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Men: Frontal Hugs With Females

What limits should we set before marriage?
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EB
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Men: Frontal Hugs With Females

Post by EB »

I would like some input from men and women, but especially from the men.  What do you think about hugging women you are not married to?  Do frontal hugs bother you?  Are you able to feel the female’s breasts, and if so, does that lead to lust? 


What are your thoughts on a couple, engaged but saving themselves for marriage, seeking to make it to the wedding day free from lust, saving their first kiss for their marriage ceremony... but holding each other in LONG frontal hugs?


Thanks for your input. 

hoosier52
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Re: Men: Frontal Hugs With Females

Post by hoosier52 »

No frontal hugs except for my wife and maybe immediate family members. If it's a family member, I still don't embrace them like I do my wife. There will be space between us.

I enjoy hugging my wife from behind more from behind than I do from the front.

If I "hug" any other female, it's always from the side and an arm around the shoulder. It is rare, however that I do that.
hoosier52
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Re: Men: Frontal Hugs With Females

Post by hoosier52 »

Looks like I am in the definite minority on this. I do the above because I DON'T trust myself (Proverbs 28:26  - He that trusteth in his own heart is a fool: but whoso walketh wisely, he shall be delivered.) and I don't want to put myself in a vulnerable position (Romans 13:14  - But put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, to fulfill the lusts thereof.)

Paul gave us warnings on this for good reason (1 Corinthians 7:1 - Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.) The same word for touch is used in Matthew 6:3 , "And Jesus put forth his hand, and touched him, saying, I will; be thou clean. And immediately his leprosy was cleansed."

Never underestimate the power of this stinking flesh (Romans 7:18 - For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing).

I'm of the same opinion as VP Mike Pence. I always avoid being alone with a woman I am not married to. Even if nothing happens, all someone has to do is make an accusation and you are automatically presumed guilty and it could cause devastating consequences. For me, I want to always err on the side of caution.

Not trying to be judgmental, just explaining further my conviction on this. God bless.
EB
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Re: Men: Frontal Hugs With Females

Post by EB »

Absolutely!  My husband has the same convictions (I described in the long update to this post I wrote earlier).  Our marriage comes before ministry.  It makes me feel very special to know that my husband keeps himself for me in so many ways and vice-versa.  And the other thing is not only are we not to trust our own flesh, we really don’t know how the receiving end will perceive our “act of compassion” as people can develop secret crushes.  We are never alone with someone of the opposite sex either – not saying this is for everybody – but when you are in the ministry…. look at what they did to Kavanaugh.  Sorry, but it’s the sad reality.   I know some here will call us Pharisees for these… oh well.  LOL.
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Re: Men: Frontal Hugs With Females

Post by SeekingChange »

My husband is a very expressive person and that includes being a hugger.  I believe the circumstance determines how he hugs, most often it's not a full frontal hug.  In many of his situations, I would guess he is too focused on the situation (why he is hugging) rather than evaluating what he is sensing (feeling.)  His hugging also almost exclusively happens in a non-private area, meaning publicly or with others around, many times I am around also, and it doesn't faze me in the least (with the exception of a few "red flagged" women in 26 years.)

As a woman, there have been certain males that have fully enveloped me in their arms for a hug.  God bless those men, because that kind of comforting, accepting, loving message is exactly what I needed.  One incident that stands out to me is when I was in the midst of burn out, and I visited a church  of a friend of my husbands, whom I was acquainted with.  When he saw me after the service, he knew things weren't okay, his pastor's heart was evident and he was the arms of Christ.  How can we be the arms of Christ when we refuse to hold and embrace, when love calls for it?
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, to find comfort, to survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years... and then she did something new.
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Re: Men: Frontal Hugs With Females

Post by one_woman_man »

In your situation, if you want to reserve all of these things for your wedding day, I would say good on you! It is easy to stumble and be carried away. Setting your own boundaries isn't a guarantee but they definitely are helpful. And it will take vigilance from both of you.

More generally, on the topic of hugging females. I would be labeled as a hugger and so I hug both men and women. Apart from funerals or very sad times, they are usually short and not prolonged. I agree with SC that there are times to express comfort, care, support, etc. with a firm  and warm embrace.

