Overweight, OS, and wedding night jitters

What's supposed to happen on the wedding night? Will it hurt? What if I'm not a virgin? ...
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Overweight, OS, and wedding night jitters

Postby TheTigress » Sat Apr 12, 2014 6:42 pm

So I realized that I have several questions and they could apply to several sections of this forum so I hope it's okay that I combine them as I didn't want 3 different threads going to try and keep up with!!

I'll give my questions a bit of context that I know are usually wanted by reading several other threads so you can get right to the advice without a ton of follow-up questioning :D

FH and I so excited to be married this July! We got engaged in December and dated for 9 months prior to engagement. Also we were good friends for about 2 years before we started dating. We saved kissing until engagement and it was my first kiss(well technically I'll get to that)! I'm 25 and FH is 21. FH and I are both virgins (no "technicallly" about that) so we get to learn together! :D We are attending pre-marital counseling that is offered for free through our Christian University. I'm also in counseling on my own in addition to the pre-marital counseling. Originally I went to deal with cutting (I've haven't harmed my self in 3 1/2 years!! Praise God!) but was dealing with a lot of triggers so I wanted to know how to deal with them to avoid falling back into cutting but now that's just a side issue that we "check in on" as need. I'm currently going through the Wounded Heart book and workbook by Dr. Allendar as I suffered CSA (hence the "technical" first kiss) with my counselor. I went from absolutely terrified of and almost repulsed by sex to now enthusiastically anticipating our wedding night, partially from counseling, partially from a very open and understanding FH and partially because of this forum!

Here's where we get to my current issues!

I had a handful of questions I wanted to ask FH but was afraid they weren't appropriate to discuss while we were engaged but after "lurking" here I worked up the courage to ask all my questions last night. My first few questions were more emotionally charged and the end of our discussion were more "curiosity/expectations" questions. I asked FH if he was physically attracted to me. I'm 5 ft 1 in tall and weigh about 250 so I'm a pretty big lady. I was afraid this question would be hurtful so I tried to soften the blow by telling him I realize he may not understand why I would ask this question and think the answer should be obvious. I could tell by his face it was hurtful anyway. He assured me he was very attracted to me and then he asked me why I would ask him that. So I told him it was because out of our entire relationship he has only told me I was attractive on our first date and then he did complement my hair once. He told me that the reason for this was because in Highschool guys would only tell a girl she was beautiful to get with her and so he made it a habit of not complementing physical appearance to avoid looking like he was just trying to get with a girl. He apologized and said he honestly didn't realize this habit was so engrained that he hadn't told me he liked how I looked.

Anyway that led to my second question with him which was about my weight, now armed with the knowledge that my fiance was attracted to me I wanted to know how my weight would affect him on our wedding night. I told him I was afraid it would be an issue that after seeing me naked he wouldn't be attracted anymore. He told me he didn't think that it would and that he didn't want me to be insecure on our wedding night because of this fear and that he loves me. My fear runs deep because he reassurances haven't assured me. I'm afraid my weight will not only be unattractive but completely gross him out. He asked if that helped and I was honest and said I was still afraid. He told me that he understood. He said my insecurities are based on this worlds false sense of beauty but he understands that it's not something I can just turn off automatically.

so here's for question number 1
How realistic is my fear? I know my FH loves me and he's assured me when I've brought up my weight in the beginning of our dating relationship that it wasn't a factor for him. But how can he know that he will still be attracted to me without having seen me? Part of my fear is because I don't want to just be married and have him accept my flaws because he "has" to. I want my body to be pleasing to him! I want to please him when we are married as fully as I can. I'm afraid my weight will ruin that.
I've tried desperately to lose weight but because I have severe asthma and a very low immune system I have a hard time getting any real weight loss accomplished. FH is supportive in healthy dieting and encouraging me to excercise when I am able but has NEVER pushed dieting or exercise as a requirement of me.


Wedding night concerns!

