Wife does not desire me

Low or no sex drive?
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bigloop
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Re: Wife does not desire me

Postby bigloop » Sun Nov 26, 2017 6:36 pm

Dont get caught in the trap of "chore-play" or vacuuming for sex - it never ends well and it will kill your respect for yourself and her respect for you. If you see things that need to be done around the house, and you want to do them for whatever good reason you think of - then do them. But don't do them under some unspoken expectation of sex in return. All you'll be doing is working for disapointment.

emptynesters
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Re: Help, I may have married an asexual wife

Postby emptynesters » Mon Apr 30, 2018 9:46 am

I have been on this forum for some time but recently found out about asexuality. I still have a difficult time dealing with my situation after 32 years of a very low sex marriage but I was always led to believe it was me. All my google searches seemed to say either I wasn't romantic, didn't help with kids or around the house, had bad hygiene, overweight etc (she has never said any of those things to me). She says she has never experienced an orgasm in her life and doesn't care or care if she ever does. Once a ran across the term "asexual" I thought it fits her to a T. I still long for a hot sex life but have resigned myself to the fact it will probably never happen. Sad to say I do feel sorry for myself to have missed this gift from God and sorry for her she has no desire but as an asexual I feel it doesn't bother her either. She does allow me to have sex from time to time but it just feels like I am using her body as a masturbation tool and I feel so guilty afterwards. I have been conditioned to get it over with quickly or I am not allowed to finish. I feel that she feels used as well and just has sex out of duty. Guess I'm looking for that magic pill that doesn't exist but I am glad this forum is here since I really don't have anyone else to talk about my issue with. Thanks for listening. Still in distress but dealing with the situation.

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SeekingChange
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Re: Help, I may have married an asexual wife

Postby SeekingChange » Mon Apr 30, 2018 9:52 am

Welcome, but sorry you aren't here under better circumstances. Would she be willing to get her hormones checked?
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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Michaelavp
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Re: Help, I may have married an asexual wife

Postby Michaelavp » Mon Apr 30, 2018 10:49 am

We have very similar situations. I feel your pain all to well. I am new here and learning how to maneuver around and enter act with others.

tjw
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Re: Wife does not desire me

Postby tjw » Tue May 01, 2018 4:00 am

I'm sorry to hear of your unfulfilling marriage. I cannot offer you much in the way of help on this, I have spent
a lot of my married life in this kind of condition.

emptynesters wrote:Sad to say I do feel sorry for myself to have missed this gift from God


My general take on this is that you are correct.....that God has indeed done His part, but the sinful acts and attitudes of people have caused His gift to not come to fruition. These sinful acts may not be the fault of your wife, or yourself. They may have been committed by others close to her, probably in her childhood. If she has been taught to not want sex by her family, her environment, her church, or if she has been egregiously hurt by someone close to her, in a sexual context, she may not be inherently asexual, but carries "scar tissue" which blocks her desire from coming out into her marriage.

An old TV show about abnormal psychology used to begin with the words..."Sometimes we master our pasts.....sometimes, it masters us...."
God's mastery may have been usurped along the way. For someone to submit the throne of his/her life to God in an area of life where they have been drastically hurt, is quite difficult for them because of their natural desire to protect themselves from further pain. Her "get it over with quickly" is somewhat of a "clue".... she may be avoiding emotional pain which is "triggered" by sex.

emptynesters wrote:she has no desire but as an asexual I feel it doesn't bother her either.


It seems, that for many women, the less sex they have, the lower their desire for it. You are most likely correct that she is not "bothered" by her life of nearly complete abstinence.


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