What to do, what to do

Aging brings changes - some good, some not so much.
CLA
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What to do, what to do

Postby CLA » Mon Nov 07, 2011 6:49 pm

We are both mid 50s. She had a long, drawn out menopause experience that took about 7 years from start to finish. It left her with no libido, although now after about another 7 years of dealing with post menopausal life, she finally gets it that even though her interest in sex is zero,(it took the fabled "shot across the bow" a couple of years ago for that to finally sink in for her) mine has has not diminished that much since we were newlywed 20 year olds. (Well, maybe since we were in our late 30s anyway.)

I guess every situation has it's specific fact situations. In ours, one is that she cannot take any meds (even OTC stuff) for her post menopause problems ( a long story, but just trust me she can't take anything at all for it now or while she was going through it.) We finally found one of those lube packages that are supposed to keep a woman lubed and comfortable with IC for several days. For her, if she takes it right before IC she can go for a few minutes and it is good for one shot only. Only one or two brands work for her and it is a challenge for me to keep stocked up on the brand or two that work for her. The other thing is that she is much more comfortable with IC if she has a few minutes of IC every day. If she skips a day or two, the next time is painful for her. And trying to go more than once a day leaves her sore enough also for 4-5 days to take IC off the table completely. Then, we have to start all over getting her "toughened" up again to not be in pain at some future date. So, we have a woman who isn't interested in sex at all, but if she doesn't do it daily for a few minutes she is hurting more the next few days if she does do it. (And of course, more than a few minutes, even if done daily, is painful for her also.)

One problem for me is that since she really doesn't get much out of it, it is easy for her to skip sex anywhere from 1-4 days in a row, even though she talks about doing it almost every day knowing of my desire.Then of course, she is starting all over trying not to be in pain. Also orgasm is a problem. Rather her lack of O is a problem for me. It doesn't bother her in the slightest. She can O with some mechanical assistance, or occaisonally with my finger, but she almost always skips it unless I bring it up. I don't care if she needs a vibe, I would just like to know that the possibility is there that I won't be the only one having an O. It doesn't have to happen all the time, but currently she doesn't care to try. And bringing it up kind of defeats the purpose for me, although I am open to doing that for a while if I thought it would help.

We have made progress over the past few years, but basically I am married to a woman who has sex only because she knows I need it, and she doesn't care to orgasm any more, and sex is often a (literal) pain for her. Those things are doing a number on my head. I don't doubt that physically she is limited. She isn't making the pain up. So, if I really pushed it, she talks like she would have IC for a few minutes a day. ( But as I said, if we skip a day or two, it will be painful for her the next few days.) She is only having sex because she knows I still want it, it isn't a desire on her part, it is painful for her more often than not. She doesn't care about having an O even though usually she can when she tries. I guess I am starting to repeat myself, so I will cut to the chase.

Should I just accept this as part of the aging process, and accept that she is loving me physically as best she can( or cares to) or does anyone else have any ideas of suggestions? I feel like if she isn't that interested why should I keep trying to keep this part of the marriage relationship alive? Even though I know she has changed physically and mentally as a result of the aging process, but now still makes an effort, I am getting tired of what I am starting to think of as pity sex and I wonder if I would be better off if just forgetting the whole thing if it doesn't get any better than this. I would appreciate any thoughts or suggestions.

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Re: What to do, what to do

Postby mom210 » Mon Nov 07, 2011 8:41 pm

I would find another dr.. there ARE things out there that can help.