So on top of all that I'm also really afraid that IC is going to trigger abuse memories that I don't know I have. I've shared this with FH and he has been encouraging and understanding and reminded me of what our counselor told us. That if that should happen to remember that FH is my husband at that point and not my attacker. The memories I do have of my CSA are mild compared to some others abuse but still soul damaging. I'm afraid of memories I don't know I have, around the time of the abuse that I do remember I have huge gaps of no memories at all. Several years worth of lost memories starting from when I was very young 2-3 years old( I have a few vague memories of abuse from that age) all the way until I was about 15. I can clearly remember most things from 15 on. If I have forgotten a family event if someone describes a certain activity or maybe reminds me of the location it's enough to jog my memory but there have been ALOT of things from my earlier childhood that no matter how detailed the description of the outing or event I cannot remember. So I'm scared I suffered more abuse than I'm aware. I am by no means wanting to pursue my locked up memories I'm just afraid they may surface on the wedding night :/

We've agreed to go as far as we are both comfortable on the wedding night we have neither agreed not to have IC nor pursue it as the end all goal of the night which has relieved much pressure from me!

OS question

So I also discussed with FH if he had any objections to OS in our marriage. His response was, I don't want to do anything you aren't comfortable with. LOL He's sweet and I appreciate it but I wanted to know what his feelings were on the topic. He said he wasn't opposed (but didn't seem like it was something he's thought a whole lot about either) Anyway his only reluctance was related to a comment our counselor made saying that hygiene may be a concern for OS as mouths are very dirty he even went on to say that maybe some mouthwash beofrehand should be in order for couples who do engage in OS. Do you think this was a joke on the part of our counselor or is this a legitimate concern we should be aware of when pursuing OS? From what I have read on this forum it seems most couples objections concerning hygiene are concerned with our private areas being clean prior to engaging in OS not with germs from the mouth contaminating those aforementioned private areas.
I'm actually really looking forward to OS as part of our LM'ing (giving and receiving) and this concerns me if our counselor was joking that it's put a reservation in FH's mind that wouldn't have been there otherwise. Please advise!!!

Sorry for the long post!!!
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Re: Overweight, OS, and wedding night jitters

Postby Dgenerous » Sat Apr 12, 2014 7:24 pm

Oh, sweetie! My heart really goes out to you. :) Welcome to TMB! Congratulations on your engagement! I so wish that you and I could sit down and have a chat over coffee.

First of all, I find it completely conceivable that your FH is very attracted to you and it never occurred to him not to be. The longer I live, and the longer I am married, the more I realize that most men just aren't overthinking things like this the way we ladies tend to do.

Secondly, I want to encourage you to keep exploring your inner dialogue regarding the CSA. I work in the fitness industry (bear with me) and I've been privileged to be a part of LOTS of journeys to health and wellness. I would bet my bottom dollar that your health issues are closely linked to the CSA. It is not an uncommon thing. I'm so sorry that happened to you, and I will pray that you find complete and holistic healing from that trauma.
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Re: Overweight, OS, and wedding night jitters

Postby TheTigress » Sat Apr 12, 2014 11:11 pm

Thanks so much for replying :)

I'm so unsure of myself because I was repeatedly told/taught men are visual so being overweight would be a BIG turn off.
I'm so scared my body will not be something he enjoys to see because of the excess weight!

Also about my trouble losing weight and CSA I have wondered off and on if that had anything to do with it and the few times I really was making strides I would either get really sick (I mean bronchitis followed by prolonged asthmatic episodes or even pneumonia) or something else would come up and make it too difficult to continue(emotionally). And I do often have the fear in the back of my head of being sexually assaulted.

I've had two experiences so far with FH that dealt with triggering CSA memories or just fear responses. The first was before we were engaged we were playing with a toy sword I pretended to stab him with it an dr stole it from me. We were bing silly and having fun until I was facing away from him and he held one hand on each end of the sword and held it out in front of me and then started to move it closer to me/ my neck. It's a toy ad we were playing I was in no danger. Yet I was terrified I felt trapped! I quickly responded with a very quiet but stern sounding please stop. I'm sure I sounded pretty freaked out because he responded really quickly.