I base my type of hug on the closeness of relationship and on the other person's comfortability with hugging. Frequently when I hug or receive a hug from ladies, it is a side or shoulder hug. But with closer friends it is what you refer to as a frontal hug. Many of those are "^" shaped hugs with no or minimal chest contact. But some, when the female leans in, include chest/breast contact. I don't see those as sexual - though I understand that they could be. (After all the Bible says "holy" kiss!)

I'm not sure what is meant here by a full frontal hug. If it refers to contact from the waist upward, I would say, as I described above, that some are such and I am ok with those. But, if full frontal includes the pressing together of below the belt area, I would not be comfortable doing that with anyone but Mrs. OWM. I do recall at graduation when all of us grads were congratulating each other, receiving a very much a FULL frontal hug from one female classmate. It wasn't so much her breasts that made an impression on me as her hips and  what felt like her mons/pubic bone!
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Re: Men: Frontal Hugs With Females

Post by addicted2her »

I am not a big hugger, other than my wife and kids. I occasionally frontal hug a close female friend from college (mostly because she's a hugger) but it is mostly at her behest (purely platonic) and nearly always in the presence of my wife. There are a couple other of our female friends who I occasionally side hug.
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Re: Men: Frontal Hugs With Females

Post by Happily married »

A long time ago, I was called by the mother of one of the teens in my youth group. Her husband was out of town on business when she received a call that their son had been picked up for shop lifting. She called to ask if I would drive her down to the police station to pick up her son. As I stood in their living room she sobbed as her grief poured out and I just stood their. I wanted to reach out and offer some comfort but didn't. I'm a hugger and as @SC said give hugs as people exit church and are in public. After almost 15 years of ministry in the same church, they are family. Hugs aren't lengthy or tight or awkward. I have never had any red flags (most are senior to me in 70's and 80's). There is a great level of trust. And in answer to your question, yes, breasts can be felt not because of pressing in tight but because, well, a) they are in an obvious position and b) some are just a big larger bosomed, but no, there is no lust.

To comment on your other question about saving your first kiss for the marriage ceremony… but holding each other in LONG frontal hugs, I wonder why the "LONG" frontal hug? Is it because of lust all justifying that at least your saving yourself for the wedding night? Just curious about the motivation behind the prolonged frontal hug.
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Re: Men: Frontal Hugs With Females

Post by newwifenewlife »

I am a hugger and my primary LL is physical touch. I regularly hug men and women publicly who are friends. What kind of hugs? Both side and front hugs, depends on the person, the level of friendship, occasion, comfort, and their "situation" and/or emotions, etc. And as others have mentioned, I'm keenly aware of how I am around those who are in emotional distress, especially if they are single or in a difficult time in their marriage.

Not a fan of the I KISSED DATING GOODBYE/courtship thing (but I always appreciated JobMan's approach on the old TMB board).  On the other hand, having and setting healthy boundaries when dating is critical along with filling one's mind with Scripture and good things (Phil. 4). When DW and I were dating, we were grown adults but we still had to set boundaries and make adjustments as we continued to engagement and marriage. I appreciate the sentiment of not kissing or the "long hugs" but I'm sorry, if someone thinks that is gonna stop one from lusting, I'd like to try some of what that someone is smoking (especially on those hard hormonal weeks, actually LACK OF  hormones is probably more accurate, my wife has due to menopause! Many times simply breathing can bring on some wrath. Haven't experienced it? Don't believe me? Just wait and see.) Lust comes from the heart & mind of the person so physical affection isn't necessarily a direct correlation.

Don't get me wrong, being pure and honorable is a good thing. I didn't kiss any of my dates (defined as went out with 1-2x) I took out as an adult after my divorce or those that I dated (went out 4-8+x over months) until I was intent on what the future would look like with them and that included meeting my youngest son (there is a story or two floating around TMB explaining that standard). I was divorced for 13 yrs and dated 11 of those years. I only kissed my now wife and the one before her (kissed her once and she broke up with me a week later with a txt in the night...weird).

One will never regret being pure and honorable.  My concern would be for those who grew up in that culture and legalistic church situation, especially the women, will they be able to "flip the switch" once they get married and enjoy their sexuality with passion....or will they remained closed to God's design for sexual passion and union in marriage?

Tim
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Re: Men: Frontal Hugs With Females

Post by Tim »

I'm glad you mentioned Jobman. I've thought of him several times since we transitioned to the new board. I couldn't remember his name but greatly miss his perspective.
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