Oral Sex Confusion & Frustration

Any sexual problems or difficulties not listed in a specific section.
birdzee
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Oral Sex Confusion & Frustration

Postby birdzee » Fri Apr 27, 2018 6:37 am

Hey guys, I’m new here and I apologize if this post is in the wrong section.

My wife and I have been married for a few years now and are marriage keeps growing and we’re doing our best to put God first.

Recently, we’ve had an issue with oral sex. She use to give oral sex and seemed to like to do it because she saw how much I liked it and felt loved when she did it. She’s never wanted to receive it, even though I’ve offered many times.

However, she has recently decided that she doesn’t like it and doesn’t want to do it anymore. She gets mad every time I bring it up or ask for it. She never wants to talk about it anymore and basically wants me to get over it and move on, which that’s not easy for me to do. This whole thing has completely thrown me off guard.

I can only assume she’s completely lost interest in it because of one instance where she offered to give oral sex or have regular sex and I said oral because I haven’t had it for a long time at that time. I feel stupid for saying that now.

I have been praying about this and try to not want it anymore, but my flesh wants it. I’m afraid to bring it up to her ever again because she just gets mad at me because she says there’s no more to talk about and she just repeats herself.

What should I do?

Unfulfilled
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Re: Oral Sex Confusion & Frustration

Postby Unfulfilled » Fri Apr 27, 2018 7:00 am

So let me get this straight: your Wife OFFERED you a free choice that she would give you OS, or you could make love, YOUR choice. And then you believe she is holding you, or punishing you for making the choice she freely offered?

I think there is something more going on here than that. Maybe that was the last straw of sorts. Bit I suspect something deeper.

One thing for sure. If you avoid talking about it. It will never be solved.

Some questions. What other things in your life together changed around this same time?

Did your wife go on hormonal birth control when some other method was used prior?

Has your DW been talking/hinting etc about having a baby or getting pregnant?

Did you change chirches or did your wife obtain a new friend where she was somehow convinced that oral sex was srong, dirty, sinful? Or otherwise recieving bad information?

Did you move of your wife start a new job or otherwise have increased stress?

Did your wife start any medications such as anti-anxiety or antidepressants which are known sex drive killers that might explain the loss of interest?

Has your wife lost all or most interest in sex in general, or is less engaged in sex. or is this resistance only isolated to oral sex?

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MayDayGirl
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Re: Oral Sex Confusion & Frustration

Postby MayDayGirl » Fri Apr 27, 2018 8:01 am

Does she orgasm through regular sex? Maybe she feels like there's nothing in it for her to just give you OS?

birdzee
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Re: Oral Sex Confusion & Frustration

Postby birdzee » Fri Apr 27, 2018 8:31 pm

• And then you believe she is holding you, or punishing you for making the choice she freely offered?

I don’t think she’s holding/punishing me. I think she gradually lost interest over time, and this may have been the straw that broke the camels back. What didn’t help, I believe, is that when it was the time of the month, I would always ask for OS when she’s only wanted to give an HJ and I would get upset at that sometimes. That’s my fault, and they probably made her feel that nothing was good enough.

• What other things in your life together changed around this same time?

No major or minor changes, as far as I know, happened around this time.

• Did your wife go on hormonal birth control when some other method was used prior?

No, she’s been using the same birth control ever since we got married. She does say that the birth-control lowers your sex drive a little bit.

• Has your DW been talking/hinting etc about having a baby or getting pregnant?

No, she doesn’t want to have any kids.

• Did you change chirches or did your wife obtain a new friend where she was somehow convinced that oral sex was srong, dirty, sinful? Or otherwise recieving bad information?

We have not changed churches. As far as I know, I don’t think anyone has convinced her that it is bad. She would tell me if someone said something. She’s not the one that would keep secrets.

• Did you move of your wife start a new job or otherwise have increased stress?

She’s been at the same job for many years. Someone recently was laid off, and she now has to do the work for two people and has been doing this for almost a month now.

• Did your wife start any medications such as anti-anxiety or antidepressants which are known sex drive killers that might explain the loss of interest?

There was talk about getting anti-anxiety medication, but we’ve never went through with it.

• Has your wife lost all or most interest in sex in general, or is less engaged in sex. or is this resistance only isolated to oral sex?

Just OS.

• Does she orgasm through regular sex?

Yes, regular sex is all good.

• Maybe she feels like there's nothing in it for her to just give you OS?

I believe she felt that way when she did OS.

love2
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Re: Oral Sex Confusion & Frustration

Postby love2 » Fri Apr 27, 2018 8:39 pm

You need to keep trying to talk to her about it. Anything we have here is pure speculation as to why there was a change.

Did anything bad happen recently when she gave you oral like like you ejaculating without her expecting it? Did you gag her unintentionally through thrusting? Were you not maintaining good hygiene and maybe she is embrassed to talk about that? Have you been pressuring her to swallow and she is uncomfortable with it?

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birdzee
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Re: Oral Sex Confusion & Frustration

Postby birdzee » Fri Apr 27, 2018 9:07 pm

I should of been a little more specific. It’s not a full BJ, but only licking. There has never been pressure for her to give a full BJ, or swallowing or anything of that sort.

love2
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Re: Oral Sex Confusion & Frustration

Postby love2 » Fri Apr 27, 2018 9:10 pm

Well based on that, I would think she never liked to do it in the first place and she finally just got to a point where she put her foot down about doing it at all.

There are a lot of books that go over Song of Songs/Solomon and one of those books is Intimacy Ignited. Maybe studying it together with her will help her develop a more positive view of sex. I don't presently feel like she has a very positive view of sex.