The other time as when we first experienced open mouth kissing. At times during our 2-3 minute kissing he would kiss me very forcefully and again I was fearful and yet not of him. I was back to being 12 in that moment and well it just wasn't good. I have been able to openly discuss these things with FH and he is very understanding and cooperative. I'm able to tell him without him feeling like I'm upset at him and I'm so grateful bit if I'm experiencing these things now at such a light and innocent level of intimacy what will my wedding night be like????
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Re: Overweight, OS, and wedding night jitters

Postby landschooner » Sun Apr 13, 2014 12:44 am

Dont worry about him being attracted to you. He sees you and picked YOU.
My DW is plus++ size. I pursued her almost 23 years ago. I was over the top attracted to her and I think she is more beautiful and even sexier now and she is basically the same size then as now. I think she's gorgeous!! I'm not just saying that. (My only complaint in my marriage has been I've wanted to be more sexual with her more often , NOT less!) I picked HER and not just because she had a nice personality (which she did have) she was my best friend but I didn't marry her just for friendship nor would I have. I think physical attraction is VERY important and she is the gorgeous curvaceous woman I chose. I desire her and I love her.

You are a beautiful woman and your fiance picked YOU. I don't know him, but if he is anything like most guys, He sees YOU physically, sexually and personally, and he wants YOU.

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Re: Overweight, OS, and wedding night jitters

Postby Dgenerous » Sun Apr 13, 2014 1:50 am

The idea that men are visual is entirely compatible with the idea that your husband will desire you sexually. I think in most cases "men are visual" can be boiled down to a male internal dialogue about as sophisticated as "whoa... Boobs". I know that is very hard if not impossible for you to believe. It would have been for me at your phase of life. ;) But I hope you'll remember my saying it, and that you'll purpose in your heart to take your FH at his word.
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Re: Overweight, OS, and wedding night jitters

Postby Husband_In_Training » Sun Apr 13, 2014 4:55 am

I have a theory that if we could, for a moment, see ourself through the eyes of everyone else it would change our life.

As others have mentioned, men are pretty simple creatures when it comes to attraction. My DW has a similar attitude to you about her weight and appearance and for our entire marriage I've been trying to convince her of how beautiful she is to me. In the end, for me, it really comes down to her attitude about sex. If she would be even slightly aggressive sexually, I would be In heaven. Bout her attitude about her weight has been a thorn in our marriage.

I don't care about her weight, I want a wife that says "Hey big boy come and get some of this" Now that's attractive...

Don't let all of that hang you up. When he says you are beautiful, believe him. Then get on with the intimate life God intended for you to have in your marriage!

For what it's worth, my wife has jumped into the Paleo lifestyle with both feet, and is doing fantastic. (She has all sorts of chronic health issues that keep her from losing weight). Might be worth a look. I think the guy who wrote the book is named Rob Wolfe.

Blessings to your upcoming marriage!

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Re: Overweight, OS, and wedding night jitters

Postby my_beloveds » Sun Apr 13, 2014 5:32 am

Dgenerous wrote: I think in most cases "men are visual" can be boiled down to a male internal dialogue about as sophisticated as "whoa... Boobs".


Pretty much.
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Re: Overweight, OS, and wedding night jitters

Postby beautyfromashes » Sun Apr 13, 2014 6:04 am

I think everyone's given you great advice on the weight question. I don't think I can add anything to that part.

I wanted to chime in on the OS question.

No. I don't think you need to be super-concerned about germs during OS. Yes, mouths are full of germs, but you and your FH plan on kissing, right? I think you're a lot more likely to be spreading germs by kissing than by OS. We've never used mouthwash before or after, and never had any problems.

The only serious caution I've ever heard is that if you have an active cold sore outbreak, you should probably avoid OS, or use protection. I know a few posters here have mentioned OS causing yeast infections, but I don't think that's a terribly common thing.

To be blunt, I think your counselor probably has a bias against OS for some reason, and uses the heath argument to back up that bias. I may be wrong, but that seems to be the case. I'd recommend doing the study Intimacy Ignited together. It's a really good study on Song of Solomon and what God says about sex.
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Re: Overweight, OS, and wedding night jitters

Postby ledgemoor » Sun Apr 13, 2014 6:06 am

Congratulations on you upcoming wedding!

I want to address your oral sex question. This is for your fh more than you so please pass it on.

I'm sure your counselor was using hyperbole to make the point that our sex organs are not dirty. I have never heard of anyone actually using mouthwash just prior to os. We never have. Just follow your normal dental hygene routine and you will be fine :-).

