, part of that is the idea that that was someone else's marriage bed, and even though he is my husband now, that is still private and I got her man eventually but I can still respect her enough to leave it private. If it had been sexual sin, I might have been more or less inclined to know more (how many people, how many years, how much regret), but I would not have wanted to know details like "What positions? with or without protection?"

I do think that a spouse has a right to know about children conceived outside of marriage . . . and I'm actually inclined to think that the "married man" one is likely an important disclosure (in the same camp as a homosexual relationship or a baby conceived out of wedlock or long-term porn use). It's one thing that the future spouse may prefer not to know details, but it's another thing entirely to have "secrets" that you keep. One is the danger it may come out later, but another is simply that one shouldn't keep deep, heavy secrets from one's spouse. (You also don't keep secret such violations as a rape or sexual abuse, or a criminal history, or unique family dysfunction, etc.)

[neilethere]

love2,

This came up on The Generous Husband some months ago. I wish I could find the link, maybe someone else can - there were others on here who commented over there as well. It had the highest number of comments I have seen over there - well over a hundred - and might have set a record. Paul - the author of the site was pushing the in depth confession - 'I really liked it when Mary Lou rolled her tongue when she did this' depth. The short version is probably 30% agreed with him - and I am guessing you from your comment - and 70% didn't and the views were very strongly held. If someone can find a link you might enjoy reading it.

Found it https://www.the-generous-husband.com/20 ... spaghetti/

[seeking perspective]

ThatGirl,

Before marriage, it is important to be honest about anything that might be a deal-breaker for someone. That's only fair to your future spouse. A relationship with a married man--even if it didn't include intercourse--is pretty significant and should definitely be mentioned.

But you know what? It's also good for you to be honest. If you know that you aren't fully known by your husband, you are depriving yourself of the opportunity to be fully loved. There will come a time when you find yourself wondering, Would he still love me if he knew this other thing about me?

You say that you are ashamed of the relationship. May I ask what you are doing to repent and release yourself from that shame?

I came to my husband with a past that gave me a great deal of shame, guilt, and regret. Before we married, I told my husband the big things--a range of how many people I'd been with, an overview of the types of relationships they'd been, and one big thing that I knew was a possible deal-breaker (it wasn't). Then I offered to answer specific questions that he had.

Even though I was honest with him, it wasn't until I truly accepted God's forgiveness of all those things--years later--that I felt free to fully enjoy sex in my marriage. I regret many things from my past, but the shame is all gone.

I encourage you to be honest, even though it is scary. And even more, I encourage you to seek and accept God's forgiveness so you can be naked and truly unashamed when you marry.

[SeekingChange]

I am with love2.... I think knowing everything is good, and that does not necessarily mean every single detail, but if asked, details should be given. I have recently said on here somewhere, my husband-to-be and I shared everything before marriage and there has never been any regret in our 24+ years together.

[tjw]

In my opinion:

1) No - this is a detail which is better left unknown, unless your fiance asks.

2) Yes - this is a situation which can surely come back to "bite" you. I have been in the situation where I "figured it out" by her ex-s attitude and
behavior when we met at a party. I felt hugely disrespected by my wife because she did not "prepare" me with the knowledge that she had a premarital relationship with him. She said that she had not thought about him in years, and had not "put two and two together" that he was a brother to the friends who hosted the party. I know my wife to be a very honorable christian woman and know she has not lied to me about this. So, there is no remaining issue between us on this subject now.

3) Yes - this can, if found out later by your husband, bring a huge resentment in his heart. If he learns it now, he isn't "stuck"

[ThatGirl]

But you know what? It's also good for you to be honest. If you know that you aren't fully known by your husband, you are depriving yourself of the opportunity to be fully loved. There will come a time when you find yourself wondering, Would he still love me if he knew this other thing about me?

You say that you are ashamed of the relationship. May I ask what you are doing to repent and release yourself from that shame?

You're right. I don't want to feel like I'm keeping a deep dark secret from my husband, which is probably what it would eventually end up feeling like if I never share. I have repented, and I believe God forgives me. I've just obviously never brought it into the open.

I think I'd bring it up without being asked. "I fooled around with a married man. It was 7 years ago. We never had intercourse but did most everything else. The affair lasted 3 months, and done. I've never seen or contacted him again. He lives in Botswana now. I'd rather not go into more detail, but if it's important to you I will answer any question you have." (or whatever) What I wouldn't volunteer without being asked is "Yeah he was married and we did ABC kinds of sex acts, and here's how much I enjoyed it, and here was the setting, and this was the way he spoke to me, and ..."

I would never share explicit details, but I also don't think he'd ask for them. So far, what he knows is that I've never had intercourse, oral sex, anal sex, etc. He knows I made some mistakes and fooled around before. He doesn't know the details or with how many people (it was only 2 guys). What he really doesn't know yet is that one of those guys was married. We basically had a 2-year affair, which I didn't even realize was an affair until after the fact (I guess I was deceiving myself). We were emotionally involved for two and a half years but called ourselves just friends the whole time. For the last two of those years, we sometimes "slipped up" and kissed, fooled around, or whatever. Then one of us would say it shouldn't have happened and go back to being "just friends" for a couple of months at a time until another "slip up". We were in love and told each other sometimes, but most of the time we were fooling ourselves that we were "friends". It eventually ended when he said he was going to divorce his wife for me. I said, "You can't do that. I can't be responsible for something like that. You need to fix your marriage. And I know how much you love your kids and that you won't be happy if you don't have them all the time. I just want you to be happy, and the only way you will be is if you fix your marriage." At that point I cut off all physical contact, and he cut off all emotional contact. Shortly afterwards, I read a good very Christian book that lead me back to God. At that point, I realized the depth of what we had done. I went to him and said, "I just figured out we had an affair and I was your mistress." He said, "I knew that the whole time." I told him how much the Christian book I read helped me, and since his life was such a mess at the time he said, "Maybe I should read that book." I let him borrow it. Afterwards, he started attending a church, got right with God, and started taking his family to church with him. I just wish I would have been that Christian witness the whole time, instead of being the other woman.

[tentsofpurple]

ThatGirl,

Before marriage, it is important to be honest about anything that might be a deal-breaker for someone. That's only fair to your future spouse. A relationship with a married man--even if it didn't include intercourse--is pretty significant and should definitely be mentioned.

But you know what? It's also good for you to be honest. If you know that you aren't fully known by your husband, you are depriving yourself of the opportunity to be fully loved. There will come a time when you find yourself wondering, Would he still love me if he knew this other thing about me?

I agree with this, not only is it very probable that it will come back to bite you but even if it doesn't you will still be thinking about it and wondering regardless. I'd also disclose the fact that one of your previous relationships/experiences was with a person who is now your co-worker. It provides transparency and accountability. I'm not saying anything will happen but if he were to find out later that you have regular contact with someone who you were intimate (on whatever level) with in the past and he didn't know it almost seems like you have a reason to hide it. Not saying that's the case but that's how it could appear.

[TJC]

IMO, this should have been discussed prior to marriage, however what's done is done. Personally, I knew my wife had several boyfriends and hookups prior to our relationship, although she was still technically a virgin.I never thought to ask how far those relationships
went, although since then I've wondered. At this point, if there is any chance it's possible for another "slip" as you call it, then it should be discussed. You're newly married, and there will be times in the future you may be tempted to look back. So I think bringing this up would be a way of burning your bridges to your past life. Just my two cents.

[poetess]

TJC, this is the "engaged" section and the wedding date listed is August.