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How to Measure the Libido/Drive of a Response-Desire Spouse

What science can tell us about sex.
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Link+Zelda
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How to Measure the Libido/Drive of a Response-Desire Spouse

Post by Link+Zelda »

So very early in my time at TMB, I asked one of the regulars here (@SC) how she could/would measure her response-desire libido (it was in this thread). Her answer was good, but the difficulties in making such a measurement have stuck with me these past 10 months, particularly given that we often talk about relative drives frequently even when one spouse possesses a responsive desire.

Now that I've been thinking of ideas for more "quantitative" QOTDs that are almost like polls, this topic has come to the forefront in my mind again. So, does anyone here have suggestions on how to measure the libido of a someone with responsive desire? Many of us must be doing it in some way since we talk HD/LD in marriages with at least one person with responsive desire. I also realize that an answer might be that putting a responsive-desire spouse onto a libido "strength" scale doesn't even make sense, so if you believe that, speak up and say it!

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Re: How to Measure the Libido/Drive of a Response-Desire Spouse

Post by SeekingChange »

Maybe since that question, I have thought about this more.... I believe my "responsive desire" overrides any "sexual drive". What I mean by this, and this could be majorly personality driven, no matter where my husband is on the sex drive scale, I will always adapt to be lower, as "responsive". When he was low to no drive, I only pursued him sexually for a very short time. After that, it became "if you don't want it, let's not have it." And if I had enough of a sexual itch (drive, not desire) I would handle it myself. My personality is self-sufficient enough, I don't naturally put myself in a place of rejection or "needing" others.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, to find comfort, to survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years... and then she did something new.
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Re: How to Measure the Libido/Drive of a Response-Desire Spouse

Post by Link+Zelda »

Interesting thought. But in this case, we are talking about libido/drive, so the "sexual itch" thing is kind of what I'm asking. Would your frequency of masturbation then be measurement of "drive"?

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Re: How to Measure the Libido/Drive of a Response-Desire Spouse

Post by sd595 »

I'm not sure you can Scott.  If it is a responsive thing, then can it really have a frequency on its own?  Maybe a frequency of its own if the responsive component was removed, but then it isn't the same question.  So that leads to the question, does it matter?  It is a complete system that involves the responsive component.
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Re: How to Measure the Libido/Drive of a Response-Desire Spouse

Post by SongOfAngels »

Ummm, what about one that has BOTH like i do? I'm both HD and LD depending on what my body feels like doing.  So i wouldn't know how to measure that at all. For instance the last week i sometimes would want an O twice a day (i do this myself, alas my husband is suffering and i just go with HIS schedule) and then i'll go for a couple weeks where, meh...if he wanted it it would be responsive desire from me. I would still O, though.
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Re: How to Measure the Libido/Drive of a Response-Desire Spouse

Post by Olorin »

This is a tricky question for the reason you suggest; my DW is responsive desire and we engage in sexual activity based more or less solely on my desires (I am HD), which does not give her 'libido' much of a change to be detectable. I would still imagine that 'libido' for a responsive desire spouse could be quantified by determining the frequency they would prefer in the absence of requests from the HD spouse.
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Re: How to Measure the Libido/Drive of a Response-Desire Spouse

Post by Brynna »

Since I have only a responsive desire, I have no idea how I would measure my own libido. I know sex is very important in a marriage, and I believe I am sex positive. I know I always have a good time, I don't struggle with O'ng. I never dread sex anymore like I did years ago and I sometimes initiate. My DH is wonderful. But the fact is I never feel horny. We don't have sex because I feel like it. If I ever mb, its not because I feel like it, its because I know DH is in a busy time and likely won't be in til late. (I take 'use it or lose it' quite seriously.) I sometimes wonder how long we could go without sex until I had a desire for it. At the lowest time in our marriage, after a couple weeks without sex, I would have a dream where we were trying to have sex, but it wasn't working, or it turned out to be a public place, etc. Than I would know that my body needed it. So I can't even gauge it by how often I would like to mb.

I had a conversation about sex with someone just recently. She is at a busy stage in life with several small children. She said sometimes she gets so horny she wants sex right now. I can't say that I have EVER felt that in all our marriage. I can't even begin to imagine that!
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Re: How to Measure the Libido/Drive of a Response-Desire Spouse

Post by Wheat48 »

Hmmm...this is tough to answer. Most of the time responsive drive is never given the chance to find their “level” of drive because activity is driven by the HD spouse.  I know you can be HD and responsive, but it seems to be more common to be LD and responsive.

This would have been way too hard to evaluate at other times in our marriage, but now that we are both in a healthier place, I would say I don’t like to go longer than 3 days without having sex.  What is motivating me is the desire for connection, not a physical drive.  We have had several years of re-wiring, and now sex has different associations with it.   Overall, sex is no longer something that is emotionally painful, and scary (a few small exceptions, which I have posted on here about).  Instead sex is continuing to be something I associate with feeling close to my husband and something pleasurable.

I also have worked to make sexual flirting a natural part of our daily life, so we are having some kind of sexual interactions every day.  I think this builds to a natural conclusion of sex and keeps me pushing towards that connection.  If we get to three days with no sex, and it feels odd now.  Again though, this nothing about a physical drive/horniness, but emotional desire for fun, connection and even an emotional desire for pleasure with my husband 

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