By all means, do try oral sex on your wife. You will find it to be very enjoyable, intimate, and a huge turn-on. God made that area very rich in pheromones.

I was like you before we married. You hear all the crude jokes about women smelling bad down there. I didn't believe that, but didn't know that it smells good either. DW wasn't comfortable with it, so we didn't do it for years. But as I grew to love her more, learned about pheromones and what Song of Solomon said about os, I really wanted to do it. DW finally came around and we both enjoy it, albeit me more than her. All those wasted years....

So go for it! If you both don't have any negative emotions about it and don't enjoy it or would rather spend your time doing something else, then that's ok I suppose. But I'll bet you will love it!

Finally, while it is good that you don't expect your wife to do anything she is uncomfortable with, sex and life in general is about growth. You should both be willing to reach beyond your comfort zones in pleasing your spouse. Generously is the key :-)
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Re: Overweight, OS, and wedding night jitters

Postby TheTigress » Sun Apr 13, 2014 11:56 am

Thank you so much to everyone!!!

I feel a lot more comfortable about the weight issue. :D Since several of you have pointed out that the wife's attitude toward sex and her own body is more troubling that what she looks like I will definitely work on my own attitude. I'm looking forward to sex and was just concerned I would be a turn off. I spoke with FH and showed him some of the replies and he agrees. So I'm going to do my best to be confidant and enjoy sex to it's fullest. :D Of course I'm still going to be a bit nervous I don't think that aspect can be fully removed going into the first time but so much of my fears and issues have been worked out over the past couple months that I know the wedding night will be great!

As far as OS apparently the hygiene thing wasn't so much a concern or reservation at all just a "we should think about that part" Not a I don't know that I want to do that.
So I'm quite happy about that!

I'm still more than a little concerned about triggering abuse memories but I know that worrying about it won't help. I know that FH is very loving and patient and that should that occur we can work through it.
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Re: Overweight, OS, and wedding night jitters

Postby seeking perspective » Sun Apr 13, 2014 12:37 pm

It might be helpful for the two of you to talk about how to handle those triggers. How will you let him know that you are struggling? If you suddenly feel particularly anxious and can't find the words, what can your husband ask to confirm that you are have a difficult moment? What strategies can you have in place to move past the moment? I am a rape survivor, and there is one thing in particular that is a trigger. My husband knows that in certain circumstances, I need him to ask me if I'm doing okay before proceeding. Some women find self-talk helpful. Reminding yourself that this is your husband, that being sexual with your husband is a gift from God, and so on can help you cope with triggers.

Don't worry about it, but expect that it will be an issue and plan some strategies for responding when it does. You may even want him to check in with you during the first few months to ask specifically what things have been more problematic for you to handle. Keep the subject in the open.

As for the weight issue, I am "extra beautiful" myself. Most of the weight came after our wedding, but I have absolutely no doubt that my husband finds me incredibly sexy. Every bountiful bit of me is for him, and he knows it. After you're married, your husband will associate your body with extreme pleasure and will find you more beautiful than you can imagine.
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Re: Overweight, OS, and wedding night jitters

Postby TheTigress » Sun Apr 13, 2014 2:02 pm

seeking perspective wrote:Some women find self-talk helpful. Reminding yourself that this is your husband, that being sexual with your husband is a gift from God, and so on can help you cope with triggers.

Don't worry about it, but expect that it will be an issue and plan some strategies for responding when it does. You may even want him to check in with you during the first few months to ask specifically what things have been more problematic for you to handle. Keep the subject in the open.



I'm sure I will use self-talk to try and get me through anything that is triggering that I think I can maybe talk myself through. So I'll probably employ that as my first line of defense. As far is anything I think I can't get through I do think we should put some strategies in place so thank you for the suggestion! I hadn't really thought about planning that out other than just being prepared mentally that it may occur. There's other areas in our relationship where we have developed "code words" and I think this might be the best course of action. I'm alot more sensitive to physical touch than he is and so something he thinks is perfectly acceptable can be something that just makes it way to hard for me to stay pure in actions and in thought. I would ask him to stop something and he just thought it was playful banter LOL so we developed our code phrase so that I wouldn't have to be tempted beyond what I could handle!

