At What Point To Leave

[Leah]

Leah, I know I probably need to do more. I go to counseling but my counselor has been encouraging me to go to a Christian recovery group for wives whose husbands struggle with sexual sin. Maybe I need to start going. I'm just afraid they will all complain the whole time or tell stories about their husband getting worse which will scare me. But I am probably misjudging and should just go.

I know for SAnon, they are very structured. I went for three weeks and did not share at all, except to participate in the readings. I got a feel for the group and then shared on the third week. They are almost fanatical about confidentiality.

Give it a try. You might gain more than you think.

[Unfulfilled]

Would it be acceptable for an alcoholic who was sober and clean for 7 months and then went to the bar for just one night and a few drinks be aacceptable or given a pass? Because if the “progress they made for those 7 months? Or a heroine addict clean for a few months be given a pass for being clean for 7 months and then falling and shoot up heroine again?

Neither should a person addicted to porn. Falling off the wagon is equally as bad and being sucked back into the addiction.

Make no mistake, porn causes and stimulates the same areas of the brain and releases the same chemicals and hormones as other drug addictions. And can be equally hard to quit as a drug addiction. As states above, the addict is rationalizing his addiction.

He has to get real and understand that yes, going 7 months gained respect and credibility. But going back and “using” porn again lost immediately every single ounce of that hard work.

You feel betrayed because you WERE betrayed! The fact he doesn’t realize that is an indication of his rationalization of his addiction.

[Tigger]

I am sensing the Holy Spirit leading me to this conclusion as well. The Bible emphasizes that no one can serve two masters, either they serve the one or the other. They must hate one and love the other. God allows no other masters but Himself.

I just need to understand how best to help him. I understand there is a difference in opinion on this subject so I tread carefully but I have been praying in tongues for him a lot because I do not know what to say (Romans 8:26-27) and God has started confirming that it is right to say there must be absolute purity. No lies, no holding back, and also to help DH understand that God will give him victory. I don't know what it's like to feel temptation towards porn but I have to believe that God's word, and prayer, and praying in the Spirit are powerful weapons, enough to defeat this.

I have been so encouraged by a book called Chasing The Dragon. It is about a missionary who lives in Hong Kong and has seen many drug addicts come to freedom and new life in Jesus. When they felt withdrawal and temptation they prayed in the Spirit and found the joy in Christ and strength to resist and stay strong. I believe this is true for other addictions too, I mean just that turning to God does make a difference.

[Job29Man]

He is saying God has not helped him even though he has prayed in the past. I keep begging God to do something and it feels like He hasn't. At least DH has agreed to counseling next week.

Many times people will think or say "Yeah, I tried that God thing. If He's there He's not answering my prayers." But in fact, there is more to asking God's help than just praying a few times. God expects us to do the work needed as well. This involves practical work and spiritual discipline and faithfulness. Some of the spiritual disciplines and options include,
1. Prayer, daily, intense prayer.
2. Fellowship, with like-minded and mature believers, faithfully, frequently
3. Assembling together, i.e. going to Church, weekly, twice a week, faithfully to the same church, not church-hopping, not moving around, not staying away for weeks or months at a time, even for "good" reasons.
4. Education -- reading the right books about the topic, listening to talks and sermons online by competent teachers and experts
5. Counseling -- getting good In Real Life counseling from wise men, not just free, anonymous internet counsel on a forum
6. Sacrifice 1 -- giving up privacy and allowing internet filters and accountability reports
7. Sacrifice 2 -- for a porn addict to get a computer and a private office, in a secluded place is a really foolish idea, even if it is to start a business to support your family. It is better to get a lower paying job, and eat beans and rice instead of steak.

I love him and it really sounds like he is trying but I just can't reconcile being okay with the levels thing. Is it too harsh for me to ask him for complete purity?

No. It is not too harsh to expect and require complete, 100% purity from him. But it may be unrealistic, and you should be prepared for that.

One last thing Tigger; you mentioned "leaving." For anyone who has these thoughts, and is a relative newlywed and still childless, I generally have this admonition ... Do not conceive a child with this man until you are convinced that he has been totally, 100% healed of this addiction for at least one solid year without a single relapse.

[OldMarriedLady]

Tigger, I'm going to suggest that you join the Usergroup for Sexual Sin and look through the Pornography forum on our board. It might be helpful and comforting to you to read other threads there and see what people have done in their fight against porn.

There's also a secular website called "Your Brain on Porn" that has a lot of great information about the addictive nature of porn and how to fight it.

[Tigger]

How do I go about talking to DH in such a way that he understands how important this is and also in what I ask him to do? I feel like I've tried these conversations before and I don't feel like we end up getting anywhere (this time time he agreed to go to counseling) but I mean what to ask besides that?