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Feeling "done" with pursuing women.

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HPFord
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Feeling "done" with pursuing women.

Post by HPFord »

Long story short, I was in a 5+ year relationship that required a lot of effort to keep afloat. I was constantly having to pursue her, and put in work to keep things from falling apart due to her pulling away, not being sure, or having emotional breakdowns.

After that experience I had pretty much a 0 tolerance policy. If a girl wasn't sure whether she was interested, I'd pitch her and look for someone who knew what the heck they were about. But, still nothing has worked.

I've started to consider whether my attitude of "this is either happening or it isn't" is an issue. But after the relationship described above, I just don't have the umph to pursue girls who need persistence and time invested with no indication as to if it's going anywhere. But a lot of religious girls need that kind of dogged pursuit before paying attention to someone. Least that's what I see in the movies.

So, I recently met someone really nice. But, they recently got out of a relationship, and don't want to get into another right now. I like them, told them so, and they said they really like being around me, talking to me, and are thinking about whether they want me in their future, but that it's too soon for them for a relationship.

So it seems it's going to take a lot of grinning and bearing it as "friends" for who knows how long till she makes up her mind. I thought about just saying "to hell with it", but I can't stop thinking that she'll end up with whatever guy pursues her through all her... womanishness. Is that true in your experience?

Anyhow, I'm getting depressed, and am beginning to think relationships can just go to hell. I'm sick of dealing with this garbage, of liking someone, and not knowing, liking someone and having hopes dashed... but I don't want to throw away a good opportunity because of baggage from a previous relationship.

Any thoughts?
LuckyInLove
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Re: Feeling "done" with pursuing women.

Post by LuckyInLove »

Five years is a long time to date someone. I’m going to assume you were both adults during that time, or at least late teens when you started. When you say, ‘keep the relationship afloat,’ what exactly do you mean?

From the rest of your post, it sounds as though you are putting the cart before the horse. As though you want to get married so badly, you are putting that expectation on every woman you meet. Can you explain what you mean about religious girls needing persistence and time invested? Because I don’t think most people want to go on a few dates and make a long-term commitment.
David
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Re: Feeling "done" with pursuing women.

Post by David »

Don't trust movies. It's watchable because it's fiction, and if it was an accurate depiction of real life it wouldn't be interesting to watch.

In this specific case, it sounds like the woman you're interested in has recently come out of a relationship and hasn't healed from the emotional scars yet. Give it time and be content with friendship. I expect that over the next few months you'll either grow together or apart.
Frankly, there is no one size fits all advice. I've known people be friends for years before forming a romantic attachment, and I've also known people be married within 18 months of first meeting.
Irnmyk
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Re: Feeling "done" with pursuing women.

Post by Irnmyk »

Look, just because you picked up a hot horseshoe and got burnt once doesn't mean that you never again pick up a horseshoe. It means that the next times you do it, you will do it very carefully - making sure it isn't hot.

If this new attraction is what you seem to think that she is, giving her the time and space to work herself out of her previous relationship could be a good thing.

It can give you time to evaluate her and, if she does have any attraction for you, for you to grow on her.

Frankly, I don't see how you stood a high maintenance relationship as you describe for as long as you did. The one takeaway from that that you can glean is that you don't want to do that again, and if this new one turns out to be another of those high maintenance deals, run, run, run.

To me, some of the better marriage relationships that I have seen are those that begin as friendships first. That's not an ironclad rule, but it is a general observation I've made over time.

Give her time, be yourself, and be prepared to accept what she does with that.

And... a strong second to what @David said about the movies. Find yourself a better pattern to observe - married friends, associates, etc.

I, too, went through a lot of fruitless relationships before I found the one that made me go "throttles to the wall" in pursuit of her - one in particular I remember as you described your prior. I did pursue her that way immediately upon meeting her, but fortunately, since we had known each other and worked with each other for some time, once I did (once I got my mind right), she saw my pursuit as the answer to her prayers for a good man in her life - and the rest of the story is approaching half a century.
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hastentheday
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Re: Feeling "done" with pursuing women.

Post by hastentheday »

I think anyone who has dated awhile will experience the frustrations you have described especially if a bit older. I like all the advice you have been given. However, something that hasn't been mentioned is prayer. I'm assuming here you are a Christ follower. Consider praying for your future spouse right now on a daily basis that God would begin to work in that person's life and that He will lead you to the person that you can serve Him and each other for the rest of your lives. My parents prayed for the person I'm married to all their lives and what a comfort to "know" when that person came into my life. I just knew and my parents were relieved to have their prayers finally answered.
2 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
HPFord
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Re: Feeling "done" with pursuing women.

Post by HPFord »

LuckyInLove wrote: Sun May 09, 2021 5:20 am Five years is a long time to date someone. I’m going to assume you were both adults during that time, or at least late teens when you started. When you say, ‘keep the relationship afloat,’ what exactly do you mean?

From the rest of your post, it sounds as though you are putting the cart before the horse. As though you want to get married so badly, you are putting that expectation on every woman you meet. Can you explain what you mean about religious girls needing persistence and time invested? Because I don’t think most people want to go on a few dates and make a long-term commitment.
We were in our early 20's. I mean that she was a very sensitive, and rather emotional person. So she would get upset very easily, and I would have to calm her down.

Well, if you're not thinking of the other person as a potential marriage partner, why would one date them? I mean that guys tend to know very quickly whether they're into a girl or not, while girls spend a lot of time being unsure. They like to hem and haw, and have the guy pursue them while they make up their mind. That is at least, my impression of some percentage of the women I've spoken to.