Anyway since this is a strategy we already implement in other areas of our relationship I don't think it would be difficult to use it in these situations should they arise.

Question for you Seeking Perspective or others that have experience CSA or any other sexual abuse/assualt[/b]

Have you told your spouse of your attack in detail? Does he know all that happened or just an overview? Our counselor said it's not really necessary to discuss all the "gory details" with each other that it's not particularly helpful but that I should always feel able to say when something is bothering me because of the CSA. If you have discussed it was it helpful for your spouse or did it just add burden to them knowing exactly what happened to you?
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Re: Overweight, OS, and wedding night jitters

Postby seeking perspective » Sun Apr 13, 2014 2:23 pm

Beauty4Ashes10 wrote:Question for you Seeking Perspective or others that have experience CSA or any other sexual abuse/assualt
Have you told your spouse of your attack in detail? Does he know all that happened or just an overview? Our counselor said it's not really necessary to discuss all the "gory details" with each other that it's not particularly helpful but that I should always feel able to say when something is bothering me because of the CSA. If you have discussed it was it helpful for your spouse or did it just add burden to them knowing exactly what happened to you?


Although gory details may not be necessary, I think it is important for a spouse to be aware of things that were traumatic and may be triggers for you (although you may not even know what will be a trigger until you have a sexual relationship with him). If being held forcefully is an issue for you, then your husband needs to know that, for instance.

My husband knows everything. Of course, a one-occasion assault that took place after I was an adult and was not my first sexual experience is probably easier to talk about than something that happened multiple times over a period of years during childhood. What I stressed in the telling was the most pertinent fact, which is that I awoke to the rape. Because I had been asleep, I needed to know that my husband would not attempt anything sexual while I was sleeping. If he really wanted to have sex in the middle of the night, I needed him to fully waken me first.

A husband can be a partner to his wife's healing. There have been a few times when we have planned in advance that my husband would try something in the middle of the night. Knowing ahead of time, I still have a moment of panic, but then I remind myself that it is my husband and that we planned this activity. Although I still have an instant of panic, it isn't as severe as it once was, and it doesn't last as long.
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Re: Overweight, OS, and wedding night jitters

Postby CandC320 » Sun Apr 13, 2014 3:21 pm

Let me add that some men are strongly attracted to Big Beautiful Women! In fact, some of them have become upset when their BBWs have lost weight. After 50 years of marriage and 3 pregnancies later, my DW has put on a few pounds that she would like to shed. But she is more attractive to me today than when we first met. If you want to try and lose weight for your self, health etc., fine. But don't believe your FH finds you unattractive. He chose you the way you are now, right? As for OS, I don't know any man who would not be excited about his wife offering that!
Best wishes and prayers for your wedding and marriage!

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Re: Overweight, OS, and wedding night jitters

Postby TheTigress » Sun Apr 13, 2014 4:18 pm

seeking perspective wrote:
Although gory details may not be necessary, I think it is important for a spouse to be aware of things that were traumatic and may be triggers for you (although you may not even know what will be a trigger until you have a sexual relationship with him). If being held forcefully is an issue for you, then your husband needs to know that, for instance.


Thanks that makes sense. I'll definitely pay attention to what I think may be issues and discuss them with FH. :)


A husband can be a partner to his wife's healing. There have been a few times when we have planned in advance that my husband would try something in the middle of the night. Knowing ahead of time, I still have a moment of panic, but then I remind myself that it is my husband and that we planned this activity. Although I still have an instant of panic, it isn't as severe as it once was, and it doesn't last as long.


