Heartbreak highway

Addiction, wrong expectations, habitual masturbation ...
ShellBell89
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Heartbreak highway

Postby ShellBell89 » Wed Mar 28, 2018 1:27 am

So this is my story, its a bit of a long one so im going to try to do a summary of the history and will be more than happy to elaborate on anything if anyone wants to know more. My story has recently come to a very delicate place.

I met my now busband in 2011. I was a virgin. Grew up in a christian household. All my life had to fend off boyfriends trying to get lucky. When I met him I told him I wanted to wait and when I knew I would end up marrying him and that he was someone special I finally slept with him. Regretably. After a year or so I found porn on his phone. We didnt live together so wasnt sure how i felt about this. Was young and dumb. Eventually started to bother me, told him he cant lust after girls like that and still want me but I didnt make any demands. A while later he came to me of his own volition to say he doesnt watch porn anymore. Was elated. A while later found porn on phone again. Heartbroken. Sex started becoming less frequent. When asked he would say has nothing to do with me or my body and cant think why this is so but he will work on it. Never did. Nothing improved. Got married anyway. Now that we live together the less frequent sex bothers me. Im there for his needs but apparently he has none. Sometimes 2 weeks will go by without it and he wont even act as if he misses it or notices.

So this is where the paw-paw hits the fan. We celebrated our 2 year anniversary in beggining march. That day we didnt have sex. That night i was lying in bed crying and when he saw I was crying he immediatley got upset/frustrated with me. He asked why and I said i was dissapointed in the fact that he had no intenions for me that whole day or night... just the previous weekend i had treated him to a candle light masssage and sex so its not like he is the only one initiating or giving. He got in bed and said nothing. I ended up sleeping in the other bed and bawling my eyes out. He didnt once ask if I was ok.

The next week went by very cold and resentful for me. He was acting as if everything was fine between us and everytime he would want to cuddle with me or give me a hug he would look hurt when i refused him. I was hurting alot.

The next weekend We woke up on sunday and he went to the loo for his morning deed and later that morning when I got out the shower he was in the bathroom again. He doesnt poop that much. Immediately I had this cold sinking feeling and knew he had been masturbating. I burst out crying. When he saw he once again looked frustrated and just shut it down.

That following wednesday I just had a feeling I needed to check his facebook (we are open with our phones, he goes through mine out of interest and so do I) and I see he has looked up 2 girls and gone through their photos. Both lingerie models. He has done this before. I go and take all my lingerie and throw it in the bin. I dont nearly look like these grils. What the hell. He finds the lingerie and asks whats this. I tell him i couldnt possibly look as sexy as so and so in them so i dont have use for them anymore. He flips, says he didnt ask for a fight, leaves it as that. Acts as everyhing is normal again. Im at this point not eating or sleeping.

Finally the saturday night as we get into bed he says in the silence “So do you want to talk?” Well obviously. He starts by telling me he was molested as I child. Inask if this bas an effect on our sex life/is causing the problems. He really doesnt think so. I take his word for it but im not allowed to talk about the subject any further. He however doesnt use this confession as a trump card to get out of trouble so i take my hat off to him for that. He tells me he was indeed watching porn. He has no idea why he looked at those girls. Says he wanted to leave me as he feels i deserve a better husband. I tell him im there for his sexual needs and to use me when he has the urge to masturbate. He says he has me on a pedestal and cant imagine thinking of me as sexually dirty. I tell him to do it anyway.

The next week things are ok and I try to initiate sex, I reason the more sex he has the less he will want to masturbate. The next thing he tells me he has an idea. He puts the tv on and puts a porno on. Im so shocked i start shaking. He tells me just go with it and watch the porno at the same time. What do i do, i just asked the poor guy to be more opens sexually so if I say no it will mess everything up. Before he played it he told me we could talk about it afterwards so obviously i had a million and one questions. And when I asked them he immediatly got upset and sais i reading too much into what happened and didnt want to carry on the conversation. I felt like he enjoyed the porno more than he did me.

He has locked me out of his phone after finding the facebook pics and when I aksed if he would keep me out he said no. He hasnt made any effort to give me the password. When i asked him about it and told him it would go a long way to help earn my trust again he flipped. Said it was the last things on his mind.

As yet in all of this he hasnt been lovey dovey as someone usually is when theyre in deep trouble. Im feeling very insecure after all this and when i told him i need more resassurance of his love he was not interested.