Which, kinda rubs me the wrong way, and makes me feel like they're just using me for attention, or stringing me along, given that I knew after a few days whether I was interested in pursuing them or not.
HPFord
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Re: Feeling "done" with pursuing women.

Post by HPFord »

David wrote: Sun May 09, 2021 5:46 am Don't trust movies. It's watchable because it's fiction, and if it was an accurate depiction of real life it wouldn't be interesting to watch.

In this specific case, it sounds like the woman you're interested in has recently come out of a relationship and hasn't healed from the emotional scars yet. Give it time and be content with friendship. I expect that over the next few months you'll either grow together or apart.
Frankly, there is no one size fits all advice. I've known people be friends for years before forming a romantic attachment, and I've also known people be married within 18 months of first meeting.
Yeah I know, the movies line was tongue in cheek ;)

Do you have any advice on how I can keep my emotions in check and be patient? The way I feel often makes me feel compelled to get an answer, cause I feel threatened by the unknown. I hate feeling like things are up in the air, with sense of where they'll land, and it sometimes makes me impatient, or makes me distance myself from the person in question, in an effort to not get hurt. But my doing so damages the development of the relationship, because I become a bit cold and disinterested.

So I guess my question is, how can I continue pursuing her with the ardor that I feel, without becoming discouraged or threatened by her lack of a decision?

Here's a situation example. We've been talking for about a month. Sometimes she'll mention that she's thinking about kissing me, or something like that. Which I take as an expression of interest and a desire for some level of intimacy. But then when she's troubled about something, and I send her a kiss on the head, she scoffs with something like "Ha" and ignores it. She never returns my affection, despite telling me that she has a hard time not thinking about it. Which confuses me, makes me fell like I've misunderstood how she feels about me, and makes me feel emotionally threatened/vulnerable. But then later that night I'll ask what she's thinking about, and she's right back to it. I don't get it.
Last edited by HPFord on Tue May 25, 2021 10:18 am, edited 1 time in total.
HPFord
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Re: Feeling "done" with pursuing women.

Post by HPFord »

Irnmyk wrote: Sun May 09, 2021 7:48 am Look, just because you picked up a hot horseshoe and got burnt once doesn't mean that you never again pick up a horseshoe. It means that the next times you do it, you will do it very carefully - making sure it isn't hot.

If this new attraction is what you seem to think that she is, giving her the time and space to work herself out of her previous relationship could be a good thing.

It can give you time to evaluate her and, if she does have any attraction for you, for you to grow on her.

Frankly, I don't see how you stood a high maintenance relationship as you describe for as long as you did. The one takeaway from that that you can glean is that you don't want to do that again, and if this new one turns out to be another of those high maintenance deals, run, run, run.

To me, some of the better marriage relationships that I have seen are those that begin as friendships first. That's not an ironclad rule, but it is a general observation I've made over time.

Give her time, be yourself, and be prepared to accept what she does with that.

And... a strong second to what @David said about the movies. Find yourself a better pattern to observe - married friends, associates, etc.

I, too, went through a lot of fruitless relationships before I found the one that made me go "throttles to the wall" in pursuit of her - one in particular I remember as you described your prior. I did pursue her that way immediately upon meeting her, but fortunately, since we had known each other and worked with each other for some time, once I did (once I got my mind right), she saw my pursuit as the answer to her prayers for a good man in her life - and the rest of the story is approaching half a century.
I don't have any married friends, or really any friends who's counsel I would trust in terms of successful relationships. No one I know is in a relationship, has had a successful marriage, or has the kind of marriage I want for myself.
HPFord
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Re: Feeling "done" with pursuing women.

Post by HPFord »

hastentheday wrote: Sun May 09, 2021 11:22 am I think anyone who has dated awhile will experience the frustrations you have described especially if a bit older. I like all the advice you have been given. However, something that hasn't been mentioned is prayer. I'm assuming here you are a Christ follower. Consider praying for your future spouse right now on a daily basis that God would begin to work in that person's life and that He will lead you to the person that you can serve Him and each other for the rest of your lives. My parents prayed for the person I'm married to all their lives and what a comfort to "know" when that person came into my life. I just knew and my parents were relieved to have their prayers finally answered.
I am a believer, but I... don't know if I believe in prayer any more. Mine haven't been answered with any degree of regularity. I can only think of a handful of times when they have been, which could have been complete happenstance. Not that I deserve to have my prayers answered, I'm hardly the apex of righteousness.
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hastentheday
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Re: Feeling "done" with pursuing women.

Post by hastentheday »

Absolutely no judgement here. I get it, I really do. But, I have seen God work in mysterious and miraculous ways so I have that too. My mother prayed for over 50 years for something that came true this year. Not sure I could do that. Speaking for me, I know as Christians I sometimes think God is not listening to my prayers when He has told me no or shut a door. Maybe that's His answer and His will and I am struggling to accept the answer that is so clear before me.
HPFord wrote: Tue May 25, 2021 9:35 am I am a believer, but I... don't know if I believe in prayer any more. Mine haven't been answered with any degree of regularity. I can only think of a handful of times when they have been, which could have been complete happenstance. Not that I deserve to have my prayers answered, I'm hardly the apex of righteousness.
Can I just add that I'm not the apex of righteousness ? I sincerely believe God does NOT answer prayers based upon the righteousness of His people. If that were the case, I feel as it we're all doomed. Thankfully, I believe this is not His way.
2 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
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