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What Effects Have You Seen from "Purity Culture"?

Any sexual problems or difficulties not listed in a specific section.
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Re: What Effects Have You Seen from

Post by LBD »

It was like he was able to make responsible decisions or something! :o
I don’t know anything about “purity culture”, but I do know that the above is true. That is what should be taught. Along with the potential consequences and the certain ones. One of the problems with teaching kids about sex is that is almost always being taught by someone with a less than perfect sex life themselves, sometimes even a sexual train wreck.

I do however see a problem with some of the things recently said here. Sin does have negative consequences, and premarital sex is sin. You don’t wait until after the child touches the stove to tell them it’s hot. But a hot stove does have some very useful and beneficial aspects. The proper education illustrates both. It’s all about proper use. Even then, you might burn your biscuits (I burned my pancakes this morning :x ) As in most things in life, there must be balance taught. It does seem the “purity culture” teaching was out of balance. But there must be some level of the truth of sin taught to children (and adults) or we are not being responsible parents and teachers. It doesn’t take a very in depth study in Proverbs to see how detrimental sexual sin is. Nowhere does it say “if you go down to the harlot, it’s ok, you’ll be fine, you can still feel like a virgin or like you never committed adultery.” Doesn’t say that at all. It about choices and consequences.

That being said, any sin can be forgiven the repentant washed in the blood Christian. And as far as God is concerned, it will be gone from you as far as “the east is from the west”, in the view of eternity. But on this earth, there will be consequences from sin that no man or woman can completely avoid. God would have us avoid the sin. “That stove is hot, it will burn you!” I’d rather slap my child’s hand away than have them learn the hard way.

I’m not a woman, obviously, but I take umbrage at one particular thing Dovegrey said:
the sex that you finally have with the man who truly loves and cherishes you as a husband should will be so far different than what the manipulator did to you that it will feel like virgin sex
No, no it won’t. Bad burns leave bad scars. It will not be the same. It will feel different, yes. Better, most likely. Emotionally secure….maybe, hopefully. But “like virgin sex” with a chosen spouse? No way. You can’t un-fire a gun. Yes you can heal, you can receive grace for sin and be loved by God and others. But you also have to live with your choices - good and bad. That fact is not being taught in today’s culture. There is a hell, and a God with the power to send you there. Jesus taught more about hell than heaven. But His and the apostle’s teaching in whole was “you don’t have to go there, even though you deserve to.” Grace should be taught, but not grace only. Many find it hard to see there is a balance of grace and action.

Sex and it’s consequences must be taught - the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful. God’s way must be advocated every time, because it works every time. Do you believe that? I do. That’s why I was washed in His blood to have all those sins that would have kept me out of heaven taken away. It’s why I strive to walk in the light, where He is, so that blood will keep me clean by His grace. It’s why I strive not to sin, but if I do sin, I know I have an advocate with the father. But do I continue in sin so that grace may abound? Heaven forbid.

We must be careful not to swing the pendulum so far from the “purity culture” imbalance so as to throw the balance off the other direction. There are ditches on both sides of the road.

I had sex multiple times with multiple women before marriage. I have wished thousands of times that I had not done so. It was all my choosing, and my consequences. Yes, sex with my wife was/is good. But I can never have that “first time” connection with her. I still remember the first time I had sex like it was yesterday. I wish that had been with my wife. I’d give most anything to un-fire that gun. I have “taken” the virginity of more than one woman. “Taken” is not the right verb, as they were completely choosing it as well, yet I still wish it had not happened. Now that I have grown and learned the truth for myself, I have taught my children God’s intentions for them and why it’s best. They don’t yet know their mother and I had premarital sex, but they know I did and they know I wish I hadn’t and they know it caused issues with us. I told them those things of my own volition. It’s up to my wife to share her story if she wants. My wife wishes she had not capitulated with my push for premarital sex, yet she has since forgiven herself (took years) and feels no hypocrisy in speaking against pre-marital sex, nor do I. I speak from a place of experience from my own poor judgement.

I’m sure there would have been some problems with sex even if we had both entered marriage as virgins, but they would NOT have been issues of comparison, guilt, memories of sinful pleasure or expectations. Those, among others, would have been avoided. My wife would have never thought if she didn’t have sex with me, she’d lose me. That feeling carried over into our marriage, and backfired on us.

I guess my bottom-line issue is that it seems the idea of purity in The Lord is being swept under the rug along with the man-made “purity culture program.” Purity in the Lord absolutely must be sought and pursued. Period.
It is usually futile to try to talk facts and analysis to people who are enjoying a sense of moral superiority in their ignorance. -Thomas Sowell
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Re: What Effects Have You Seen from

Post by SeekingChange »

You make a lot of good points @LBD. This statement/truth is what came to mind when I read @DG's post and it fits what you are saying too:

All things are redeemable.

It doesn't mean you will receive back what you lost, but something broken will be made new and beautiful.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, to find comfort, to survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years... and then she did something new.
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Re: What Effects Have You Seen from

Post by DoveGrey »

There are so many good points here, but I need to say this:

I want to clarify that the relationship from my first post is an abusive one, not one where the idea of waiting was put aside because of lust. It does not involve consent, but rather extreme pressure put upon a woman who is already so manipulated that she is no longer herself. My intent with that was to show the myriad women in that situation that it does not define you. Neither does it need to stay with you. It only has as much power over you as you choose to give it.

I wrote it because we often do have this notion that it's black and white, and that's so damaging to a woman in that situation. It is used against women in horrible ways. And so I reiterate to my target audience of abused women who need assurance that they are not permanently "ruined" - the sex that you finally have with the husband who is showing you pure love - absolutely it will be like your first time. Why? Because virginity does not equal purity. Because it's the first time you will give of yourself willingly. It will be the first time that you will freely share that intimacy with someone who knows what true love is. That gift is what is precious.

My target audience - the lurkers who just want that assurance. I see you. I am you. And you are not broken.
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