Thanks for the example! I don't want my fears or issues to automatically equal a refusal of that act or that circumstance. I'm willing to work on things if it's something FH really wants to do or would really enjoy I don't want to deny that. I don't want him to think that just because I needed to back off from something in the moment that it can never happen again. I know its possible that I may not be able to work something out but I want to try definitely if issues do come up. If it's something I just can't do I'm sure there are ways I can make it up :) FH is already so kind and generous to me, I want to be the same for him.
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Re: Overweight, OS, and wedding night jitters

Postby TheTigress » Sun Apr 13, 2014 4:26 pm

CandC320 wrote:Let me add that some men are strongly attracted to Big Beautiful Women! In fact, some of them have become upset when their BBWs have lost weight. After 50 years of marriage and 3 pregnancies later, my DW has put on a few pounds that she would like to shed. But she is more attractive to me today than when we first met. If you want to try and lose weight for your self, health etc., fine. But don't believe your FH finds you unattractive. He chose you the way you are now, right? As for OS, I don't know any man who would not be excited about his wife offering that!
Best wishes and prayers for your wedding and marriage!

DH



Thank you for your encouragement! After a follow-up conversation and having showed FH some of the replies he agreed with, he again told me that it's cultures definition of beauty that says you have to be this this and that. and then He said, "I mean most guys don't even like that! If you ask a guy did he want to be with some stick-figure model most of them will say no. Somebody that skinny just isn't attractive" While I don't think 100% of my fear will be resolved until after we are married and I see his reaction to me, I feel a whole lot better!

Now I realize that skinny may be attractive to some but what I think FH meant was that the images culture says are attractive aren't even real and aren't even healthy so at least for him and quite likely for many others it isn't attractive.

Now I'm working on my attitude towards my body and looking for some plus-size lingerie that I will feel confidant in for our wedding night and marriage :D
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Re: Overweight, OS, and wedding night jitters

Postby Dgenerous » Sun Apr 13, 2014 4:50 pm

That's a great attitude!

Regarding what to tell your spouse--like SP, my experience was a one time sexual assault in high school. I've never sat my husband down and told him everything. He knows the rough outline of what occurred, and it became necessary to inform him of specific sex acts that were involved. I have no idea if your experience will be anything like mine, especially if your abuse was ongoing. But there were quite a few times in the early days of our marriage when I would be triggered. Over time that has decreased dramatically.

I careened headlong into the things that made me panicky or shut down after a couple years. In retrospect I'm not sure it was the healthiest thing for me (something to discuss with your counselor), but I deliberately sought out those activities (OS on him, for example) as a way of feeling empowered/taking something back from my abusers. Having things I couldn't do felt like stronghold in my life.

That said, when I was triggered, my husband always knew--at least in the early days when my reaction was more severe. We just stopped everything immediately and he was always very understanding about that. For me smells have always been a big factor, so not all the times I have had those problems have been in a sexual context.

Again, I have absolutely no idea if this will be helpful, and I want to be careful not to indicate that you should just tough it out if you are feeling triggered. For me it was an immediate stop, but I always came back to it on *another occasion*.
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Re: Overweight, OS, and wedding night jitters

Postby TheTigress » Sun Apr 13, 2014 6:58 pm

Dgenerous wrote:
Again, I have absolutely no idea if this will be helpful, and I want to be careful not to indicate that you should just tough it out if you are feeling triggered. For me it was an immediate stop, but I always came back to it on *another occasion*.


Thanks for you advice. I didn't really want to go through all the details but it would be helpful I was willing. Since it seems you both have had good experience with loving husbands but not having to tell all the details I think I'll stick with what he already knows unless I need to explain why something is triggering for me.


I think that's reasonable though stopping then but trying on another occasion with some preparation. Just knowing that he is okay with that makes me feel confidant and comfortable to try things out.
Together or not at all- Amy Pond

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robin
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Re: Overweight, OS, and wedding night jitters

Postby robin » Mon Apr 14, 2014 7:08 am

Beauty, welcome to TMB and congrats on your engagement.

Please accept HUGE kudos from me for you getting into counseling BEFORE marriage and dealing with as much as possible, that is a very, very good thing and I am really praying that God will bless your efforts within your marriage and in your life. I too am a sexual abuse/assault survivor from both childhood and adolescence and am sorry to hear that you were abused as well. I sought help through a counseling in my early 20's (I'm 41 now) and have been living in victory over sexual abuse for getting close to 20 years now with a passionate, satisfying sex life at the heart of what dh and I feel is a very solid marriage.