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poetess
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Re: Oral Sex Confusion & Frustration

Postby poetess » Sat Apr 28, 2018 10:15 am

It's possible to have a positive view of sex without liking oral sex.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

workerbee
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Re: Oral Sex Confusion & Frustration

Postby workerbee » Sat Apr 28, 2018 2:04 pm

I don't disagree, poetess. However if one partner really desires that to be on the table and the other does not, then it IS an issue. Especially in this case, as it was on the table earlier in their marriage, now it's being withheld.

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poetess
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Re: Oral Sex Confusion & Frustration

Postby poetess » Sat Apr 28, 2018 3:00 pm

Workerbee, they have been married less than three years. That would suggest that she tried it (earlier than some wives do) and didn't necessarily like it, as opposed to it being something she did for many years. If "trying it" and then not liking it ends up meaning you are "withholding," then it might be better never to try something unless one is sure she will like it. There's a dilemma here--do you refuse to try, lest it look like "withholding" in the future if you stop doing it?

They're newlyweds and still sorting out sex. She may come back to it as their marriage matures. But I don't personally think she should "lose points" (be seen as "withholding") because she tried something. She did try, and perhaps someday she will try again. Or perhaps the attempt really was too much for her.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

Unfulfilled
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Re: Oral Sex Confusion & Frustration

Postby Unfulfilled » Sun Apr 29, 2018 7:12 am

^^^

Then why did the wife offer to give OS or make love. And then when the husband chose, she quit OS after that?

She blatantly and presumably made an honest offer. Then pulled the blanket out unilaterally after that one event, and now refuses to want to even discuss the matter!

This situation seems to suggest her offer was really nothing more than a test. And apparently, he “failed” the test, ar least from her perspective.

MrsG
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Re: Oral Sex Confusion & Frustration

Postby MrsG » Sun Apr 29, 2018 9:50 am

Do we know that that interaction is actually the source of the issue?

birdzee
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Re: Oral Sex Confusion & Frustration

Postby birdzee » Sat May 05, 2018 8:09 pm

I apologize for my lack of response to everyone. Looking back to the offer, I have a strong feeling it was a test and I failed miserably. When I chose os, I also said how much I enjoy it and I think I said something along the lines of that I crave it everyday or something like that. I strongly believe that made her feel that I like os way more than sex, and that’s what killed it.

We still haven’t talked about it since my first post, and everything seems to be ok. Our sex life is still good and doesn’t seem to be affected by this and I’m doing just fine without os currently.

ledgemoor
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Re: Oral Sex Confusion & Frustration

Postby ledgemoor » Sun May 06, 2018 1:09 pm

Thanks for getting back to us. I wanted to say something in response to your original post, but could not find it when I finally got around to doing so.

First, let me address your last post and a later one.

Oral SEX is SEX. It is a highly emotional and meaningful experience, and grounds for divorce if you do it with someone else. She shouldn't conclude that if you prefer oral sex to vaginal sex that you love or cherish her any less. Most women prefer direct clitoral stimulation to penis-in-vagina sex. That doesn't mean that they love their husbands any less. It's just the way their bodies work. Actually, if you could have as much oral sex as you want and could freely choose between vaginal or oral without repercussions, you would probably end up going with vaginal most of the time. But I know from experience how frustrating it is when there is a little thing that my wife won't do for me, especially where my penis is involved. It makes it feel very unloved :(.

Don't let her getting upset prevent you from talking about issues in your marriage, and vice versa. It is an easy trap to fall into. Your wife brings up a touchy subject. Your natural response is to get upset. It shuts down the uncomfortable conversation, which reinforces the behavior the next time an uncomfortable topic comes up.

What didn’t help, I believe, is that when it was the time of the month, I would always ask for OS when she’s only wanted to give an HJ and I would get upset at that sometimes. That’s my fault, and they probably made her feel that nothing was good enough.
Ok, any ingratitude or appearance thereof is not good. When you talk about this -- and you SHOULD talk about it -- apologize. And don't do it again. Thank her and thank God every time you make love from now on :D .

Ok, what I wanted to say in response to your original post:
She’s never wanted to receive it, even though I’ve offered many times.
That's what's saddest about your situation -- not letting you do it for her. "It is better to give than receive" definitely applies to oral sex. My wife didn't want it and would not let me do it. At first, it was no problem. Frankly, before I married, I figured my wife might want it, and of course I would do it, but it wasn't the sort of thing I was particularly looking forward to.

However, as my love for her grew, and I learned that cunnilingus was described in the Song of Solomon and learned about pheromones, and experienced how good she smelled when we were having sex, experiencing giving her oral sex became an obsession. But she wouldn't hear to it. She wouldn't discuss it without getting upset. All she would say is "that's where I pee." Unfortunately, girls usually don't like that part of themselves very much. Us guys, we LIKE our penises, but girls liking their parts, not so much. They think it looks funny and smells funny. If they only new how beautiful God made that part of them and how good they taste and smell....

It's a long story, but after much prayer and other things, 25 years into our marriage, she allowed me to do it. OH MY GOD! There are two things in life that have more than met my expectations. One was sex itself. The second was giving her oral sex. How wonderful cunnilingus turned out to be was a bigger surprise than sex itself.

Well, it took a little while, but it turns out she LIKES it! (I can't imagine that it wouldn't feel really nice!) It is a regular part of our lovemaking now. It took a few more years, but she is now giving me oral sex now too, including ejaculating in her mouth. It is still usually something I have to ask for, but I appreciate the progress we have made, and do really enjoy it on occasion.

If you want to pursue this angle of it, let me know and I and others here can pass along pointers on how to proceed with her.
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)


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