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Re: What to do, what to do

Postby librarian » Mon Nov 07, 2011 8:48 pm

My DW is 60, and recently told me that she is having the best sex of her life, and that she is enjoying sex more than she ever did. I wouldn't resign myself, just yet. But you certainly do have more challenges that we have faced. :(
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Re: What to do, what to do

Postby Leah » Mon Nov 07, 2011 10:03 pm

I think at some point in time most people will find medical options exhausted and they are going to have to decide how they are going to handle it. My personal standard will be to continue to engage as often as possible because it's the right thing to do. I'm feeling like Jake will probably run out of gas before I will, and then someone will have to come to terms with that. I think both partners should participate. They might have to be creative on how to go about it.
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Re: What to do, what to do

Postby KevinP » Thu Mar 15, 2012 7:32 pm

What to do indeed. :oops: :( My wife avoids sex, doesn't need the pain. She had a retroflexed uterus and vagina. She had a full hystorectomy some15 years ago, took the lot. Still her vagina is tight and slopes up and to the right, then twists a bit. Yours-truly's more-than-adequate member has no chance of going there. She isn't interested in pain, understandibly. My sex drive hasn't diminished much. I don't want it to until I have a bit more sex life.
We saw a sex doctor who prescribed a series of dilators. The wife agreed, then won't go through with it.
So, what do I do? Stay trapped in a sexless marriage? I couldn't entertain the thought of divorce. She doesn't deserve to be left on her own over this. We tried Christian counselling, and all I get is a lot of 'don't's' and a shrug of the shoulders. Nobody seems to have an answer for a husband who can't get his desires met.
I go to secular counsellors and they suggest a girlfriend on the side, and a few other ideas. "Yeah, right!"
Anyone with some practical Godly advice?
Kevin

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Re: What to do, what to do

Postby librarian » Thu Mar 15, 2012 7:45 pm

KevinP wrote:What to do indeed. :oops: :( My wife avoids sex, doesn't need the pain. She had a retroflexed uterus and vagina. She had a full hystorectomy some15 years ago, took the lot. Still her vagina is tight and slopes up and to the right, then twists a bit. Yours-truly's more-than-adequate member has no chance of going there. She isn't interested in pain, understandibly. My sex drive hasn't diminished much. I don't want it to until I have a bit more sex life.
We saw a sex doctor who prescribed a series of dilators. The wife agreed, then won't go through with it.
So, what do I do? Stay trapped in a sexless marriage? I couldn't entertain the thought of divorce. She doesn't deserve to be left on her own over this. We tried Christian counselling, and all I get is a lot of 'don't's' and a shrug of the shoulders. Nobody seems to have an answer for a husband who can't get his desires met.
I go to secular counsellors and they suggest a girlfriend on the side, and a few other ideas. "Yeah, right!"
Anyone with some practical Godly advice?
Kevin


Does your wife see that you still need sex? Or is it a case of "Well, I can't do it anymore, so it sucks to be you?' Is it a matter of concern for her, or does she just feel that it's your problem, so you need to get over it?
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KevinP

Re: What to do, what to do

Postby KevinP » Fri Mar 16, 2012 4:22 pm

Yes, she knows it's hard on me, but she just says she can't do anything much. She has little desire to play, but she tries every few weeks to just help me with foreplay but that's it. Not in the evening or if she's tired, hungry, busy, etc. :roll:
Kevin

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Re: What to do, what to do

Postby CLA » Fri Mar 16, 2012 4:57 pm

My suggestion would be that if she was no longer willing to try (I am assuming that she does not have a reasonable reason for refusing to try the dilator) and there are no children still at home I would no longer be willing to live with her, support her, etc. If she wants to then play the divorce card then that is up to her.

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Re: What to do, what to do

Postby librarian » Fri Mar 16, 2012 6:22 pm

KevinP wrote:Yes, she knows it's hard on me, but she just says she can't do anything much. She has little desire to play, but she tries every few weeks to just help me with foreplay but that's it. Not in the evening or if she's tired, hungry, busy, etc. :roll:
Kevin


She's wrong, there is something that she, and you, can do. In our case, it is my arthritis that makes sexual activity (PIV) painful. So my DW and I stimulate each other, manually. I've always MB'ed her, as part of our lovemaking, and last year, DW went to a website that Gemma has on her blog that gives handjob info. While we can't engage in PIV sex, we do have an active sex life through manual stimulation of each other. If your wife cannot engage in PIV with you, and if she is wanting to help you, there is this possibility.