Some of what I say is going to sound more clinical than the others abuse survivors on here. Part of my journey to healing was submersing myself in everything I could learn about sex offenders and survivors, what makes each the way they are, what were the missteps in upbringing or missed cues if there were any; what happens to the survivors, what do the survivors do to heal. It's just stuff I had to know and since I know I try to share. So I'm going to chuck a lot clinical stuff at you where SP and D spoke more to the heart. But it doesn't mean I don't have one.

I'm going to address something with the weight (something I never do!) that may or may not hit the mark. If it doesn't fit then dismiss it, it didn't hit the mark with me until years and years I first heard it but when it did it hit me like a Mack Truck. Here goes. Many abuse survivors become overweight, even subconsciously in an effort to make themselves less attractive to potential predators, they will even be at a healthy weight before marriage and gain AFTER marriage in an effort to deter their spouse from sex. Add to the elements of emotional eating as a means of comfort or boredom and eating just to keep your mind off dealing with abuse. There are also people who gain weight (again subconsciously) because they are seeking to hide the genital area, even from themselves. For any or all of those reasons the extra weight becomes like body armor. For me personally, giving birth to my first child, a girl, is where I started putting on weight. I had been so careful through pregnancy to eat properly but once that was over it was over. I didn't know why I was doing it at the time, but in hindsight I get it.

But the thing is, the weight isn't protecting you from anything. Predators don't care about size or level of attractiveness, they care about access and weakness.

My counselor tried to touch on this issue eons ago and I brushed him off. So when this really hit home for me was about 9 years ago when my husband and I took in a teenage brother and sister who were removed from a relatives home because another relative had been sexually abusing the girl and her female cousin in addition to hitting the boys. The teenage girl wouldn't shower, wear deodorant, brush her teeth or take care of her hair. If she did shower she would to put her dirty clothes back on, clothes that fit her about as well as trash bag and gave her zero shape. I also couldn't get her to quit eating and she already fairly overweight. In one of our many, many talks I confronted the weight and hygiene and she admitted it was rooted in self protection/preservation. I asked her if it worked in keeping her relative at bay and she admitted it didn't. Then we had a talk about spending energy on things that don't serve you in the end vs spending that energy on things that do. Once that talk was done and I saw our short term foster daughter start to make some positive changes I had to look at myself. I had hovered between 230-250 since my first child was born, I knew my husband didn't care what I weighed (and oh do I ever believe it) but why keep it around? The weight wasn't serving me anymore, even after shutting off transmission to my FREAK RADAR**(more later) I still had and still have the occasional scary incident of someone paying too much attention in a store and following me around or a nasty man making crude comments at me and leering at me in a convenience store. It didn't matter what I weighed, predators are predators. Once I really and truly got that I was free. Unfortunately PCOS, multiple surgeries for a back and leg injury and some hormone issues pretty much assured that the weight I put on so easily didn't want to come off and if it did then it brought friends when it moved back in. A little over a year ago I started changing how I ate, eating only when hungry, then eating slowly and stopping when I was no longer hungry. As of last week I've lost 84 pounds. I'm still overweight according to most charts and if God wills it then I will lose a bit more but if he doesn't that's okay too. My husband loves me and finds me just as sexy now as he did 84 pounds ago and as he did when I young and average sized. What's more, I know I'm sexy because my sexiest asset is between my ears, it's not what's on my chest or bum or between my legs. Sure all that is great, but what makes it sexy is that ALL of it is offered willingly and enthusiastically.

So yes, men are visual. And when a man sees a woman he loves offering ALL of herself to him freely he sees nothing but BEAUTY! So no. You really don't NEED the weight anymore, but if wants to stick around please don't let it hinder you. It will only become an issue in your marriage if YOU let it.