I cant eat or sleep. Im having several panic attacks a day. Once again he acts like everything is normal.

I just dont know if he love me anymore and cannot gauge anything based on his actions. Is he being so hard on me because he is wracked with guilt?

love2
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Re: Heartbreak highway

Postby love2 » Wed Mar 28, 2018 6:39 am

I feel sad that you are going through this.
Unfortunately his childhood sexual abuse does have a lot to do with what you are experiencing. Because he was abused sex is now a dirty, obcence and degrading thing in his mind. It isn't holy or godly to him. As a result, he cannot see you sexually because you are his wife and you are good, you aren't dirty. Now because of the sexual abuse he probably doesn't want to have intimacy with you (not just sex but any form of intimate connection). Porn gives him a sexual outlet where he doesn't have to be vulnerable or take risks. A relationship forces intimacy, vulnerabilty and taking risks.

I really recommend that you do some research about a Christian counselor that has experience treating sex issues and adult survivors of sexual abuse.

I don't feel like this is going to be an easy walk for the two of you but if he is willing to confront the issues I think you will both be able to make it. I also suggest personal counseling for you so you can get some strategies for coping with this. You will need to learn how to be supportive without being enabling. Also, you might see if you can reach out to a trusted friend or someone in real life that can pray for you and offer you some emotional support.

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ShellBell89
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Re: Heartbreak highway

Postby ShellBell89 » Wed Mar 28, 2018 7:19 am

Thank you so much for your response. It makes A LOT of sense. And I do find some relief in reading that. I know it may sound desperate but for my insecurity sake, am I right in saying that it is not me who is the problem or reason that he doesnt want me, and that he doesn’t mb to hurt me directly or on purpose if I understand what you are saying correctly? That it is all caused by this sexual abuse issue or atleast to some extent? TIA

love2
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Re: Heartbreak highway

Postby love2 » Wed Mar 28, 2018 10:45 am

He isnt MB because he doesn't find you attractive. He is MB while watching porn because porn is fast food sex. He can see the sex he wants to see and MB no strings attached without having to be vulnerable or intimate with another person. Also, the porn is probably a comfort to him lik any other addiction such as alcohol. He gets his needs met and he doesn't have to worry about meeting sexual and emotional needs of another person. He also doesn't have to worry about his sexual performance or sexual abilities with MB. It is an in-out stress free type of thing. However, it is sinful and not something your should be expected to tolerate; that is where a good counselor comes in. I do recommend that you have a serious conversation with him about his porn use that it isn't something you are going to allow in your marriagebed. I'm hoping someone else that has more experience will chime in here and talk about some boundaries that they feel are appropriate for this situation.

If he is very addicted to porn which it appears he might be it's important for you to know that sometimes the sexual response is so altered that men can only perform sexually (get aroused/have erections) when they are watching porn. Without the porn they cannot get an erection or maintain arousal. This isn't because the wife isnt attractive but it's because of the conditioned response porn = erection/arousal. No porn = no arousal. To deal with this, he shouldn't watch porn and you should let him know that whatever happens sexually if he can't give you an orgasm or he can't get an erection that you just want to be with him sexually, intimately. You won't judge him or shame him if things don't turn out perfectly sexually. Over time of him not watching porn and being sexual with you his body will recondition itself to be sexually aroused by you and only you. I don't know if this applies to your situation but I am just throwing it out as a possibility of what MIGHT be happening.

So I'd start with talking to him about the porn and trying to figure out a plan so that he isn't watching it anymore. This could involve an accountability partner for him, installing software on his phone, etc.

Next would be to talk about sex and see if you can figure out something with that. Can he still get aroused without porn? Is scheduled sex an option? How many times a week, etc.

These are my suggestions and thoughts only. I am still going back to you needing to see a licensed professional counselor. A lot of pastors dont have experience in dealing with childhood sexual abuse and some have limited experience with handling pornography. You will have to use a lot of wisdom and discernment to get help from the right people to make sure these issues actually get fixed.


*Edited to fix typos
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ShellBell89
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Is porn cheating?