BTW, I don't know how things are with your DW, but even if she has no libido, that doesn't mean that she can't aroused. Paul B., owner of this board, puts out a daily blog, Generous Husband, and in this one, he explains that, for most women, desire follows arousal. That is the case with us, so usually, when I start foreplay, desire for sex is really not on her radar. However, after 5-10 minutes of activity, her motor starts to run. You may want to try this. My wife hasn't had your wife's problems, but she has gone through menopause; and she tells me that she is having the best sex of her life. So there is hope.
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KevinP

Re: What to do, what to do

Postby KevinP » Sat Mar 17, 2012 2:39 pm

Yes, it is much the same with My wife once it starts, but it takes time to progress to turned-on for her, and from anxiety I have a premature ejac prob, and with foreplay etc, as soon as that happens it's game over for her. "Hang on, that was just the opening goal, still got the game to play" is what i feel like. The more anxious I am, the faster I come, etc, Mostly she does too, and I try to have her score early or she wouldn't at all.
Still has me feeling like less of a man.
I don't want to be resigned to once a month or so, quickly popping off like that, that's not healthy and emotionally not nearly enough.
Kevin

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Re: What to do, what to do

Postby librarian » Sat Mar 17, 2012 5:11 pm

KevinP wrote:Yes, it is much the same with My wife once it starts, but it takes time to progress to turned-on for her, and from anxiety I have a premature ejac prob, and with foreplay etc, as soon as that happens it's game over for her. "Hang on, that was just the opening goal, still got the game to play" is what i feel like. The more anxious I am, the faster I come, etc, Mostly she does too, and I try to have her score early or she wouldn't at all.
Still has me feeling like less of a man.
I don't want to be resigned to once a month or so, quickly popping off like that, that's not healthy and emotionally not nearly enough.


I used to have that mentality, too, but last year, with my DE problems, I became much more generous for her sake. Even if I was not able to finish, that didn't mean that I was a failure or that our session was a failure. I came to see that our times in bed could be just about her and her pleasure. A couple of times last year, DW initiated and finished me first. In the past, that would have been the end of our time, but these times, even though I was "done", I concentrated on her and her pleasure and brought her to an O.

If you are having PE problems, that doesn't mean that the two of you have to be finished. You can still focus on her after you are done. After all, that is what my wife does 90% of our times. You can turn the tables and just make sure that she gets what she needs after you are done. After all, where is it written that sex is over when the dude comes?

btw - I just don't get this "less that a man" mentality. Our bodies are what they are, and we have to learn how to function within the bounds of what our bodies deal out to us.
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KevinP

Re: What to do, what to do

Postby KevinP » Wed Mar 21, 2012 2:39 pm

[/quote]
I used to have that mentality, too, but last year, with my DE problems, I became much more generous for her sake. Even if I was not able to finish, that didn't mean that I was a failure or that our session was a failure. I came to see that our times in bed could be just about her and her pleasure. A couple of times last year, DW initiated and finished me first. In the past, that would have been the end of our time, but these times, even though I was "done", I concentrated on her and her pleasure and brought her to an O.

If you are having PE problems, that doesn't mean that the two of you have to be finished. You can still focus on her after you are done. After all, that is what my wife does 90% of our times. You can turn the tables and just make sure that she gets what she needs after you are done. After all, where is it written that sex is over when the dude comes?

btw - I just don't get this "less that a man" mentality. Our bodies are what they are, and we have to learn how to function within the bounds of what our bodies deal out to us.[/quote]