Second thing I want to get to is the repeated mention of fears. Fear of triggers, fear of having the wedding night messed up because of your past, fear of repressed memories coming to the surface etc. I will agree with the others that having a strategy in place is a good idea. I used positive self talk "This is my husband, this is safe, this is good etc" extensively and it was a lifesaver for me especially to stay in the moment. You've got a good plan, but I still see tons of fear and I think it's best to be proactive with that. Please get yourself enrolled in the soonest Women's Defense Class and any type of martial art that you can get into asap. Therapy is good and great but self defense class will help you in ways you can't imagine so find something tomorrow. Heck you are on a college campus, there should be lots to choose from. Yes, if you have been reading in the abuse section you will see that I recommend self defense class for most everyone. But that's because it works! Kick boxing, karate, tai chi (fairly easy on the body). krav maga you name it all works the same magic on your brain. Especially with what have going on. Right now you are riddled with fear. And what do we do when have fear? Flight or fight. Flight can be anything, whether it's going somewhere else in your head, shutting down a situation as with the toy sword and the kissing or just flat out running away. Fighting can be anything. Once you train that fight instinct you are more likely to stay and power through whatever triggered you. It also makes you feel mentally and physically stronger and helps you get YOUR power back! It makes you more aware of your surroundings, helps you to read people better and makes you feel so much safer. But the best part of self defense class is that it removes that big freaking invisible tattoo on your forehead that says VICTIM, which most csa survivors sport. That's the freak radar thing I was talking about earlier. Get your freak radar not pinging is far more effective in dealing with your fear, helping you with your triggers, getting you to move forward in confidence AND learning that you are beautiful no matter what you weigh. Self defense class helps move that along faster.

While you are working on the Wounded Heart be rest assured, as soon as you done with the book your anxiety level should go down sufficiently. It's so graphic and cuts so deep[ that it's a harsh read. It's a good book and helpful but yikes it's a lot of rough work.

Details you share are up to you. My DH knows there is an open door if he ever wants specifics for the generalities he already knows.

Okay, that's it! Laundry is calling! BBL
Biting is excellent! It's like kissing only there's a winner! - Idris

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Re: Overweight, OS, and wedding night jitters

Postby TheTigress » Mon Apr 14, 2014 11:48 am

robin wrote:Beauty, welcome to TMB and congrats on your engagement.

....

But the thing is, the weight isn't protecting you from anything. Predators don't care about size or level of attractiveness, they care about access and weakness.

...
So yes, men are visual. And when a man sees a woman he loves offering ALL of herself to him freely he sees nothing but BEAUTY! So no. You really don't NEED the weight anymore, but if wants to stick around please don't let it hinder you. It will only become an issue in your marriage if YOU let it.
....

Once you train that fight instinct you are more likely to stay and power through whatever triggered you. It also makes you feel mentally and physically stronger and helps you get YOUR power back! It makes you more aware of your surroundings, helps you to read people better and makes you feel so much safer. But the best part of self defense class is that it removes that big freaking invisible tattoo on your forehead that says VICTIM, which most csa survivors sport.


While you are working on the Wounded Heart be rest assured, as soon as you done with the book your anxiety level should go down sufficiently. It's so graphic and cuts so deep[ that it's a harsh read. It's a good book and helpful but yikes it's a lot of rough work.



Thanks SO MUCH for your response and advice! I know that not being self-concious about my body enough to give myself freely is something I'll have to consciously work on. It's something I've dealt with almost my whole life and so it's a hard thing to just "switch off" but I'm determined not to be that way!

I do think part of my weight issue is CSA related, it's not something that's been in the fore-front of my mind but it's a thought that's crossed my path many times. When I've diligently tried to lose weight I get scared something bad will happen to me.... so yea it's an issue.

I've also wanted to get into a self-defense class or something similar for years! I'll definitely check into soon. My problem with that is money. My FH and I are doing school via Distance Education, although we will be moving back to the town our University is located in when we get married because FH does better with in person classes. So no "Free" classes I can attend right now. Money is really tight but this is something I really want to do so I will discuss with FH and see what he thinks we can work out. Thankfully I can attend counseling for free through the school even though I am a DE (Distance Education) student.

As far as the Wounded Heart is concerned I'm not very far into the book. It's absolutely emotionally exhausting! It's forced me to deal with issues and memories I had pushed aside and purposely ignored for so long. UGH I remember the first day in my counselors office just retelling different things that I hadn't spoken out loud in YEARS. I left that session and met back up with FH and though we had planned to hang with friends that night we just went home instead because I couldn't handle being around anybody (introvert) because I was already completely drained.

Sometimes all I can get through is one question in a day. Some days I just want to give it up and not work through it but counseling and FH have been very encouraging that the pain is worth the healing.
Together or not at all- Amy Pond


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