Postby ShellBell89 » Mon Apr 30, 2018 1:41 am

I have posted on here recently regarding what my husband and I have gone through. One thing that stays with me is that he used porn while I was in the next room taking a shower. He knew long ago how I felt about porn and that it hurt me, there was no question about it. So now I feel he cheated. Yes it is not with another woman, but he knew exactly what he was doing and I feel he betrayed me. He knows sex is an emotional and spiritual thing between a busband and wife so I do feel he cheated emotionally. I am completely unable to trust him no matter what, he hasnt done much to earn the trust back but just expects me to give him some credit and along with that some trust. The other problem is I made it very clear at the beginning of our relationship that if he ever had to cheat it would spell the end for us. So my question is, is this the kind of cheating and betrayal I leave him for? I cannot see how I will ever be able to trust him or believe anything he ever says to me again. He has no patience for me when I start having a panick attack after suspecting he has mb again, and has made no promise or effort to say he will try his best to not do it at all.

ShaunTheSalvo
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Re: Heartbreak highway

Postby ShaunTheSalvo » Mon Apr 30, 2018 3:04 am

The short answer is yes, a husband using porn is effectively cheating on his wife. You have every right to feel cheated, because this is exactly what has happened. You made it clear at the start of your relationship how you felt about porn, and presumably your husband understood your position and agreed to that.

Regarding whether or not you leave him based on the fact he has used porn is a much harder question. It's not a decision I would suggest making lightly. I don't know how long you've been married, but marriage is something that you don't want to throw away lightly or trivially. It will affect both of you for the rest of your lives. (In ten years' time, will you still feel you made the right decision?)

Yes, your husband has cheated on you by using porn. It is sin, and he needs to get this right, both with God and with you. In fairness to all, just as God always gives the sinner space to repent and get things right, it's only fair your husband has this same chance.

I would start at the beginning, get to the root of the problem. Assuming your husband is willing to talk about the matter, could I suggest discussing the matter with him. Try to make it so he feels comfortable discussing the matter with you, and neither of you feel intimidated, accused etc. Tell him how you feel, and that you are considering leaving him because of the issue. Make sure he understands that. Just as important - make sure he has the chance to tell his side of the story. Why does he feel the need to use porn? Is there anything you can do to help? Men can turn to porn for any number of reasons (such as out of depression, anger or stress), and it doesn't necessarily mean he is not happy or satisfied in his relationship with you - either emotionally or sexually.

If he has a porn addiction, that is probably not something he can just stop. He may require prayer, counselling or other help to break the addiction. and recovery could be a long road. He will doubtless need you by his side to help in this.

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't make a rash decision. Leaving him is something that is much easier to do than it is to undo if you regret the decision later. No doubt you are angry and upset right now, that is completely understandable.

How is your marriage otherwise? Is it worth fighting for? Please take the time to take the matter to God in prayer, and seek His guidance and help. You never know what God could do in this circumstance. I'm sure His desire would be for you and your husband to work toward reconciliation and healing, rather than separation.

Praying this matter resolves favourably, and it all works out for the best. God bless you, your husband and your marriage. All the best.

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SeekingChange
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Re: Heartbreak highway

Postby SeekingChange » Mon Apr 30, 2018 6:11 am

So my question is, is this the kind of cheating and betrayal I leave him for? 

My answer is "no". We are all cheaters and an unfaithful lot of people. Maybe some of us make our children, our hobbies, or our work our "mistress", my husband's "mistress" is often the church and helping other people. Maybe those aren't sexual sins, but there are multiple ways to sin sexually, in thought, in refusal, and in action. If we all had grounds to leave a marriage because of an unfaithfulness, infidelity, or even an "abuse", every single one of us, including our spouses, would have freedom to walk.

A very distinct line for me is, did the person become physically united, one-flesh, with another? That gives you the freedom to walk away righteously. But even in that, it is amazing how many marriages I know that still chose to forgive and make a go of it.

I always try to go back and think of our relationship with Christ...which marriage is to be an image of, because we are the church, right? How does He treat me? Does He leave me because of my unfaithful actions at times? Nope. If I am trying to be like Him, why would I treat my husband any less than how Christ treats me?

I don't speak as someone who has never dealt with this, between the two of us, we have dealt with porn (watching/reading), sexual addictive behavior, straying thoughts and hearts, sexual refusal, and neglect...and probably more I am not recalling.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

My Story

love2
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Re: Heartbreak highway

Postby love2 » Mon Apr 30, 2018 6:55 am

I also think that you shouldn't leave but also you shouldn't be expected to continue to tolerate his bad behavior.

Since he is unwilling to talk about it and work through it and it doesn't appear that he is going to do anything any differently I feel like marriage counseling might be a good option. Marriage counseling would give of you a safe space to work through this, would you be able to find a counselor?

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