I do need to work on my feelings of failure, and this is a classic area to stay wounded over for years. I talk to God over this, and my past mistakes, and try to forget them and not blame myself. Not easy. I feel I can't talk to anyone face to face. She just denies there's a problem, if asked.
When I consciously put in an effort she comes from manual/oral play. An orgasm each shouldn't mean the show's over but that's what happens. As for intercourse, (first step) she is back on HRT, (second step) and agrees she needs to get back to the doctor to see what can be done about her tightness. It's not just Vaginismus, she is not formed right internally. I would love to believe with her for God to fix it but there's no agreement over that yet. I never give up hope, that leads to despair.
At the time of her hystorectomy, it was proposed they operate to open her. That filled us with horror but maybe we should have done that.
Sex problems are relative I suppose. Sometimes I think a delayed orgasm problem would be good for a change.
Kevin

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Re: What to do, what to do

Postby texashubby » Fri Apr 27, 2012 2:31 pm

KevinP wrote:What to do indeed. :oops: :( My wife avoids sex, doesn't need the pain. She had a retroflexed uterus and vagina. She had a full hystorectomy some15 years ago, took the lot. Still her vagina is tight and slopes up and to the right, then twists a bit. Yours-truly's more-than-adequate member has no chance of going there. She isn't interested in pain, understandibly. My sex drive hasn't diminished much. I don't want it to until I have a bit more sex life.
We saw a sex doctor who prescribed a series of dilators. The wife agreed, then won't go through with it.
So, what do I do? Stay trapped in a sexless marriage? I couldn't entertain the thought of divorce. She doesn't deserve to be left on her own over this. We tried Christian counselling, and all I get is a lot of 'don't's' and a shrug of the shoulders. Nobody seems to have an answer for a husband who can't get his desires met.
I go to secular counsellors and they suggest a girlfriend on the side, and a few other ideas. "Yeah, right!"
Anyone with some practical Godly advice?
Kevin

Couple of years ago DW had pelvic organ prolapse surgery. Post-opt the doctor said he had tighten up the V opening to that of a 25 year old. I think the doc over-did the tightening & as a result IC & vigorous thrusting is a problem. Missionary position is the least painful for her but is a real problem for my shoulders. I would like to use rear-entry but it is too painful for her. Rather than IC we now masturbate together once or twice-a-week. The other days I go solo, (& yes she knows & approves). Yes we have attempted to stretch the opening and she has used a prescription cream but to no avail. DW & I are septuagenarians. With age couples will either improvise, adapt and overcome or surrender.

Does she have/use a vibrator? (recommend a Magic Wand)
Have you considered purchasing a vibrator for her? I'm not so sure you need to ask before you purchase one. After all it would be a present for her.

KevinP

Re: What to do, what to do

Postby KevinP » Sun May 06, 2012 2:53 pm

texashubby wrote:[quote= Yes we have attempted to stretch the opening and she has used a prescription cream but to no avail. DW & I are septuagenarians. With age couples will either improvise, adapt and overcome or surrender.
Does she have/use a vibrator? (recommend a Magic Wand)
Have you considered purchasing a vibrator for her? I'm not so sure you need to ask before you purchase one. After all it would be a present for her.


My wife and I are 60/59 and I Just can't bring myself to entertain the thought that this is the final curtain on sex. I suppose that would leave me feeling defeated, and that isn't where I want to end up. Adapting is a slow painful process, but I would like it not to be. I admit I need to do more to create the mood when the opportunity is there. I've never been much of a romantic, and need to improvise/adapt, but she does warm up with non sexual closeness. Mutual masturbation is pretty well the norm. A few weeks ago, we went beyond one O each and had another. :D
She's always found vibrators distasteful. We have two. Tried once or twice but not used as the sex doctor recommends. If she decided to use it I would get another.
We have talked about going back to a women's health centre and getting more advice, but would she follow it up with action this time?
The Gynocologist suggested he could operate to open and realign her, but she was/is unwilling and I have little faith in the medical 'hack and chop' approach. Still it would be a possibility if she was willing.
Meanwhile, I stay busy with other things I like to keep my mind off it as much as I can.
Thank you all, I will follow up and try what you suggest. Kevin


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